having a dark night of the soul

Miss Behaving

Hi again,

I'm writing this here because I need someone to talk to, and you're the only folks I know who will understand. Most of the time I think I'm a pretty happy and together person, but lately, I'll see something that reminds me of my family and I'll spontaneously start crying. I miss them so much and my heart keeps breaking, and even though I have kind people I work and volunteer with, I feel so incredibly lonely sometimes.

The last few days, I've felt a strong desire to go back. Except that deep down, I know I can't. I can't un-know what I know, I can't lie to myself or to them. But sometimes it's so tempting to. I long to call them just to hear their voices again, even if it's them being angry or guilt-inducing with me.

My days have been merging together into long stretches of work and sleep. Sometimes I wonder what the point of fighting so hard is, what the point to existence is. Last month, I injured myself and at the hospital, there was no one close enough to me to be concerned. It sort of drove the point home for me that my existence has so little impact that if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would miss me. No one would be sad.

I'm sorry to be so depressing,I know everyone on here has their own sorrows.

I guess I'm hoping you'll share with me what meaning and joy you've found in your lives since you've left. I could use some hope.

with love, Miss B

berrygerry

You feel so much like my child (and myself).

DubLand destroys who we are as humans.

No one here, or anywhere, has THE ANSWER.

Do you have any family, even aunts, uncles, etc., or friends, whether exDubs or other, with whom you can have a conversation?

LisaRose

((Hugs)) Miss B., so sorry you are down right now. I have had problems with the black dog (depression) myself. I hope it hasn't been going on too long, if so you need to get help. It's understandable that you would feel down, it's rough losing family, but there are ways to deal with these things and move on with your life. Time is a great healer, so keep that in mind.

What helps me is being creative, exercise, volunteering, journaling and meditation.

I have a small business fixing up old furniture and selling antiques. I don't make a lot of money, but if I don't have a creative outlet I don't feel right. Do you have a hobby or interest you would like to explore? Have you thought about volunteering? Helping others is a great way to feel better, plus you meet nice people.

I highly recommend meditation. It's good for anxiety and depression, plus a lot of other things. I went from blood pressure of 140 (high normal) to 115, it also helps with my ADHD. Here's a website that has a quick how to:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/stress-management/how-to-get-started-with-meditation1.htm

Journaling also helps with depression. You just sit down and write what ever is in your head, a few pages every day. I don't know how it works, but it does.

I hope that helps a little. PM me if you want, and please let us know how you are doing. We care.

Wasanelder Once

I hear you. Its not easy to accept that what we feel now about not having anyone is really the same as our reality before. We "had" someone because we were acceptable to them in their world view. Now we have a new world view, pardon the pun, and we must take comfort in building new relationships. Its not easy when you're older because we have few common associations built up yet. Take heart, you will meet good people that care in time. For now, know you are not alone, we hear you. Of course we are not there physically but you will have someone in the near future who will be able to be there for you in person. Do what you have to, just know you are not the first to experience this and that some of us still have our moments. I'm pulling for you.

Xanthippe

Miss Behaving I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Don't get freaked out by your feelings I feel like that sometimes, very lonely and wonder what's it all about. Many of us do I'm sure. What gives meaning and joy to my life? I love travelling, gardening and I'm trying to learn to paint. There are so many places I haven't seen yet and I want to grow more roses and try growing some different vegetables. Creativity is hard work when you feel down but sometimes I try doing little watercolour sketches in my garden. Not huge ones, just a few minutes for fun. Sorry I must go to work now but think of all the people who care about you, at your job and your volunteering, they would miss you if you weren't there. Take care🌷🌼🌹🌻🌼🌷🌻🌹

cofty

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time.

The emotional blackmail is very powerful. Isolating somebody the way the cult do in order to get compliance is abusive. It's understandable that you feel like you want to go back sometimes but that is a decision you should make when you are feeling strong.

Try to find more ways to connect with others through hobbies, sport, work and recreation. It will get better.

Wishing you all the best.

HeyThere

Miss Behaving, sending you hugs and love. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. I too struggle with finding myself in a dark place from depression. The way my own husband has been treating me devastating. I also recently lost a very dear dear friend to cancer and that is constantly on my mind.

When I feel myself going there, I try really hard to find positive thoughts. Living life can be soooooo hard at times. I can't get into much detail but this past year has been horrendous.

But I love living life...my kids, siblings, pondering existence, being around my non jw family and all the nieces and nephews and such. Beautiful places to visit, wonderful books, etc. There are so many lovely things to enjoy in this life.

Know that your struggle, no matter how dark you are feeling it now, is temporary. you will get through this. I have found that the jw relationships are so conditional. They can disappear so quickly. They are trained to shun, my own husband has been playing that game with me. That is not the way true friends treat their friends.

But I have so many wonderful friends that are not Jehovahs. And family not in.

Have you tried reaching out to your family?

whathehadas

I can't un-know what I know, I can't lie to myself or to them. But sometimes it's so tempting to. I long to call them just to hear their voices again, even if it's them being angry or guilt-inducing with me.

I can relate and so can others on here. Just try to stay positive and work on building a future and new life for yourself. You're FREE now to make new friends that don't have to agree with certain beliefs or lifestyles

Doug Mason

You are going through the very personal experience of a death. It might relate to the loss of a loved one (as in my experience), the breakdown of a relationship, or something as minor as losing a $10 bill.

It is something personal that cannot be understood by another. Professional grief counselling is available.

Doug

The Searcher

Your sadness is normal - as many here will testify. Your "dead" loved ones are still alive.

However, keep them really alive by believing that there's every chance something is going to happen to waken them up.

You are on the right side of the fence looking over at the bad side - not the other way around!

having a dark night of the soul

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