To JC, My Sweet Lord: listen up

wasasister

Dear JC:

I was happy to note in another thread that you are still with us and observing your humble servants. It's been very difficult with you and the Big Guy away on vacation, what with all my supplications going unanswered. Your service leaves a lot to be desired, I must say. They kept responding with the message "No RSVP is necessary" whenever I said, "Oh, God! I'm coming!"

And you must expect us to be just a wee bit pissed at this silly remodel announcement you've just made. Many of the Faithful were expecting a round of good old fashioned smiting to commence shortly. Nobody smites like you and the Big Guy, and frankly we could use some of it. Tell me, My Lord; is "remodel" just the PC term for "smiting"? Sure, nowadays people throw rocks, shoot rubber bullets, fly airplanes into buildings, and occasionally take a stab at some lame-ass pestilence (like we'd care about postal workers, anyway!), but you two are a tough act to follow.

I gotta say, I miss looking forward to the smiting. (I thought I was smitten once, but I got over it.) Thine enemies are mine enemies, as we used to say in the good old days, and they're still breathing my air!

Anyway, since you're hanging out with us Apostates for the time being, and since above-mentioned answering service is still on the fritz, could you deliver a few questions to Pops? Thanks!

What's it like working with Kevin Smith as a director, and will You ever do a CD as good as Bitter Little Pill?
Is the meaning of life really 42, or is it 43 as I have long suspected?
Were you guys laughing Your (spirit) asses off when You created the geoduck and proceeded to burry this perfect representation of a large, flaccid, male organ in the sand?
Is there a way to propagate the species which does not involve grunting, face making, game-playing, and property division?
Are white rap musicians really Satan's best work?
Jimmy Swaggart, Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell.why, Oh Lord?
The fat in the back that hangs over women's bras no matter how thin we get- what were You thinking? Like PMS wasn't enough punishment?

Well, that's enough for now, but if I think of more stuff later (or maybe my friends will), may we count on you to do the mediator thing (or are you exclusively the mediator only for Jedi and above)? Thanks loads!

In Your Name,

Amen

Edited by - wasasister on 17 July 2002 21:29:44

Edited by - wasasister on 17 July 2002 21:49:57

Edited by - wasasister on 17 July 2002 22:29:4

Jesus Christ

1. If it gives you any idea, dad may be taking an extended vacation in about 40 human years. Why 40 years? That's when the only suitable substitue, Kevin Smith, will be dead and on his way to heaven. The man is pure genious and I've been a fan since Clerks. In fact, I'm wearing a reproduction of the shirt Brodie wore in Mallrats as I type.
Note, anyone who can get Kevin Smith to email me (and this is the only way to get my email) gets an automatic trip to the best possible after life possible.

2. 42. Doug and I hang out from time to time and his is quite wise.

3. We weren't laughing nearly as much as we do when we're watching the Mormons. Those people are nuts.

4. Yes but why bother? To see the only thing funnier than those faces read answer #3.

5. Nah, white rappers are treated the same way as any other rappers. Just because the color of their skin may be different doesn't mean anything. We will, however, beat the living snot out of the kids who live in backwoods Kentucky and listen to music talking about the ghetto and think they really understand it and fail to see the humor of seeing them blast that from their tractors whether they're white, black, or any other race.

6. Not our fault. We were gone. Much like other religions, we actually take great offense at them trying to force their small and petty versions of dad and I on other people. In the after life we will be making them wear very tight corsets and 5 inch high heels that are even smaller than their versions of us. Anyone interested in inserting various unpleasent objects into their various orrifices please get in line. To get a good after life go enjoy all the great things you've been given now. You have to learn how to love life now so that you'll be able to handle the great stuff later. If you consistently go on about how horrible dad and I will treat those you don't like just wait because that is what will happen to you. Well, not quite, our version will be much more humerous.

7. Simple solution to a simple problem. Go topless. Even Jesus loves the boobies.

We mediate for everyone and couldn't care less about rankings or how many posts you have. As for redecorating, stop pulling a fundamentalist. When we say something its pretty simple and don't put anything extra in between the lines. Don't put any words in our mouths that we didn't say ourselves. When we say remodel, its like replacing the grass with a newer, softer version and maybe making the oceans different colors.

Dad bless you!

sunshineToo

Really, J.C.

What's with our PMS? Was it really neccessary?

wasasister

I am most humble and gracious, Oh Lord. Thank you for taking time to respond to my puny requests.

Kevin and I are tight, but when I mentioned you last night, he just laughed. I'm afraid he's "not of the body", but I'll work on him.

And, would Your Loftiness allow me to respond to "sunshine"??

Yes, my dear child, PMS is necessary. It's the least He could do after granting us multiple orgasms. It's only fair. I, for one, would not give up the one for relief from the other. Would you? Stop bothering Our Lord with insignificant questions. Mine were really important.

Yours in awe and wonderment,

Wasa

Jesus Christ

Seriously, if you could get Kevin Smith to email me, that would be so sweet. That guy is just genious.

Sunshine, see the answer already provided by the wise wasa.

wasasister

Well, Dear Lord, I might be able to arrange a message from the Great and Lofty Kevin, but how should he direct his e-mail? The usual, etherial prayer method? Or is electronic preferred. While I have long been aware of the etherial address (In the name of the Lord@Jesus Christ.com, Amen), I am afraid other than this message board, I don't know how Kevin would get to you.

Since it's you, Jesus, I might turn the tables and play mediator. I can be reached at:

[email protected]

I'm still working to convert Kevin, but ever since "Dogma", he seems turned off on religion and deities. I mean, if we really thought Your Dad looked like Alanis Morissette, we might all quit.

Wasa

PS: sorry about the "smiting" rant. I feel reasonably certain I can contain my wrath if you guys can. Let me know if you're taking suggestions on the colors tho. I'm a "summer".

Jesus Christ

I have just signed up for a new email address that Kevin may reach me at. Have him send a message to [email protected]. This will be one of the coolest things to happen to me if you honestly do really know Kevin Smith. Seriously, thank you!!!!!

wasasister

Oh Lord, are you questioning my sincerity? Of course I'm serious!

My contact at View Askew is working on it for me. We should know soon if Kevin is over his Crisis of Faith and is willing to communicate with you again.

However, I must admit I'm slightly disappointed that you don't have a direct line to Kev. I mean, you ARE the MAN, right?

Regards to Dad,

In Your Name,

Amen

PS: Jason will talk to anybody. Want me to give him your new e-mail?

Jesus Christ

Oh that's just too fucking cool! As I've stated before, our telco lines are down up here and it may be a while before the phone guy comes to fix it (he said he'd be here sometime tomarrow afternoon) so because of that I don't have a direct line to anyone.

Sorry if I seemed doubtful of you, its just not every day I get the chance to talk to dad's substitute.

By all means, go ahead and have Jason email me. All of those guys are just pure genious.

Princess

Just curious if you have read the book about you that is advertised at the beginning of this thread. Any comments?

I don't have pms or that other problem with bras, so those are not issues for me. I am wondering about the body hair on women. Why? Do you realize how much time and money is spent on it's removal? Wax hurts and shaving is so temporary. Were you and your dad really wanting to gaze down upon hairy women? YUCK.

Would you please ask Wasa to attend my apostaparty on August 3? She lives pretty close and we'd all love to meet her. You are welcome to attend of course, but you already knew that. Would a sunny day be too much to ask for? My house isn't huge and I'd like to use the backyard.

Thanks

Um, yea, in your name

amen

Rachel

To JC, My Sweet Lord: listen up

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