Due to some recent developments I find myself in a new place, and at this point I've lost all of my family and fri....oh that's right, I never really had any friends in the organization anyway. Just people that wanted something from me and a few people that I would invite to do things that occasionally said yes. The recent rejections of me got me thinking, so let's take a rejection inventory.
I had to reject all of the holidays when my parents started studying.
I had to reject any worldly friends that I already had.
Even family became rejected, and the new religion had some place in that.
I was rejected in school and bullied all of the time, not just because we were poor and I made good grades, but for JW reasons too. It was just piling on at that point.
I rejected having time after my school day to do anything, as my parents had to fill many evenings with service to get their time in.
I rejected the thoughts of having fun on weekends because we had service and meetings and whenever I wanted to do something suddenly my dad wanted to have a family study.
I rejected lots of fun activities because I was a young ministerial servant that was "used" (to burnout) in the congregation. I also had to auxiliary pioneer every summer because that's what you did to be a good person, and I wanted to be one. I also had parts on district conventions and meetings and circuit assemblies, oh my. Lots of rejecting to make room for trying hard to please everyone around, including Jehovah.
My family was emotionally abusive (apart from the religion), so I rejected my feelings and tried to bury them because I had nowhere to turn. It's okay though, my dad was an elder, and he would never be rejected for such abuses. Well, actually my mom and I threw enough of a fit that they deleted him eventually, but he was right back as an elder in no time without any change.
I rejected all of the college offers that I had, and an opportunity to start a business with a guy that saw me as his protege because I had to pioneer, of course.
I rejected things like porn, masturbation (okay, let's face it, nobody can hold off on that one forever), sex before marriage, any experiences with the opposite sex to be honest because our congregation was scared that any dealings with the opposite sex would lead to fornicating right there on the spot, sports (because I was good and another brother tried to hurt me while we played several times so the elders told ME to stop playing), and I'm sure I could go on and on.
I rejected opportunities to earn more money that I needed once we got married because I had to play the role of spiritual family head.
I was rejected constantly by our loving brotherhood. I have invited people to my home and been told yes, only to sit with a bunch of pizzas and nobody to eat them but me. I've sat at meetings for field service and watched everyone else be put in groups but my wife and I. I've raised my hand when they were ready to go to be told that we could just go alone.
The few friends I had growing up all rejected the religion, and I rejected them like any good brother should.
My brother was rejected by the organization and disfellowshipped, and I rejected him too like I was supposed to for many years.
I rejected my own self. My authenticity was hidden behind a veil of organizational expectations. I always had questions about things that never made sense to me, and ruffled plenty of feathers because I wasn't one to stay quiet. Still, I rejected most of my concerns under a pile of rationalization and reasoning that I was instilled with through meetings and association.
A couple of years ago though, I started to reject some of the things that I was taught that didn't hold up factually.
I started rejecting the cold narcissistic world that I was raised in and that was all I had ever known, including the religion. I rejected the negative attitude toward self-help books and for the first time I found hope and emotions and love and something that made me feel good. The next thing to go was my disdain for other human beings. I rejected looking down on worldly people. I saw that many had great lives, moral lives, and happy lives, the opposite of the dismal picture painted by the organization. I rejected the notion that happiness could only be found in a place that I found so utterly depressing and devoid of love.
Then came the BIG one. I rejected the rejection of my brother. We grew up in a volatile home and he was rejected (disfellowshipped) young from the organization. I reached out to make things right, to open up about our childhood emotional damage and to try and do some healing for both of us. I rejected the notion that once shunned, always shunned, made sense. He was married now and lived a good life. So I went to see him and spent time with him and his wife.
Now both my family and my wife's family reject us both. Word spread and my wife was rejected by even more people. If I had any friends in this organization they would have rejected me too. A whole life full of rejecting things to conform to something so that when I make ONE decision that goes against the grain I can be rejected too. And sure, if someone that knew me read this I might be rejected by the organization itself. I've said things on here that I know would make that come true. Honestly, I just don't care anymore. They took and took and took from me and gave me very little. If I'm just an object to be discarded then go ahead and get it over with. I've been rejected by everyone in my life to date, and the only people that have EVER reached out to me are those evil worldly people. I've literally missed meetings for 17 months at one point before anyone reached out, and that was just a note on our door.
So if they decide to throw me on the reject pile with so many others, like discarding an object and not a person, then let it be. It has been a lot of misery and I want so badly to leave it all behind and move on toward happier things. In fact, I've been doing that for some time now. But damn if the past doesn't seem to have been so strongly programmed into me that I have a hard time shaking it. Every seemingly healthy thought is contrasted by some fearmongering scripture or saying that someone fed me. I'm struggling with the hole left by knowing that the only people I really had left rejected me too, my family. I'm left trying to build everything from scratch, and it sucks. I have plenty of good things in my life, but two biggies (religion and family) just folded, and it hurts to have rejection enter my life once again.