SHAKING HANDS WITH DEATH – Part 2:
It was at this moment I knew it was over ... When the best people of modern medical science have done their best, and tell you they are sorry, but they did all they could do … there is a certain final feeling, a jarring sense deep within that you have hit an immovable stone wall --- no way around it, no alternatives to contemplate, no side-stepping, no talking my way out, no escape hatch, no ace-in-the-hole, and no ‘markers’ to call in … yet, then …
What about God? – or is there an Atheist in the Foxhole?: One would think at a defining moment like this that God would become the clear and obvious source of strength, comfort, and hopefully a miracle … I always imagined that if I were ever facing death that God would be right there as a loyal friend, doing his God stuff.
Why would not God play in now, in this very real situation? This time there was no speculation about what I might do --- I was now doing it! It was not that I dismissed God, but the pain was so frequent, so intense, increasing, and the morphine was only providing marginal help … that I was not concerned about God. I was ready to give it all up … take whatever comes, just end the pain … at that moment, Dr. Kevorkian standing at my side would have been greeted with welcome arms.
The Cardiologist steps in: “Mr. Whitney, we want to transport you by ‘Life-Flight’ helicopter to our sister hospital 20 miles away … if we can get you there in time, we can perform an angiogram, and then do an angioplasty or open heart surgery. Here is what we need to know …”
My mind was swimming with confusion … the morphine had pretty well put me in la-la land … the leg-breaking pain several times a minute was not getting any better … and I am told that there is nothing more that can be done … and now this guy wants to move me to another hospital, IF he can get me there in time. It is not very comforting – but was a ray of hope. I had nothing to lose …
The Whirly-Bird Flight: Medical people of every type were moving in and around like a beehive. More injections, more tubes, more wires and connections … more people asking questions about insurance, work and next of kin in case I die. Kind, caring, understanding … but still brutally honest and stoically professional.
I am wrapped in a blanket layer, buckled down like a mummy … oxygen cup and portable O2 bottle attached. Then four men who looked like the fire department paramedics that brought me in, took my cart and wheeled me to the door where the helicopter was waiting … the pain was so intense, so riveting, that each moment of transition from one thing to the next almost appeared in slow-motion snap-shot form …
The pilot asks me if I have ever flown before, to which I reply that I have many times, but only in airplanes … so this would be my first copter ride … he started to explain how helicopters fly just like airplanes when I stopped him – and said that I know how helicopters work … let's move on to an advanced level with this … he laughed and then apologized for talking down to a dying man …
They tuck me in, cart and all … buckle and strap the cart to the cabin … place earmuffs on my head and tell me that if I get worse, to show a “Thumbs Up” to get a shot of morphine … as they will not be able to hear me …
The pilot got in his seat, and a paramedic sat next to me and one sat behind me. They all did hand signals to one another, and to people on the ground … then, I looked up front and saw the pilot pull back on the handle … and felt the chopper blades begin to spin and whistle … I looked back and just watched with a dazed feeling as we lifted off …
Would we get there in time? The flight by any standard was a little jaunt … just 10 minutes away … but that is how critical this was … Our altitude was low, and as we passed over residential areas, I could see people diving into their swimming pools, cars moving all over … the Tollway (Freeway to those in the western states) was moderately traveled … but otherwise, a pleasant day – holiday … Memorial day …
Oh God – the tears started to flow: I was not sure why I felt so emotional all of a sudden … I was coping with the pain, though it was crushing me, killing me … I was in the hands of the best trained in medicine … I might die, and shaking hands with death was now a hard reality … yet, it did not hold any emotional weight for me … I just wanted the pain to stop … but, I guess the total collection of events happening so fast, completely out of my control, and so very serious was all somehow too much … and I just cried …
The paramedic sitting next to me saw the tears … yet, he understood that these were not tears of fear – but the kind that even a man cannot hold back … he grabbed by hand in a fingers over thumb clutch – like men do when brothers greet or make a pact … much more symbolic than a mere handshake … this 35 year old man was honoring me … he was not just being a paramedic or a rescue professional … he was being a human being … an equal brother among brothers … and it was this moment that something new was defined for me …
A Defining Moment about the Meaning of Life: No, I did not suddenly feel like I was going to live … and I did not have any long white-tunnel with a kind voice calling me … rather, my near-death experience was the compassion of a living fellow human being who gave a damn … who was giving more than just service, but was giving from the heart … He did not know me. We did not discuss what religious or political views we might share … no, this was something deeper and more profound in our human experience … it is the bond that ties us together, a bond bigger than death … bigger than fear … bigger than pain. What was that? (later) ... in the meantime, ...
The Landing for Life: … While contemplating the moment, wondering if I was going to make it to the other hospital … wondering if some freak accident would knock out the helicopter (for I hate helicopters) … and coping with this endless pain, wondering if it will ever stop … or if only death will end it …
The paramedic’s hand broke loose … hand signals started … and I see the landing pad and hospital approaching … this is it … this is the last effort … even if I make it into the operating room … but they can’t fix this now … it is truly all over …
I looked around a bit, and then the next thing I knew the helicopter was setting down and the blades were winding down … people were running up from the emergency room entrance … reminded me of M.A.S.H. 4077 with Hawkeye and team rushing to triage the war wounded … I looked back and said thanks to the paramedic … he nodded, and held a thumbs up … and gave a big smile …
The emergency room door blasted open, and I was whisked off of the cart and onto an operating table … I heard someone yell that they did not know we were coming … and the emergency cardiac team was delayed 30 minutes … Someone else was angry that they did not get the proper lead time phone call … yet, they rushed around and acted like they were preparing as though everything and everyone else was in place … like a well tuned machine that works anyway … damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead …
”Even in today’s light traffic, it will be too late … he will be dead before they can make here!” These words from some person rushed across the room and tunneled into my ears … Was all this for nothing? Was all the effort and flight and morphine and artery medicine, and people making every possible effort still going to end in death – my death? Was the ray of hope only a brief glimmer on the way to my final resting place? Would the paramedic’s smile be my last contact with the warmth of humanity?
See you tomorrow in Part 3 "While I am inside your heart, I will have some questions for you."
