If You See Me Cry (page 2)

Frenchy

Thank you for sharing that, waiting. Although I have never done this, I can certainly relate to it. As a matter of fact, as I think about it I do have a tendency to TRY to do that with my dreams at times. I don't ever get back into them but I relive that dream a thousand times during the day, twisting it and making it come out right in my mind. I don't know why I'm doing this because I obviously can't change the dream, it's already happened! Still with a lot of my dreams I simply cannot accept the ending. I die. So I fight it in the conscious world until it finally loses its intensity and then I can put it out of my mind.
I've talked to other people (though not many) about this business of knowing that I'm dreaming while it's happening and I've never run across anyone who's had this experience yet. It is an unusual feeling not at all unlike writing a story or poem where you create a world and mold it into what you want, or try to, at least.
I'm going to try just going back into time and explore those corridors you talked about. Thanks.

RedhorseWoman

Frenchy and waiting....

This type of "lucid dreaming" is very possible. I used to do it all the time, especially if there was a dream that was rather interesting.

You can do it just as you are waking, or you can lay out the plot as you are falling asleep. I could continue a dream story for days by doing this....rather like creating a sleep-time novel.

waiting

Dear Red Horse,

I believe what you are saying about "laying out the plot" and my "requesting of the subconsious" is the same thing.

We are asking, or directing, our subconscious to reconsider a matter or thought - whether in dream or whatever. I believe Carmel had a post on that matter - except he had used it to say that sometimes people ask themselves, instead of God, in prayer, and their own minds answer the problem.

That has worked for me somewhat, but it feels really spooky talking to your "inner you or mind" and then praying to Jehovah - the requests for insight or answers sound the same - so does the wording. I felt weird doing it, but I limited success. Doesn't say much for me, huh?

Going back into memory is different - but quite like the computer games, only in your mind. If you feel you have forgotten a perspective on a memory, not necessarily from childhood, try it. Mentally picture the setting, place, of the memory. Then quietly walk through the setting, just looking. Like going to visit your old house and actually seeing all the all momentos. However, in walking in memories, whatever presents itself usually stays the focus - doesn't switch subjects. If I felt too threatened, however, I could barely control myself to remain calm and free and to stay in the memory. Sometimes it would take a half dozen tries before I could do it.

It does take practice and an effort. I didn't know what to call what I do until I told my therepistand she asked me to explain the process. I told her I had to be in a locked room by myself (security), very quiet (cutting external senses), and very still and then used relaxing techniques.

Then I would usually enter my childhood world through a safe place (a field across the street), then to my house and my father. And then the games would begin.

Any noise would stop the process. And my therepist then told me that I was self-hynotising myself and asked me who had taught me. I said no one, just knew I could do it and started doing it. I think it all stems from my highly peculiar childhood and that Jehovah made our minds able to bend. Just some more than others, like those contortionists. Some can contort more than others.

One dear old brother said it was a blessing not to have my memories - I was so angry at him because I felt they were mine. But I do believe he was on the right track - he also said that my mental bending (multiple personalities and self-hypnosis) were a blessing. Then I was really angry. But, 20/20 hindsight 10 years later, he was right about the mind - Jehovah did make it marvelous and we have no idea what the potential.

Now I sound like a mad scientist, huh?

Thanks for the conversations - the only other person I've ever talked to about this was my therepist and one person who had the same childhood I had. She acted out physically (prostitute, etc.), I acted within. She is a rape counselor now - and says people (and they are rare} with our kind of terroristic background don't survive, mentally or physically. Sobering thought because we were just kids born to the wrong people.

As in any disorder of the mind or body, there are various degrees to which it affects your life.
I have tried to log on to the NY Mental Health sites, they have several for DID, or MPD, but, no offense meant, those poor people are nuts...... I'm just slightly whacked.

Edited by - waiting on 12 June 2000 20:31:15

Frenchy

waiting, I applaud your courage and your tenacity. I will not, cannot, say that I know how you feel because I did not experience what you did. All I can do is imagine it from a safe distance. I don't have to live with the memories that you do. No human was ever meant to experience what you did and so it is no wonder that your mind has no 'natural' defense or healing process for what was never supposed to happen. YET, YET you have stayed in the game with the deck stacked against you and with the players cheating and you have persevered. You have placed your wagers and watched things belonging to you unlawfully and wrongfully taken from you and yet you have not left your chair. You are still placing your bets. And every now and then, even though statistically it can't happen, you pull in a pot and you smile to yourself and although no one else knows what it cost you for that small victory, no one can imagine just how much of yourself you risked for so small a gain, you know that you are not and never will be defeated.
It's not how far in life you get that matters, it's how hard you had to fight for every inch that you gained. I've had my own particular battle as I'm sure the rest of our friends here have had theirs. I applaud all of you for staying in the game. Win or lose, we're not losers!
I don't pretend to know what the grand scheme of things is. But if there is a God and this is a test then I want to go on record and say that some of us have had one hell of an examination!

waiting

Dear Frenchy,

Words, for the first time, escape me. Thank you for letting me talk. It's lonesome in my mind.

RedhorseWoman

There are times that I wonder why certain things have occurred in my life. There have been times when I have prayed for insanity so that I would no longer have to deal with things.

However, as time goes on, I can see that in many cases my experiences can be used to help someone else who is living through something similar, and that gives me a sense of peace.

There are many people here who have suffered intensely. I applaud you all for your bravery, and I know that God will help you make it through.

Frenchy

We came here, whether we knew it or not, to lean on someone else. We came to a virtual world to say what we could not in a literal one. We came to reach out and to see if someone would meet us somewhere out there and touch us back.
I feel that this has happened.

waiting

Hey, Guys,

I think I come here, sometimes, to see in words, what I am thinking or the thoughts swirling in my mind.

When a person is forgetful - one of the best tricks I've read about is: (leaving coffee pot on) 1. Look at coffee pot 2. Say outloud, I am turning the coffee pot off. 3. Watch and listen carefully as you click it off.

That way, after 5 min. leaving house, and you say to yourself, "Did I turn the coffee pot off?" You have 3 senses involved in memory. Sight, Sound, Speech.

Much like here, we see what we are saying. We also have the ability to remain secret persons if we wish, and reveal only parts. And the most important part, we can walk away unknown if we want and no one will condemn us - even if they do, we won't know it - because we don't have to look if we don't want to.

What freedom. We have a choice to be known and friends.

Frenchy

I think I come here, sometimes, to see in words, what I am thinking or the thoughts swirling in my mind.

I think most if not all of us do this. And you are also right about revealing only parts of ourselves. Sometimes we do this deliberately sometimes subconsciously. I wish that I could 'edit' my life. There are many things I would like to remove and a few things I would like to add. Perhaps what you said here is a way of doing this.
In many ways life is like the hard drive on our machines, only we can never re-format it. All we can do is keep writing to it.

If You See Me Cry

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