To stay or leave....

Dawn

It probably sounds crazy to post this on a forum where "alias" individuals will respond - but I really would like to hear from some of you who may have been in this situation before.

I'm at a cross roads in my marriage and need to decide whether to stay or leave.

Long story short:
Hubby is basically a good man - good father, but I am not happy. I have not been for a long time now. I feel like he has all the say on what we do, who we do it with, etc. etc. - he's very self centered.

So I don't feel like there's any part of me that I can really share with him - he doesn't want to hear about the JW thing, isn't interested in my work, etc. etc. etc.

I love him - but I'm not in love with him any longer. Divorce might be a good option for me - but I don't know that it would be a good option for the kids - they have a stable home environment right now.

Anyone else out there go through these doubts? What do you do when your own wants/desires/needs are so far apart from that of your kids?

terafera

Dawn,
I'm sorry to hear your life isnt going where you want it to. I can honestly say the exact things you are saying were in my own head a few years ago. My husband was pretty selfish...not neccesarily a bad person, but didnt think of others. I came to the point where I was going to leave him, or stay. I didnt want my son raised in a broken home, like I was... I sat my husband down and told him my thoughts. I told him that I had been thinking of leaving, and did he want that? He didnt, and we worked on alot of our problems. His main thing was he took us for granted...never showed appreciation or much affection. Alot of that has changed, but its taken work on boh parts, him and myself.

If you talked to your husband, do you think he would listen? I would tell him your doubts, how you are not happy, and though you want to raise your kids with him, you also need to be fulfilled and happy yourself. If he cares, he will do everything in his power to change. If he doesnt care, he will blow it off and let you go.

If you can find an affordable marriage therapist, I would encourage you to see one. We saw a counselor (she wasnt specifically for marriage partners), but taught us how to communicate alot better.

Things wont happen overnight...but with alot of work and love, it can happen!

I wish you all the best! I'm praying for your happiness and peace of mind.

~Tera

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

SixofNine

I feel like he has all the say on what we do, who we do it with, etc. etc. - he's very self centered.

Question: if you told him the above, and perhaps thru counseling, or just introspection, he fixed that problem, the relationship became truly equal, do you think you could have the kind of love for him that makes a marriage worthy of lasting?

LB

I don't know that it would be a good option for the kids - they have a stable home environment right now.

You sure? Kids know when a marriage isn't right. I would never encourage staying together for the kids.

As six suggested counseling might be a help. But few guys that are type A's respond to counseling. Never hurts to try.

Never Squat With Yer Spurs On

Soledad

I agree with the above posters, about communicating and trying a marriage counselor. Im in the same situation, no kids though. I sat down with my husband and told him what I thought about our current situation, and how I wouldn't want to have children if our marriage is not strong and healthy. It's always best to talk. We are doing much better now, but there is still some progress to be made.

Feel free to email me, my name is Miriam

Marilyn

Dawn, It sounds like some of your husbands faults are down to you. You have allowed him to be this way - probably since the beginning. I'm constantly surprised by women who acquiesce to their men, because they lack confidence and courage to demand more from them. Did or do you suffer from low self esteem per chance?

I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself why this "good man" doesn't show enough interest in you or the things that interest you? Why is he so self centered and selfish? Basically because you've let him be this way from the outset. Ever heard of 'start as you mean to go on'?

It's time you started making your presence felt. It's time you turned HIS life upside down. Don't just walk out without giving your husband an opportunity to shape up. You soooooooooooo need to make a stand - not a half assed one either. You work out what it is you want from this guy and you demand it.

If it doesn't work out then leave. I can see why you would want to leave, but I wouldn't be so fast to give up on your husband. I'd be letting him know, in very clear terms, just how fed up and desperate you are and that if he doesn't lift his game you are gone. But make sure you know what it is you want from him.

all the best
Marilyn

Francois

I thought as you do when I decided to divorce my wife. We had been fighting for several years, and I can't tolerate that. To say that I loved my daughter with a whole soul is a vast understatement. And my son too. But I left anyway even in the face of their tears.

Now my daughter and son are grown. And I would give my life's blood to be able to take my six year-old daughter in my lap just once again and soothe her emotions and dry her tears and find a way to live with her mother at least long enough for her to be more mature and able to accept what was going on.

This is a regret I will take to my grave. The scar on my heart for what I did to my little girl who loved me so will not be erased in this lifetime.

Getting a divorce is much like getting married: both events must be contemplated against the backdrop of the truth that you are just not in charge of your discriminating facilities at the time. You are expected to make one of life's great decisions when you are manifestly most unprepared emotionally, intellectually, and psychologically to do so.

You are expected to be able to have the perspective of fifteen or so years in the future when you contemplate divorce. And you can't have that perspective until you've arrived at fifteen more years of living.

Tread carefully. No sudden moves. Talk to anyone you trust who will listen. Carefully prepare your children, not only for their sakes, but for your own as well.

My two cents.

Francois

Beans

Man I am going through the same thing right now! It`s not fun thats for sure, but I agreed to go see a counselor as the last option. Your issues are a duplicate of mine, freaky!

Beans

Adonai438

Hi Dawn
My husband and I are happy but I think everyone has problems and needs to work things out. You are by no means out of the ordinary in your situation and it doesn't neccessarily mean divorce.
I don't really know you or your husband or the situation so it's reall hard to offer specific advice although counseling of some sort would be good no matter what the situation is. It always helps to have someone to talk to
If I am recalling correctly you mentioned that you were a christian now? (Am I right in that?) If so or even not, I can suggest a book I have read recently on marraige that seems to speak to what you are feeling and going through. Not pushing literature here lol!
It is written By a legitimate credentialed marraige counselor that is also a christian.
It's called : Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Willard F. Harley
and the website that you can check out on his stuff is
http://www.marraigebuilders.com

Either way, if you want to talk more just let me know
God bless, <>< Angie

LyinEyes

I just have to reply to Francois, hope I spelled that right. What a
wonderful and moving expression about your daughter when she was young. You should tell her that. Word for word. Maybe you already have. Every little girl (boy too) needs to know that even if the marriage didnt work , they are so loved. I mean , kids are smart they know when things are not right. But it would mean the world to me if my Dad would say that to me right now. I am 35 yrs old and my parents split when i was 17. Very painful. The past is the past. But
it helps to know if you could do things differently you would.
Again wonderful expression of a father's love , brought tears to my eyes.

To stay or leave....

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