Fight with daughter

by Cath 10 Replies latest watchtower medical

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  Cath

  I don't post too often and this is really hard for me to do but I just have to vent about this.

  I have had my answering machine take any incoming calls for the last couple of days because I am really not in the mood for talking to anyone apart from my daughters at this point in time, so I pick up only if it is one of them.

  Well I picked up tonight as it was my eldest and us being very close I always tell her what is going on in my life/head etc. She is a mother herself but never was a jw as I swore I would never force that on my girls or anyone else. She thanks me for that because her three children are free of fear and normal well adjusted kids. I have filled her in on all the b/s regarding the jws.

  I have tried to let her know what it is like for me to find out after 30 years that I was living a lie, not even thinking I had a future except death at the big A because I couldn't live the way they wanted me to. Now all of a sudden I have a future and am very confused. I am also going through the change of life and my second marriage ended in January this year and I have heaps of issues still with sexual abuse and incest and my twin sis dying recently etc etc. I am also trying to find something to believe in and going to therapy helps heaps but can't take away the depression and I tend to get very teary quite often.

  Anyway tonight I was teary and I wish I hadn't picked up because as usual we got into quite deep discussion about the purpose of life and spiritual paths etc, but she just couldn't see where I was coming from and I don't blame her for that. I just told her that I thought there was more to life and that I wanted to know what my life path was and told her that I was thinking of having a regression done and an astrological chart. Well you'd have thought I had asked her to kill the dog or something. She went right off at me and told me to pull my socks up which I didn't handle too well but let her get away with because I love her. She was shouting at me over the phone so I asked her very calmly to stop getting so het up and talk quietly. That made her even worse so I just held the phone away from my ear and when I could get a word in edgewise I asked if she had finished shouting at me and she hung up on me.

  I am hurting really bad as she is the only one of my daughters that I have regular contact with because the other two are o/s. They are my only family. I have had the phone off the hook since then and don't know if I can ever talk to her about my issues again. Maybe it was too much for her but she is 28 and I thought she could handle it after all we have been through together. We have always talked about everything. She even dumped on my therapist saying he was twisting my mind but he has never tried to influence my thoughts or beliefs etc and I couldn't even defend him because of her ranting and shouting. So now I don't know what to do.

  I feel like phoning her and giving her a serve about treating me like a child or her hated ex. I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice. I have the tightest band around my head, I am shaking internally and externally and am only just keeping it together enough to post this. As if I needed someone I thought I could trust doing this to me. Yeah right! I have PTSD MDD and anxiety so this has really rattled me. I don't have anyone else to talk to so you all are it. Sorry.
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  JanH

  Cath,

  I am very sorry to hear about your struggles. The period when you put the JW worldview behind can be very confusing. It seems your daughter is having her own issues to deal with which may explain her aggressive reaction. It must be very hard for both of you.

  There is really no hurry about finding out what you believe about the world and the future. Perhaps you are rushing for solutions and answers? It's easy to long for a new structure of secure beliefs like the one we had as JWs, where every answer can be read out of some publication or a verse in the Bible, but I don't really see this as a healthy world view. We can learn to deal with uncertainty regarding life, the universe and everything. Once you realize this is so, it may be easier. At least it was for me.

  Best wishes!

  - Jan
• 

  Sirona

  (((((Cath)))))

  Hang in there. I'm sure that you'll make up with your daughter, she might be feeling bad about shouting at you already!

  Sometimes we go too far when discussions get heated....try to calm down and speak to her when you are feeling strong enough.

  Sirona
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  outoftheorg

  Hello Cath;

  Sounds like your world crumpled a little. Things like this are hard to deal with I know. But remember that this, like all things will pass with time. It sounds like both of you became frustrated with what was happening and kind of took it out on each other.

  It would not hurt to go ahead and speak to your daughter and let her know you are sorry things went this way. You don't have to take blame, just sorry things went down hill. Telling relatives things like this is usually too much for them "relatives make poor counselors" it is better to vent these frustrations with a counselor or a friend that can handle it.

  You can always vent your feelings on this forum and be listened to and many here can suggest things to try . Most of us have went through similar things and can relate to your position.

  One has to be careful to pick only people that can be trusted and that can deal with the emotions involved in issues of a personal nature. Not all of ones friends are able to do this or can be trusted with the information released as we vent our problems in life.

  Hang in there-take each day as it comes-be good to yourself-do some fun things just for you. Visit friends. When with friends try to not overload them all at one time with the problems. Vent a little and later a little more. There are people that really will want to help you. Some of them are right here.
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  joelbear

  Sometimes our personal path is so personal that only we ourselves can understand where we are and only we can make the right decisions regarding it. Our decisions may seem stupid to other people. Indeed, our decisions may be mistakes, but mistakes are also part of our path.

  I get frustrated when my partner and close friends do not understand where I am coming from, but they can't understand some things because our paths are different, even though we are close to each other.

  Take care

  Joel
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  Cath

  Thanks for the words of encouragement people.

  (((((((((Sirona))))))))),

  I know you have struggles of your own and I'm sorry I have not acknowledged yours when I have seen your posts. I guess I have been wrapped up in my own misery too much. I do hope all is going well for you now .I still have the phone off the hook for the moment until I work out how I am going to handle it but I am a lot calmer now so it should be easier. Thank you, you are a sweet angel.

  JanH,

  You are right I think in that there is no rush but I have lived my whole life wanting to get things or do things now because the big A was just around the corner. It is therefore hard to forget that mindset and the certainty that you are going to die. Thank you for reminding me about the uncertainty of life and your encouragement and I mean that sincerely.

  outoftheorg,

  Thank you also for your advice. My problem has been that I haven't been able to trust anyone apart from my girls so I guess that maybe it is too much for them judging by what happened. I am also a very shy person so posting here is very hard. I actually was going to ask Simon to delete my post straight away but I am glad I hung out on that because of the freindship and advice from poeple who DO know where I'm at. I am going to TRY and be more regular on this board as I think it could help to interact with people more because it has really helped in this instance.

  joelbear,

  You have hit the nail squarely on the head I think because yes people do think my decisions are silly but they are MY decisions. I have been through my life letting others make my decisions for me due to the conditioning of being raised in the borg and now I HAVE to make mistakes to grow. I know that but my daughter doesn't understand it as she has always had the right to make her own decisions. I guess she will only understand when her kids get to that decision making age themselves. Thanks for understanding.

  Hugs and love to you all for not judging me. I am now feeling good enough to be able to put the phone back on the hook and turn my mobile phone back on. Thanks again.
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  Sirona

  Let us know how it works out...

  Sirona
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  avengers

  Hey Cath: Hang in there. I remember being in the borg that depressions were very common. Before I was a borg I didn't even know what a depression was. Now that I'm out I have a little dip now and then, but that's normal. Depressions like I had being in the borg have slowly passed. I'm sure the more you untie yourself from their indoctrinations the better it'll go for you. I have family with the borg, so I know patience is of the utmost importance. Work on your new found life. I'm having fun doing it and I'm sure in due time they will come back to you.

  love................Andy
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  Cath

  Hi avengers,

  Yes I still have family in the borg as well so I know how it feels and I was frightened of losing another member of my family due to a silly argument that never needed to happen. I just couldn't bear the thought of that happening which is why I vented to you guys instead of my daughter. I didn't want to inflame an already bad situation. Whats really ironic is that she told me also to get off this board as it was "full of everyone else's issues and could do me no good". Little does she know that it was exactly the people on this board that helped me more than she. I would NEVER tell her that though.

  Sirona,

  Thanks so much for your concern. I got an SMS message from her tonight saying that she wanted to say she was sorry that she said some hurtful things but that she was frustrated with concern for me as my daughter. I messaged her back saying that I would talk to her tomorrow so that I have a bit more time to let her and me calm right down. I wish I could visit her but she lives 250kms away and I doubt that my old bomb would make it that far. It seems we may be on the right track thank goodness. My ex husband (not her father) has to take some credit here as well because she had phoned him when she couldn't raise me and he talked to her. He used to be a union convenor, LOL, so he has had plenty of experience in negotiations bless him.

  Love to you both,

  Cath
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  Mulan

  Cath, I have to agree with Jan. It seems that because we were dubs for so long, and thought we had all the answers, that we believe they are still out there somewhere. They may NOT be. I agree that it is a very common thing for ex JW's to look everywhere for the answers that the society ended up not really having. But, maybe there are no answers. It's normal to feel a void for a long time. Eventually, you begin to live again, and you fill that void............hopefully not with another religion. (I feel they are all the same, to one extent or another) You can find a great hobby that you didn't have time for before, or go back to school, or travel, or whatever.

  Keep the communication open with your daughter. Family is precious, as you know.