Conditions for my return:1) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy replaces The Holy Scriptures as the religion's main text. The Bible may still be used, but only insofar as it supports Douglas Adams.
2) All meetings are, of course, declared optional, although contributions are used to purchase quality imported beer for those who do decide to attend. A special play area is designated for children, who use the Society's old publications for paper mache and other art projects.
3) Door-to-door is replaced with free time to do with as you wish.
4) Conventions are held once every 2 and 1/2 years, so the novelty doesn't wear out so quickly. They are held in fine hotels, seminar-style, so attendees can choose which (if any) sessions to attend. Anyone caught wearing an attendant's badge will be stripped, smeared head-to-toe with honey, and thrown into a vat of angry red ants.
5) Formerly disfellowshipped, disassociated, and inactive Witnesses are restored to "good standing" and then promoted to "Grand Pumba Witnesses" for a term equaling the duration of their exile from the Organization. During this time, they are waited on and pampered by their former congregations' bodies of elders, particularly those who served on any judicial committees related to their departure.
6) The Organization reimburses all Witnesses for expenses incurred while distributing literature, funds the education of the children of those who didn't go to college because it was forbidden at the time, and cancels all loans owed them by local congregations.
7) The sign atop Bethel headquarters is changed from "Read God's Word the Bible Daily" to either "Don't Panic" or "The Meaning of Life is 42".
Dedalus
I never thought I would return, but when you put it that way. . . Throw in $10 for every day of the past 28 years of my life that I've wasted (that comes out to a mere $102,200) and I'm sold!
Begin training women to be elders; it will take a while, as right now they have had so little asked of them and they have more to offer than men- pistoff
I like the women as elders idea. But may I suggest that only attractive women be allowed at first. Talk about "speeding it up in it own time." Judicial committees with 3 hot elderettes!!!!! Where do I sign up!