Lauralisa:
I know you must be going through a difficult time. I am glad you voiced your feelings. That is a step forward. The so-called therapist- should have his/her license revoked and not practice as a Mental Health Counselor.
All of us, in a way have come away from what I call Fellowshipping with Fear, with some scars. Because of the Abuse, I received at home my entire childhood was filled with fear. Being controlled by anger, intimidation, being forced to submit to WTS teachings, being forced to pretend that we liked and /or agreed with all this makes it harder to be able to express how you truly feel. Because at times, it makes you feel guilty. I believe going through this (myself) attributes to my inability to express my true feelings at times. Being forced to act and pretend to protect myself left me with many deep seated emotional wounds.
The few times, I timidly attempted to speak out, about my situation; ended up in devastation. It brought a violent reaction from those who were suppose to protected me from harm rather than inflict it.
My mother's violent reaction - her ranting and raving was so frightening to me, that I learned and programmed myself to just do whatever to survive.
But Fear was my constant companion: fear of my mom, step dad, fear of the anger, fear of being exposed, and fear of someone finding out what was happening, fear of having friends. The isolation I felt and was placed in allowed them to control me.
Then there is the betrayal.. Why didn't someone stop this, why did they allow it to go on, why...? No one helped me and they should have.
Then came the pretending everything was all right when it was not. Rather than facing it, I ran and hid in books, lied to myself and finally one day it blew up.
I think the best thing my step dad ever did was to throw me out of the house (tent trailer at the time). (At the time, it was horrible) but it forced me to deal with what was going on. I was no longer under their control. I was finally "free to choose".
If we run from the truth ... (now not the WTS interpretation) but the plain truth of what has happened in our lives. Then we will stay in bondage to those things. We need to stand and confront it.
Sometimes that entails getting help. A good therapist listens period. Human beings have a way of talking things out until a solution comes. Others need sounding boards.. Yeah therapists have "training" but they don't have all the answers.
I used to think if only they would change... if my financial situation would change, if I got this or that. But the situation of my happiness was the same. I was depressed, suicidal (during the early parts) and basically lost.
Then it hit me. If I truly wanted a change and things to go right. Then the change would have to come from me. I could not change anyone else, nor should I try to. Because the only person who could change me is me. Believe me, I am a work in progress still.
The key to change is to get to the root of the problem.
Many in emotional bondage and in addiction have grown from roots of:
Abuse, Shame, Rejection, Guilt, Improper Mirroring and Imaging from Parent. We feel "something is wrong with me".
From those roots we get:
Anger -hostility, Controlling, Judgmental, Chip on the shoulder, Hatred, Low Self Esteem, Negativism, Depression, Self Pity.
We get Confusion and Inner Turmoil, the pretend me.. b/c the real me is not acceptable ( we are trained in that) An we try finding out lets for this in many forms: Sex, Food, Money, Power, Drugs, Alcohol, Activity.. If I can't get good feelings from within me, I'll try getting it from the outside.
No one can wave a wand and give you those feelings. You have made the first steps in a long journey. You recognize that there is something missing and you need to get to the root of it.
Working through painful memories takes time.
Self Rejection and Self Hatred... Shame and Guilt can cause this, and in extreme cases it can develop into self abuse. Many have rejected themselves, b/c they are convinced they will be rejected by others... and manifest this behavior in accordance with what they believe about themselves. The list of potential problems goes on and on... by the point I am getting at (yes there is a caboose to this train of thought).
If you are truly seeking to be released and recovery from abuse, you must not allow other people's opinions of you, as evidenced by the way you have been mistreated in the past, to determine your worth. Remember, people who feel worthless will always try to find something wrong with you so they can feel better about themselves.
Some people don't reject themselves totally, but only parts like personality, body, etc. Sometimes allowing yourself forgiveness and acceptance that you will make mistakes along the way, imparts strength to you. Little by little change will happen (if you allow yourself to take those steps). Sometimes help is needed.. That is not a bad thing. But when you allow someone to tell you ... that you are unworthy of love, life, and they belittle your self worth. Then they are wrong and suffering themselves and have no business telling others how to live their lives.
Last but not least.. you are not alone.
Xandria
HOPE: 1-800-748-2433 this is a crisis line that has people available 24-7.. you can call up just to talk and you don't have to tell them who you are.
An again for those who need referals and services:
National Mental Health Association: 1-800-969-NMHA(6642) 330 affilliates nationwide providing treatment referrals & services
Prevent Child Abuse: 1-800-244-5373
Children of the Night: 1-800-551-1300A 24 hour a day runaway crisis hotline
Runaway Hotline (National) 1-800-621-4000
Trevor Helpline - GLBT youth: 1-800-850-8078
Compassionate Friends-parent grief: 1-630-990-0010
Friends of Battered women and their Children: 1-800-603-4357
Al-Anon Meeting information: 1-888-425-2666
Alcohol and Drug Helpline: 1-800-821-4357
Provides referrals to local facilities
Domestic Violence Hotline (National): 1-800-799-7233
National Domestic Violence
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: 1-800-656-4673
Renfrew Center for Eating Disorders: 1-800-736-3739
Cuting Yourself?: 1-800-366-8288
Edited by - xandria on 22 August 2002 23:44:47
