Cads!!

by expatbrit 16 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  expatbrit

  It would appear that certain dastardly husbands have been making witticisms at the expense of their dear wives.

  Don't look innocent, we all know who you are......

  Expatbrit.

  Husband Quotes:

  I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

  Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
  suffering.

  The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
  said, "Dust!"

  In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
  And rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
  rested.

  Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

  Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
  doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
  Dad: That happens in every country, son.

  A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he
  received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
  mine."

  The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
  once.

  First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
  mine's still alive."

  How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for
  free.

  Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking
  they had no faults at all.

  If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word
  you say, talk in your sleep.

  Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
  Until I got married; and then it was too late."

  A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
  married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"
• 

  Simon

  he he he...brilliant!
  Thanks expatbrit516 - I can relate to some of those
  Oh no, she's coming...gotta go !
• 

  neyank

  Hi expat,
  Thanks for the laugh.
  I saw this one and thought it was good.

  One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the

  tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the

  local church. When the services started, the towns

  people were sitting in their pews and talking about

  their lives, their families,etc. Suddenly, Satan

  appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started

  screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling

  each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil

  incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the

  Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly

  in his pew, not moving. . . seemingly oblivious to the

  fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

  Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the

  man and said,

  "Don't you know who I am?"

  The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

  Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

  "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

  Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,

  "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

  The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister

  for over 48 years".

  neyank
• 

  thinkers wife

  You Boy's oughta' be ashamed of yourself. Although I have to admit, it was pretty funny!
  TW
• 

  zev

  Nice!

  __

  zev
• 

  waiting

  For the Great Cads:

  A man finds it awfully hard to lie to the woman he loves - the first time.

  If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself.

  When my jokes are explained to her and she has the leisure to reflect on them, she laughs very heartily.

  A man should marry only a very pretty woman in case he ever wants some other man to take her off his hands.

  It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
• 

  waiting

  oops.

  Edited by - waiting on 3 March 2001 9:3:42
• 

  somebody

  I gotta add something. :-)

  A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

  A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

  One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie poped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"
• 

  unanswered

  the first few jokes were very funny, but somebody, your's were way out of line. :)
• 

  unanswered

  the first few jokes were very funny, but somebody, your's were way out of line. :)