How to help a friend?

City Fan

Well after over 100 posts this is my first thread. But I thought that this subject was important enough to start a topic and I hope some of you will be able to give me some good advice.

To set the scene: A very close friend of mine is a nurse training to be an anaesthetist. He recently had a JW call on him and he'd invited him in and they'd discussed the blood issue. He thought it was amazing anyone would risk there own child's life because of religious beliefs. Maybe because of this visit or because he knows I used to be a JW and some of my family still are he decided to do a dissertation as part of his training on a fictitious JW patient who needs a blood transfusion.

I didn't know till last week that he'd phoned the local JW number and that soon after that the local 'Hospital Liaison' elder had gone round to his house. He said the guy was very nice and not pushy but he's ended up with videos, books and even a NWT bible!!!

He then said to me last night that he was going to go to one of their meetings. So far I've not really said anything to him. I always worry about the consequences if the local elders found out that someone was put off the JWs by me - could they disfellowship me for apostacy even though it's over 10 years since I faded away?

Well this afternoon I'm going over to my friends house. We're going to have some beers and he wants me to read through his work. The simple fact is that I cannot stand by while he is slowly drawn into the JW world. This could destroy his marriage, family and friendships.

So my basic question is - how do I put him off the idea of ever going to a JW meeting and eventually becoming one. And am I in trouble if anyone finds out. The trouble is the hospital liaison elder knows my dad very well and already knows that I'm a very good friend of the man who he's taken the books and videos to. If my friend suddenly tells him that he's no longer interested it won't take this elder long to put 2 and 2 together and realise that it was me who put him off.

I'm going to take a scan I found with the withdrawn blood card on it (I'm sure he'll know what the word 'allogeneic' means). But do I approach this from a scientific or theological approach? Do I try and show him how often they change their minds on science and medicine or do I tell him about all the failed prophecies and chronology?

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to leave all this JW stuff behind!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'll keep you all informed about what happens!

Many Thanks.

City.

jwsons

First of all, you praise him about his behaviour when he consider about blood issue. Tell him you admire him eventhough he is a nurse, ever believed (and maybe still believe in) blood transfusion will help in critical occasions (Intensive care), but he also consider other side of the matter by asking JWs' viewpoint about blood transfusion.

Then, now he may consider about religion (JWs), you wish him also has a moderately behav', mean he should know opinion from another side too. You give him the book "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz (amazon.com has it).

You want it or not, if he turns into a JW, your lukewarm situation will be reported (for he already know you ever been involved w/ JWs and now fade away). If you tell him about Watchtower is a cult and he agree, you have your friend back, if he refuse your advice, it's up to him. Even you keep silent, not telling him JWs is a cult, he still report you anyhow. That's my (humble?)opinion

jwsons

Been there

In my opinion, I would sit and watch. Maybe question a little about where he's coming from. He might just be curious. "If" he ends up going to a meeting, see what he thought of it. Depending on what he says you can let him know how nice they can be in the beginning. What ever he does counter it. I wouldn't bombard him, yet. That would be overreacting. If he is searious about really checking it out, he will probably ask you what you think. He may just be being nice to this guy. If you play it by ear and proceed only as needed you should be able to stay out of any line of fire. There is no statute of limitations on aposticy. Think of it as a very young kid asking sex questions. Just answer the questions asked and don't give him the whole book on the birds and the bees. But watch very closely.

abbagail

Hi CityFan: Your friend may not be able to "see" anything negative during the "love-bombing" stages. I remember being on a "high" for the first several years as a JW.

This is jumping the gun, of course, but one thing that upsets me second to the pedophile issue, is the change in the baptism vows, and here's a simple clear-cut distinction and explanation, with WT quotes before and after the changes. It's hard to deny something is very "fishy" about this one topic alone: http://www.food4jws.org/wt_beliefs/baptize.htm Of course, maybe one would have to have been a JW to appreciate the significance of this. I don't know if it would have any effect on a newbie.

I thought Been There's advice was good: Treat him like a little kid asking Q's and don't feed him too much at a time. He may resent it and feel you are being overly negative, especially if he is "exicted" about what he is learning from the dubs. Then again, don't wait too long to "plant some seeds"(TM) because if he begins learning about weak ones who 'drift away,' and/or about DF'd/DA'd ones, he may begin to look upon you with suspicion unless you have been able to give him a little UNtheocratic education beforehand. ;)

Testing Testing... this will be the first time I have typed this phrase in 23 years:

GOOD LUCK! with your friend!
Grits

(Sheesh, in all those years I've never been able to find a "suitable replacement" for that term, and it has always caused me anguish in my gut, even still (guilt?), because I never know what to say in place of merely saying, "Good Luck"! Anybody else have this problem? The only other thing I can think of is: "Much Success!" with your friend!)

Lin

I understand your concern about what could likely happen to you personally. You definitely could/would be df'd if you are found out. But at the same time, you don't want to see him get reeled into the cult. I suggest telling him that you understand his curiosity and wanting to go to a meeting to check it out, but that before he does that or before he allows anyone else to come to his home that he should do some research into the JW's and Ray Franz book is a definite must, and perhaps Barbara Anderson's story, amongst others who have first-hand knowledge of the inner workings of the headquarters and policies and decision makers. I've come to realize that the need to help others may very likely put us directly in the line of fire, and we must decide what is most important to us, possibly being found out or helping protect our friends. WT holds no power over me at all, I wanted to be df'd and have that name removed from me forever.

songmistress

Hi City,

Wow, that is sticky. I recently read Amazing's experience of leaving the JW and helping his family out. He used a series of questions that caused his family to think the issues through for themselves and led them to their own conclusion. Amazing's experiences are off the forum and you can get to them by clicking on the little world thingy (dontcha just love technical jargon, lol) by his name. I think it may be helpful in getting you some tools to work with.

Good luck to you,

Song

City Fan

To all - thanks for the good advice

Been There - I think your right - just answer the questions asked and don't overreact. My gut feeling is that he is just interested in going to a meeting to further his research but the danger is that it could develop into a deeper interest.

I'm off to his house now - once again all thanks for the advice - think I'll be more layed back in my approach now than I would have been. I'll keep you informed to how it goes!

City.

Been there

Good luck City,

If he starts getting toooooooooooo interested point him in the direction of this site or another like it so he can see how the ones that got out feel. You just stumbled upon them, quite by accident don't ya know. He doesn't have to know you frequent here. You know, you just want him to see all sides before he makes the final decision, because you are his friend and you are afeared for his life and happiness, you want him to go into it with his eyes wide open. But...............you don't have to worry, he's just looking, trust your gut.

Edited by - Been There on 8 September 2002 9:41:49

ugg

your ass is grass reguardless of what happens...either way you lose....he becomes a jw and he

will turn on you....he doesn't become interested,,,and the elders get you...."sigh"

imanaliento

please give him the two books by Ray Franz

Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How to help a friend?

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