I've been out nearly two years but it's not out of me. I am on school holidays now til February so I thought without work to worry about I can come off my medication. I phased it slowly, starting in early November to avoid the physical side effects of coming down. Of course I experienced some, but they were not debilitating.
What was debilitating was how melted my brain became by degrees, to the point where I was edgy and even the sound of TV next door could make me mad. I couldn't face simple things like hanging out the washing and making a decision to walk this way or that. The all-too familiar feeling of mental pain I used to feel, even on a double does of antidepressants, as a Jay-bot returned when I phased off the meds. You know that feeling when your mind is screaming out in wordless pain and you just want to sleep to attain oblivion?
I so wanted to be free of the meds. I so wanted to give a huge middle finger to the cult and tell them they didn't beat me. But it's all still in my mind. No meds shatters my thoughts and scatters my moods because the cult has sucked the serotonin out of me. When I drive down certain streets I remember how I used to witness in them. My niece asks me how I know all the backstreets so well, and she's too young to understand I was in a cult so I tell her I just used to go there when I was younger. The kingdom songs pop into my head. I feel that schadenfraude JWs feel when someone they don't like 'leaves the truth' like it's some sort of demotion in life, when I think about people I used to know in the JWs and wonder if they're still in. You know, the ones you wanted to get dfd so you wouldn't have to see their bloody mugs at the meeting or pretend you like them.
And just the day before yesterday my old best friend from my cult years contacted me on Facebook. It started off friendly enough but then she went into "Are you coming back to the meetings" and "Check out JW org and JW TV it's great!" and I realised that she's not my friend, she's just doing what she thinks is her duty. It was bad timing because lately I've been thinking about how my trust in people has been completely destroyed. I have TWO friends outside family I can trust. One was my friend all through my JW years although she herself was never one. The other one is a young man I met at work this year who babysat my cat when I was on holidays. I trust him because as a gay man he too has experienced shunning from the Catholic community he grew up in. I have one marginal JW friend to whom I'm very close and I know she's loyal to her friends, most of whom aren't JWs, and she swears and watches magic movies and is pretty normal but there's always that doubt there that one day she'll dump me like all the other JWs have.
Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly and love meeting and chatting with people but I cannot form any more than a superficial bond with new people. Fifteen years of relationships gone within a month has pretty much hardened me to the point where I just have no heart to bond with people, even when they reach out to me. I've become a friendship hook-up: no strings attached friend only. My best friends are my mum, dad, brother and husband. Outside of that I can't commit.
The cult still haunts me, and coming off my meds didn't help. I've gone to the doctor and now I'm back on them and feel myself getting better. Still, I cannot go to the local major shopping centre without wondering if I will see among the thousands there a JW face. I saw the woman who brought me into the cult aka my 'study conductor' at the shops a couple of weeks ago. I pretended I didn't see her and I have no way of knowing whether she didn't see me or just pretended she didn't. She did have that constipated look of pained disapproval on her face though as she stared into the middle distance on her way to the fruit section. I think she saw me.
The other day I was at my JW friend's house. A young man who used to be in a congregation I was in came round to study with her sons. I gave him an enthusiastic greeting and had a warm chat about how he's doing and he was warm back, but my chatter masked my panic at seeing that 22 year old man in a JW- approved haircut that didn't suit him, a mismatched tie and checkered shirt that didn't fit him and the full knowledge he was there to brainwash children. He must know I'm a big apostate. He has to. His congregation is Slander Central; I know, I was in it and copped it even when I was 'in good standing'! How much more now that I've 'left the truth'! I didn't know how he'd act when he found himself face-to-face with me, even though I'm not df or da.
It call comes back. I'm damaged. I'm a survivor. My life hasn't been full of little or medium mistakes, but is overshadowed by one BIG one. I joined a cult. I thought in ways I cannot easily recover from. I'm guilty and ashamed. I left it, but it hasn't left me yet. I'm not sure it will. I'm trying to rebuild a mind shattered by a youth spent under undue influence and it's taking longer than I thought. I'm reminded of it every time I get lonely or hear their diatribe. My eyes scan passersby. I wonder if that man with the dorky haircut is a JW. All the Christmas decorations make me uncomfortable. I find myself under the weight of feelings from many years ago. I can't get the cult out of me.