Is it normal to feel jealousy??? (page 2)

butalbee

Thanks for all the great advice, you guys/gals are the best!!!

But I found out something this morning, that irks me even more, I just talked to a friend of mine who I work w/ and she says that little dub has been going to meet ding dub for lunch everynight while he works.They eat lunch together. ((((screaming)))). And they have an Awake book study in breakroom. Why am I suddenly feeling nauseated? Oh and Lisa says that little dubby quit high school last yr, so I'm gonna assume that she's younger than. I told her if she ever see's this girl at work to call me.

Edited by - butalbee on 26 August 2002 10:10:9

Robdar

Butalbee,

You said: "Yeah, probably some nice innocent little dub fallen head over heels for him, hoping to marry him and have little dub babies. Oh, Christ--what if they get married??

What if they do get married? Perhaps what you are feeling is not jealousy, per se. Perhaps it is a feeling of inadequecy and anger? That somehow, even though you know it is right that you ended the relationship, you feel anger that somebody else may be better suited to his needs than you were?

I hope I am not coming across as harsh here. It has always been my experience that emotions are layered. I am just trying to help you get through the layers of the "jealousy" that you are feeling.

You said: "I told her if she ever see's this girl at work to call me."

Now, why on earth would you want her to do that? Are you going to confront this girl? Why are you directing your emotions towards this young lady? She is innocent in this. She may not even know about you. To her, your former boyfriend is a treasure that you discarded. Why ruin her happiness? Why ruin your happiness? You did make the choice to break up with him. You have moved on. Shouldn't you let him do the same?

Love,

Robyn

Edited by - robdar on 26 August 2002 11:18:20

butalbee

I don't want to confront her, I know she is innocent to this. I'm just being stupid. I have no right to feel this way--I made the decision, it was a good decision. I think I'm feeling hurt--they were out in the open holding hands, for all the world to see. When we walked down the street, I always walked behind him, so people wouldn't know we were together. Maybe that's what is bugging me, I don't know, I can't figure myself out...

Robdar

Butalbee,

Luv, you are not being stupid. In my opinon, you are showing much wisdom in trying to better understand yourself and why you are feeling the way you do. Be of good cheer, you are on the right course.

Love,

Robyn

SYN

Well, Butal, it sounds like you're in a sticky spot. I reiterate my above statement, be thankful for what you've got!

Of course, I know virtually nothing about the situation or your feelings, so I might be way outta line here...

Scully

Butalbee:

I wouldn't classify your feelings about what you saw as "jealousy".

If I were in your position, and saw an ex of mine publicly displaying affection (even holding hands) with a new girlfriend, when he insisted on keeping his relationship with me totally "hush-hush", I'd be livid. Not jealous.

It's as though the relationship you had with him is nothing more than one of his "dirty little secrets". It's as though what he had with you was nothing more than "practice" and what he has with her is legitimate and "real". If it were me, I'd feel like I'd been used.

That hurts like hell, and rightfully so.

The best thing you can do is live your life well and forget about him.

Love, Scully

butalbee

((Scully))

Thank you.

SYN

"Living well is the best revenge"

Cicatrix

{{{Butalbee}}}

Sorry things are so tumultuous for you right now.

Emotions in and of themselves are not "right" or "wrong", they just are.That was one of the things I hated about the dub lifestyle-being expected to control everything, right down to how we feel about things.How passion for anything but God and the organization was practically a four-letter word.

I can tell you from experience, your jealousy is very normal.You cared deeply for the guy.Just because you were insightful enough to realize that you couldn't spend the rest of your life with him, that didn't completely erase your feelings for him.He's a part of your history.Our brains and hearts remember well.

The same thing happend to me years ago.I was in an intense relationship with my husband's best friend. I found out he didn't care about me as much as I cared for him when he abruptly and unceremoniously dumped me.Fortunately for me, he moved out of town shortly thereafter.My husband kept a respectful distance for a few months, then asked me out(we had been friends the whole time I was dating my ex).He later told me that he had wanted to date me the entire time I was with his friend.About six months after we started dating, my ex came back and asked me to go back with him.He even wanted me to move to state he lived in. I was torn, but I realized that my new boyfriend treated me a lot better than my "true love" had, and I turned my ex down.Still though, when mutual friends just had to tell me he got married about two years after my husband and I married, I cried for a week.My husband was hurt, but I had always been honest with him how I felt about his friend,so he just held me while I cried.It took ten years for the intensity of my feelings for that guy to fade, but they did.In the meantime, my husband did some really awful things that he needed to be forgiven for himself (not related in any way to my ex-partially related to JWs). Looking back now, I have a fond remembrance for that portion of my history, but I'm also able to see that he really was not the guy for me.

For many people who are in a relationship for any amount of time, jealousy is something that has to be dealt with.This will probably not be the last time you have to face it.It happens even in very good relationships, because as I said before,emotions just are.

It sounds to me that a lot of what you're grieving over is the fact that your ex didn't seem to want to make his relationship with you publicly known.That can really hurt when you care deeply about someone (my ex did that to me, also).I was curious as to why this might be so.Was it just a personal preference on his part, or was it due to some theocratic thing?If the latter is the fact, maybe part of what you are grieving is how your former religion interfered with your relationship.This happened to my husband and I in a very big way.

So go ahead and have a good cry, sweetie. Eat your favorite comfort foods, sing your heart out to some good break up tunes(maybe not if current beau is around).Then go take the hand of that guy who treats you like a princess and walk side by side with him.That's much better than having to walk so many paces behind like a woman from some Middle eastern country(they still do this,as I was told by an Iranian woman I recently met) because for whatever reason, the guy doesn't have enough respect for you or courage to acknowledge your relationship.

Hugs,

Cicatrix

PS Sorry my posts are so long-I'm a budding writer and am naturally wordy.I'm working on getting em shorter:)

Elsewhere

I find it fascinating that a person can exit one relationship and shortly thereafter enter a new one. How does one find another compatible person so quickly? I see this all the time in so many people.

It takes a long time for me to find someone with whom I am compatible.

Am I just strange? [Antennas moving with curiosity]

Edited by - Elsewhere on 26 August 2002 14:46:0

Is it normal to feel jealousy???

Share this