I COULDN'T DO IT!!!!

by Perfection Seeker 32 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  JT

  All the posters are on the money in terms of not trying to force the truth on your mom- many of us personally no it will not work in most cases--

  Based on the fact that you have mentioned that you have asked your mom over and over to back off and she has refused means that you are left with some choices that only you can make--

  On of the most important things that you gain by getting out of wt is the fact that you EMPOWER YOURSELF

  well it maybe that now has come the time for you to use that empowerment-

  you see if you continue on the path that you currently are on-- your mom will continue to Emotionally ( excuse my French) beat your A$$-

  so you are now reaching the stage that many of us have reached and you must make a decision because your emotional health is clearly on THE LINE NOW.

  You may have to consider cutting her off or shutting her down- and the very best way to do this is in a Calm and Clear MANNER

  no need to raise your voice or cuss her out- for to do so would only confirm what she has been indoctrinated with for years

  instead as many here on this site have done - such as when on the phone they ask thier parents not to discuss the issue of religion about the organization and if they continue many have simply said mom i have to go now and i'm hanging up the phone and will talk to you later-

  of course this come as a COMPLETE SHOCK TO THE PARENTS I'm sure they must be saying on the other end ( That Little Hoochie How dare she hang the phone up on me!) smile

  but what you have just done is TAKEN CONTROL AND USED YOUR NEW FOUND EMPOWERMENT you have taken control of the issue- since you already know that she is Brainwashed and under the control of wt dogmas- you really have no choice but to take control- you can't let the Immates run the Asslum- smile

  i wil say this to you though you have come to the right place for info and suggestions on what works and what doesn't when it comes to dealing with family still in wt

  i suggest that you go to randy watters site and read the account of the bro called AMAZING on how he got his family out

  THE DIRECT APPROACH HAS BEEN SHOWN TO RARELY WORK

  if anything it will set you back years in terms of relationships with family still in

  you must be smarter- i will touchbase with you offline

  James
• 

  Perfection Seeker

  HI! Thanks, yet one more time, for the excellent advice! I can't locate the Randy Watters page, but from what you say- its something I'd really like to read! I guess to me, instead of getting my family out- I just want to be out & not hassled. Thanks! :-)
• 

  ItsJustlittleoldme

  Randy's page is

  http://www.freeminds.org

  Edited by - itsjustlittleoldme on 6 July 2002 22:23:43
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  Perfection Seeker

  THANKS! Heading to that website now! :-)
• 

  Carly887

  I don't know how long it has been since you left but i can give you some advice. I am the only non believer in my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). I left 3 years ago. My mother still tries to get me to go to meetings. What I have done is told her I am not going. I do not want to be a witness right now in my life. I told her that I think the witnesses are great for her if she feels she needs that in her life. I told her I am not trying to change the way you beileve but please to infringe your beliefs on to me. I don't believe God is going to kill everyone. This was the first year she didn't harass me to go to make a apperance at the district convention or curcuit assembly. My mother still calls me on a daily basis and always brings up the witnesses and what she did at a meeting and how her talk went. I am very accepting of that and tell her that i find that to be wonderful for her. Your mom will always be your mom and you have to accept that. I realize I could never tell my mom if I started going to a different church. I can't tell her about the Valentines gift or Birthday gift my husband bought me. But that part of my life . o be honest with you my mother doesn't need to know those things. I know she was hurt when I left as was my whole family. But I think they see I accept them for who they are and don't try to change them or get down on their religion to them and they have stopped harassing me for the most part.

  Edited by - Carly887 on 7 July 2002 1:20:15
• 

  CC Ryder

  Seeker...I had the same guilt laid on me....and the "you should know better" speech...but remember it is a cult and the damages a cult does to peoples minds....your mother is just doing what she knows to do....everyone is right...you never know what she may do ....I recently talked to an old friend from way back in the early 70's...He was an elder and I never would have imagined him leaving...yet he's out and he's activley trying to help people see the wrong in what they are being taught...I use patience with my Dad..when I first left he used to subscribe the Mag's for me without me asking him to...one day he asked me if I enjoyed them...I politely took the opportunity to tell him I really do not have the time to read them...maybe it would be better to not waste them on me since I am so busy...and I would use other simple and tactful rebuttles as that...Stay calm and try not to get in a angered discussion...if you use your own inner feelings as your guide you might serve as an example to your Mom and she may have cause to think about things some day...Hang in their Girl...we enjoy your company here and enjoy your postings...CC

  PS: Tink and I were in it together because we left at the same time...I had a hard time at first staying calm but I observed how she handled her Mom...and learned the benifits in not being confrontational.
• 

  jesussaves

  Dang, Perfection Seeker! Are we related???? My grandmother used that 'my brain needed a good washing' line! I almost puked! I just want to reiterate everything that everyone else is saying. REFUSE to discuss religion with them. At least for now. Their guilt is still too fresh in your mind. I've been out for 5 years and only eight months ago I finally told them that I attend church services. My grandmother called me a devil worshipper. Five years ago, I would have cried for days if she said that. I laughed at her. My sister visited my house from out of town, and ran back out the door in under ten minutes when my children started singing Christmas carols. It was funny as heck, although my kids (three and four) didn't understand why auntie didn't stay very long, and why she didn't like their singing. Hang in there....and get some counseling. Most of us need it when we leave!

  Edited by - jesussaves on 11 July 2002 3:33:12
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  LoneWolf

  Hi, Perfection Seeker,

  Yes, there's an awful lot of good advice that's been given here. I'd like to add a little that may make the job easier. I've been DFed for about 15 years now, and as I'm a fourth generation JW and am in my 60's, you can get a good idea of how deeply my family is into it.

  What I have done is to give an extremely short answer to them when they come on to me about coming back into the Organization. It's kind of a one-size-fits-all solution that puts them on the spot. It goes like this:

  Them: "Why don't you (get reinstated, attend meetings regularly, go to the assembly, go to the elders for help, etc, etc.)?"

  Me: "I can't."

  Them: "Why not?"

  Me: "Because it would violate my conscience, and I want to keep it clean before Jehovah."

  Now, there are two main eventualities. If they ignore your words and continually hound you anyway, put them on the defensive. Use something like this, in whole or part:

  "Why are you trying to force me to violate my conscience? Anyone who would do such a thing certainly has no love for either me or Bible teaching." Have a couple of scriptures prepared to prove the value of a clear conscience.

  Of course, they'll come back, "Well, you're conscience is not trained correctly."

  Your answer: "That's your opinion. It's not mine. And in any event, it's immaterial. The Bible clearly points out that it is a sin to violate one's conscience, whether it's weak or not."

  There will be those who will ridicule the very suggestion that you have a conscience. Be indignant. You have a right to be. "Well, if that is what you think of me, why are you here?"

  Every time they try to get around that, take them right back to the beginning: "Why are you trying to force me to violate my conscience?" If it takes a hundred times, so what? Remember the word "inculcate"?

  The other eventuality is interesting. Some of them will ask "How could it possibly violate your conscience?" Now is the time to tell them of some of the things you've heard. They have opened the door. Don't swamp them in one sitting, though.

  When they come back with the claim that those things are apostate lies, answer forthrightly. "No, they aren't. Whoever told you that is the liar, and I can prove it." Be ready to.

  There is are some wonderful advantages to handling things this way.

  1. The guilt trip is minimized or eliminated altogether.

  2. You have claimed the moral highground.

  3. To do this properly, you will need to prepare thoroughly in order to be able to adequately express the things that you see wrong, and why it bothers your conscience. This in itself, whether you ever use it or not, will go far toward eliminating any guilt trips you may be experiencing.

  Hope this helps.

  LoneWolf
• 

  Golden Girl

  I have a similar situation as Jewel. My Mother in law is a devoted JW. Has been for over 50 years.Talking to her is hopeless! It is "In her blood".This is the only way she will ever see her deceased husband again also. She definately needs that religion.It is all she knows now. All the friends she has are JW's.

  We go to her farm and help her once a week.(She is 80 and lives alone) It is a 2 hr drive so I usually fall asleep in the back of the van on the way home(I'm pooped!).

  Well hubby always calls her to let her know we got home. He told her I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow! ( I was sick and running a fever but went anyway).Next thing I knew...we were home. Her comment to this was typical..."That's just what it is going to be like for your father (Hubby's ) when he is resurrected."

  He was a JW and died about 4 years ago. And she still carries his ashes in a cardboard box in the back of her car!

  Then she ties to make him feel gulty about her feeling guilty because we have to go there and help her every week! Boy.....JW's are good at guilt trips aren't they? I think they have to pass that course before they can get baptised!!

  CREEPY!.....

  Golden Girl

  Edited by - Golden Girl on 14 July 2002 0:36:12
• 

  Farkel

  Perfection Seeker,

  If your mother is the way you say she is, then the next time she starts one of her tirades in your house tell her to fuck off and get out and not ever come back until she starts treating you with some dignity. Dubs are great for heaping their abusive crap on others, but become big whiny wimps when someone plays their own game on them.

  No adult has any right to treat another adult like the way she's treating you. I have the most abusive JW mother-from-hell in the world and after 50+ years of her abuse, I disfellowshipped HER.

  If you can't stomach doing what I just suggested, then you'll just have to live with her abuse. If that is the case, you cannot complain about it, because it is your choice to let it keep coming at you.

  Farkel