by Crystal 45 Replies latest social relationships
Oh Dutchie, That is so sad. Im sorry.
I was married very young too. We've been together since I was 16, Im 31 now. There is no secret really. We do manage to put up with eachother. I think you have to at least be friends and be slightly compatable to live with someone for that long and not want to strangle the person.
Survivor, I was going to quote a part of your comment that I thought was most adorable but I realized I would have had to copy the entire thing. So funny!
The following is dedicated to Dutchie (and all the other "happily" married ones that are out there):
The secret of a happy (not to say "successful") marriage is:
Three parts strategy...
... and seven parts luck.
Sorry to sound so cynical, but that's the way it is.
Every marriage is a crap shoot... a roll of the dice (as I told a friend today) and those marriages that *are* "successful", not to mention "happy", are (in reality) quite rare.
Think about it: two people. Never met. Raised in different ways, even on different sides of the planet. Even within races, cultures, and families subtle (meaningful) differences abound. Each are supposed to "learn" to like each other (first of all) then love each other. Come on! Give me a break.
Trust me. You can't love (or even like) just ol' anybody. Just because you say "I do" one day doesn't mean the deal is SEALED in concrete. And the really sick thing about the MARRIAGE deal is that you never know until months (years?) after the deal is already done.
Like I say, those that are happily married are rare. As rare as folks that come away from Las Vegas with money in their pocket.
IMO.
Hi Teejay,
Good marriages are a crap shoot. I agree with that. You start off deeply (hopefully) in love but you can never be sure of the outcome. You have to go in determined to make it succeeed. I know I did.
I am an American. My husband waqs German. Do you when we first met he spoke only a little english and I had to learn to speak German. But little by little we found that we though we were culturally different, we really had a lot in common. Then when the children came it actually strengthened the marriage. We loved those kids.
There were ups and downs, but finally, ultimately, we loved each other deeply.
I don't expect to find that again.
It'll soon be 22. They say marriage is an institution and it seems like I have spent 22 years in an institution.
The secret of a good marriage is:
finding a women who is good in bed, finding a women who is good in the home, and finding a women who can manage money effectively. And the somehow never let the 3 of them meet each other...
Pope
In November it will be 42 years. I wouldn't trade her for anyone or any group of anyones.
Like you Dutchy, we married young, very young. I was twenty and she was 15, and we got all the same "encouragement" that you did. Also, like Seeker4, I am out, having been DFed about 15 years ago and have been quite defiant about it, as I was DFed on false charges. She's not only still in, but so are all of our kids and relatives. Even more interesting is that she is well liked and respected by everyone that knows her, inside or out. She and the kids receive no prejudice due to my being DFed.
That doesn't mean it was easy. Picture being on the road 2,000 miles away and finding out that your "loving brothers" assigned her a part in the Service Meeting to explain to the congregation how she manages to keep her spirituality when she has an unbelieving husband. (%*@#$^&$(^ !!!?)
My thoughts run along the same lines as Seeker4 and Mulan's. I'll add a little, though.
Yes, it is highly important to like each other before the love sets in. That way you can make rational decisions about each other. In my case, I followed some advice my Mom gave me: "When picking a woman to be your wife, ask yourself if this is the girl that you want to be the mother of your children." That puts a whole different slant on it from the usual "Wow! I'd sure like to get in her pants!" So while I like and respect Teejay, I disagree with his conclusions. By using logic and reason, one can greatly enhance the chances that one could find an excellent marriage.
There is much emphasis on having the same likes and dislikes in society today, and I feel that it is badly overrated. I love the differences between us, for her interests open doors of knowledge for me that I would never get the opportunity to experience. In talking together I can see these things through her eyes, and that added perspective widens our horizons.
Another thing that I vehemently disagree with is the 50/50 business of dividing up everything in the marriage as to responsibility. Given such a scenario, each is constantly preoccupied with whether or not things are fair and whether each are living up to it. We've always used the 60/60 approach. That way things get done and there is something left over. More importantly, it also reflects the attitude that should be in a marriage: Teamwork --- two against the world and united in our goals, each thinking of the other first.
To illustrate: Once about 4 years into our marriage, we bought an old used Cadillac at an excellent price. We loved it and felt we were rich even though we were far from it. One day while I was at work painting the switch room of the local telephone company (where all the operators were), one of the operators came to me with a funny look on her face. "Your wife's on the phone."
I got on and she was crying so hard that I could hardly find out why. I finally learned why. She'd stacked the Cadillac. She kept talking about the car and how bad it looked and wouldn't pay any attention to my questions. Finally I nearly yelled: TO HECK WITH THE BLASTED CADILLAC!! HOW ARE YOU??? Operators heads popped up all over the place. LOL I've long felt that it is in the other's faults and errors and how they are dealt with that true love is expressed and built.
I love my girl. I would like very much to remain married to her for all time.
LoneWolf
Edited by - LoneWolf on 4 September 2002 9:16:5
We will hit 19 years on Veterens Day ...
I met mine as a revenge date... her BF ran off with my GF, so I banged her to get even. That was 1981, and have been together since.
As to how or why... we have no idea. We have tried to figure it out, she cant figure out why she stayed this long. Being married to a drunken biker isnt easy, but she managed thru the time that I quit partying. Now we both just sit by the pool and share memories over a diet coke or ice water.
Too many people out there think there is some secret to it. There isnt, just do it. And take seperate vacations sometimes.
Animal
