FIGHT THE POWER!!!!
Way to go, Larry!
Letter of disassociation to my JW family
by Larry 19 Replies latest jw friends
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Mum
Larry,
I know you want to leave the door open in case another member of your family decides to wake up and smell the whatever. You might add that to your letter. Otherwise, I think you are to be commended for your courage and character.
"I am not impressed by feelings in hearts. I am impressed by character and courage." - Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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Shutterbug
Great letter Larry, it seems shunning is a two edged sword.
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Larry
Wow, thanks for the references and feedback. I feel better already - putting this letter on the Net feels just as good as sending it to my family) Based on the feedback, I'll have to include additional information.
I'm not new on this board, I've been around since the early dates of H2O under various names (Cush, Doeg, Blackman4Life, etc.) But it's been a long time since I posted anything.
Let me just say, I've been D'AD since '98, when I joined the Military. I've been dealing with my hardcore JW family members since I've stepped down as Elder in '97. The fact that my JW Aunt is dying from cancer and in the face of the lastest KM article - It just made everything come to an head which inspired me to write. I don't really expect them to read the letter, I wrote it for myself. I would love to talk to them face to face about this, but they would not allow it.
I know from the tone of the letter I'm not acting any better than they are, but that's fine with me. I'm not trying to be the 'bigger person,' I'm just expressing my feelings. I could sugarcoat things and say 'I love my family' and 'If they feel like talking to me call me anytime,' But that's not what I'm feeling at this time. If I learned one thing being in the cult it's this: No matter how passionate you may feel about something today, it could change over night. I remember when I would have died for the organization without any hestitation, obviously I don't feel the same way today. As time passes things will change, but right now, I'm going with this feeling.
Thanks again for you comments.
Peace - Larry :)
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D wiltshire
Larry,
That's a good letter, its honest that's why I feel it is good. I hope that if you deside to send it it make some think. I know that is a lot to hope for but, who know it just may.
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Carmel
Larry,
I was shunned as a 15 yr old. Although I didn't write such a letter, it sure expressed most of the feelings I had. I went on to raise a wonderful family of five kids, all healthy non-drinker,non-smoker non druggers whilst my brothers kids (dubbies) were all most all into some form of garbage or another. I commend you for your honesty and taking the offensive. Maybe it will cause something to snap and bring some of them to their senses.. one can always hope.
Best of all to ya!
carmel
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Hmmm
Blackman!
Haven't seen you around these parts in a while.
I have no idea what you've gone through with your family, but I would try to leave the door open for them to come to their senses.
I would try to avoid extreme statements like "never call me again." My message would be "you can't dance in and out of my life on your terms, but once you guys open your eyes, I'll welcome you on mine."
Just my take. Good to see you posting again.
Hmmm
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Michael3000
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=31199&site=3&page=4
Paragraph 9 REALLY clashes with this gem:
Do you shun former members?
Those who simply leave the faith are not shunned. If, however, someone unrepentantly practices serious sins, such as drunkenness, stealing, or adultery, he will be disfellowshipped and such an individual is avoided by former fellow-worshipers. Every effort is made to help wrongdoers. But if they are unrepentant, the congregation needs to be protected from their influence. The Bible clearly directs: "Remove the wicked man from among yourselves." (1 Corinthians 5:13) What of a man who is disfellowshipped but whose wife and children are still Jehovah's Witnesses? The spiritual ties he had with his family changes, but blood ties remain. The marriage relationship and normal family affections and dealings can continue. As for disfellowshipped relatives not living in the same household, Jehovah's Witnesses apply the Bible's counsel: "Quit mixing with them." (1 Corinthians 5:11) Disfellowshipped individuals may continue to attend religious services and, if they wish, they may receive spiritual counsel from the elders with a view to their being restored. They are always welcome to return to the faith if they reject the improper course of conduct for which they were disfellowshipped.
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Larry
Thanks again for your input - Here's the final letter.
From the Desk of - Larry
To All My Practicing Jehovahs Witness Family Members:
Some of you will immediately dismiss this letter, but I think it would be in your best interest to read this letter in its entirely due to the specifics herein. I want to avoid any embarrassing situations that may result because of you not being informed of my wishes.
Ive recently came in contact with the August 2002 Kingdom Ministry, entitled "Display Christian Loyalty When a Relative is Disfellowshipped." Admittedly this article isnt "new light" it is just reenforcing the organizations hardline position on the treatment of disfellowshipped / disassociated people. In view of the below listed quotes from the article that is applicable to me:
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"3. ...Hence, we also avoid social fellowship with an expelled person. This would rule out joining him in a picnic, party, or trip to the shops or theatre or sitting down to a meal with him either in the home or at a restaurant;
"5. ...The fact is that when a Christian gives himself over to sin and has to be disfellowshiped, he forfeits much: his approved standing with God;.. sweet fellowship with the brothers, including much of the association he had with Christian relatives"; and
"9. ..."The situation is different if the disfellowshipped or disassociated one is a relative living, outside the immediate family circle and home," states The Watchtower of April 15, 1988, page 28. "It might be possible to have almost no contact at all with the relative. Even if there were some family matters requiring contact, this certainly would be kept to a minimum," in harmony with the divine injunction to "quit mixing in company with anyone" who is guilty of sinning unrepentantly. (1 Cor. 5:11) Loyal Christians should strive to avoid needless association with such a relative, even keeping business dealings to an absolute minimum."
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Im letting you know that you dont have to worry about how to deal with me, or concern yourself about being put in a compromising position because Im solemnly cutting you off.
Although the article says "...Even if there were some family matters requiring contact, this certainly would be kept to a minimum." Which means Im not welcome in my mothers house for dinner, no one could call me to see how Im doing, etc. However, Im letting you know that I dont even want minimum contact with you. My stance includes funerals, financial woes, illnesses, or any emergency. I refuse to be accepted on a part time or emergency type basis, either you accept me whole or dont accept me at all. That treatment reminds me of Jim Crow laws - Those days are over.
Sadly enough, this is the worst time for family division, we are all getting older and our past life styles are catching up to some of us. We should be mending old wounds, appreciating each other, and breaking vicious negative cycles that all to often repeats itself. Instead, what I see is a Divide & Conquer, Us vs. Them mentality. As much as I love all of you and crave a unified family, I know its not possible - Ive accepted that fact. Family is nice, but its not everything. In my case living life is bigger than family, in your case, religion is bigger than family. I wish there could be a happy medium, but as you know there is no amicable way of leaving the organization.
Which brings to mind Auntie's critical heath condition - No, I will not be going to Atlanta to visit her. The mere fact that it is an issue is shameful - I can recall my mother telling me "Its OK if I visit her." As you all know, she was like a mother to me - Took me everywhere, showed me love, was generous with me, introduced me to music, radio, TV, cards, and classic movies. (She even saved my life with I was an infant.) She made my childhood a memorable one, and I will always appreciate her for that. But thats all I have, treasured memories. The last conversation I had with her was a pleasant one - I could tell she is at peace. I think she gave up on life a long time ago, which is helping her accept her terminal condition. In any event, I hope she does well, I will cherish the fond memories.
I also appreciate what my mother has done for me and what she has done for herself. I cant put my finger on what she did to help me gain inner strength, the strength I need to be independent of the organization, but it proved beneficial for me. I cant deny my history, I will always acknowledge her for the protection, discipline, guidance, and parental duties. But, I cant live in the past or live for other peoples acceptance. There comes a point in a persons life where you have to live your own life. There is where the problem lies - You guys cant accept me because I dont believe in your organization or religion. You cant say Oh well, thats his choice, we love him the same but you have to take it to the next level and say well, if he leaves we wont talk to him, well make him feel sorry that he turned his back on our religion. That behavior is very medieval and it especially wont work on me.
I understand how you have to be loyal to your organization so I do not expect or want you to change, because thats where you guys belong. But as a conscientious, responsible man who worked and has taken care of my family, giving my children what I never had, I can not be in the company of people who consider me worthy of destruction, less of a person, thinks I need some type of help, or am someone who "gives himself over to sin. " I consider your company anything but "sweet fellowship." Now that Im on the outside looking in, I cant believe you guys think you are the standard of righteousness - far from it. Especially in view of the fact that the organization has on file over 23,000 pedophiles - Which isnt any startling news to Elders, because when I was in that position, those situations were common, along with drunkenness, depression and suicide.
The mistaken belief of the organization is that shunning is an act of love that will help someone turn from their evil ways. Well let me reassure you that I will NEVER come back to the organization, I see it for what it is and I dont want any part of it. The views that you are forced to live by only makes me resent the fact that I was ever associated with such an organization. In fact, one of my BIGGEST regrets in life was counseling J, years ago, when her mother was disfellowshipped, advising her that she shouldnt call her mother so often. Im so grateful that J had enough sense to ignore me.
Ive received phone calls from some of you guys, telling me about some family or medical situation and all the while you kept mentioning the reason you called. What kind of conversation is that? Where every other sentence is "well, the only reason Im calling is because..." Its as if someone else was on the other end monitoring the phone call making sure that you dont call me for a normal reason, like to see how Im doing. Ill never forget how Moms was preaching (I call it harassing) J while I was in the Military (basic training,) saying in effect that you have to be more loyal to the organization than to Larry, etc. And how she called the night before [my baby sister]s wedding telling J she dont think it would be a good idea for us to come to the reception because some of the friends would walk out, etc. Well, that wont happen again, because Im telling you all now - Dont call my house for anything.
I would never tell my kids not to talk to you guys, but if you ever talk to my kids, dont dare preach to them. If you think Im part of the Evil Slave Class now, let me catch you preaching to my children. Its bad enough that we have another generation of JW kids thinking they are better than other kids. I wouldnt mind if my children joined any religion, with the exception of yours. Any religion that breaks up families because one members doesnt believe the same myth as you is evil. I would do the best I could to keep my kids away from that. Shunning takes place in most religions and I think the practice is counter productive, If not out right against all human decency.
You fault me for joining the Military, but I see how the Military rescued my mother when my father died. (Oh, just in case you are wonder, thats why Im considered disfellowhipped - because I joined the Military - thats automatic grounds for disassociation from the organization.) The Military sent my Moms and each child a check every month after his death. In fact, Moms is still benefitting from Satans Organization today. I just want the same benefits for my family. But for me joining the Military, in a non-combatant occupation, it is a major spiritual offense. That reasoning seems very inconsistent. When I joined the Military I had to put someone besides my wife and kids down as a beneficiary , so I naturally picked my mother. But now I have to take her name off - I cant imagine her speaking to me "to an absolute minimum" while Im alive and receiving any benefits from me through my death. Speaking of such, if me and any one in my family dies please dont bother attending the funeral. If you cant talk to me while Im alive dont bother showing your appearance of support later on.
For those of you who says "didnt you know what would happen when you joined the Military." I say, yes I knew the consequences, but you guys have taken the whole thing to another level, going beyond the rules (I know because I had/have access to the official rules.) Now that I take a closer examination, I see the position the organization takes towards the disfellowshipped / disassociated ones is really a smoke screen, in my situation, because it has more to do with our dysfunctional family than with the man-made rules.
Speaking of man-made rules, I find the organization more culpable than it members, because they have all the control. All they have to do is say jump and the members will say how high. I mean, if the organization says Ok you can talk to disfellowship ones, you would go along with it, just like last year when they said in a Question From Readers that you can pray for disfellowship ones. It seems that you have to wait on some strangers to dictate how you will deal with your family. It takes an extremely forgiving and humble person to want to be in the company of people who pity them and view them as dangerous. Im not that one, Im not the bigger person. Ive came too far in life to let someone browbeat or try an shame me into submission. The religious blackmail is not working.
To those who say Im demonized, evil , mean spirited, etc. - So be it. When I first left the organization or even when I resigned as an Elder, one of the first things I realize is how anybody could make a statement about you and it would be believed as fact - rumors galore. I would never get the benefit of the doubt, especially from my mother. Instead of folks saying Oh no, Larry would never do that it would be Oh yes, he must be guilty. If you have to vilify me in order for you to justify your actions let it be. The organization has seen fit to reenforce their stand, which prompts me to reenforce mine. Thus, no hard feelings, we are both doing what we have to do to survive.
For those of you who say "I dont know why he left, he knows better" I say - Yes, I know better thats why I left. For those who say "I love you" - Please dont ever say such a thing. You have no concept of what love really is. Love is not phoney hugs, forced greetings, or contact due to emergences - its unconditional acceptance.
I know this letter comes as a shock. Because you guys think the world revolves around you, and everybody should make adjustment to cater to your beliefs, well Im taking the initiative and letting you know that you cant treat me or my family like a second class citizen I will not allow it, thats why Im distancing myself from you.
In closing, you may say why such anger? I said why not. I cant sit down and express myself to you in person, because itll result in an argument. And since I dont have any destructive habits to release my frustration i.e drinking or drugging, writing is my outlet of choice. I know the majority of people this letter is addressed to wont read pass the first paragraph (if any,) but Im feeling good about releasing my feelings, writing is truly therapeutic. And since Im not hiding from my pass Im free to write the truth about my feelings. This is one case where The truth will set you free.
Take care and have a nice day. Please pass this letter to any JW family member I may have missed. Oh, and since my mother likes to report things to the Elders, i.e. My Army letters and photos, please feel free to show my Letter of Disassociation to My JW Family to them.
Sincerely,
Lawrence L. Henderson Jr.
Edited by - Larry on 23 July 2002 9:54:42
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LeslieV
Dear Larry;
You have great strength and courage. I think you have expressed what most of us here feel.
You are accurate when you say they do not know what love is. Love is unconditional..when JW's talk about love they only give it lip service, it really has no meaning to them. Their love consists of judgment, condemnation, and arrogance.
Regardless of what your JW family thinks of you..you are an honorable person that has provided and shown real love to his family. They will be able to emulate you not empty words of the cult. You should be proud!!!!
Leslie