Flowers

joannadandy

I was fingering the daisies in a bouquet of bright spring flowers. Are flowers appropriate? I mean guys buy girls flowers. Girls dont buy girls flowers. Do they? I was nervous. Id never been in a situation like this before. I had no idea what to say.

Women love flowers. I love flowers, although I have yet to have a man give them to me of his own free will, just because he could, but only after-thoughts and begging got me flowers. Maybe I didnt deserve them? They were so pretty, so I grabbed them quickly along with the largest chocolate bar I could find. She had requested that when I had asked if she wanted me to bring anything.

The grocery store I was at was only a block from her apartment. I parked in the street out front. My head was swimming as I climbed the musty staircase to her apartment. There were still no words. Everything I had planned sounded so stupid. Her apartment was over the local drug store. The building was ugly, but somehow had an old brick charm. I had been to her place several times before, but never under these circumstances, or in this capacity. I took a deep breath and hoped seeing her face would make the words come. I feebly wrapped on the door because there was no buzzer.

She opened the door. Her thin frame looked especially frail. Her dark eyes somehow darker and sunken. This wretched vision of her only dried up what few words I had in me.

I felt tears well up in my eyes
Hey I stammered, How are you?
I could have kicked my own ass.
How was she? It was written on her face, it was etched in her posture, and the despair dripped from her eyes. Wordlessly she stepped back, leaving the door open for me. She glided through the dramatically decorated living room.

At 21 she had managed to have the most chic apartment I had ever seen. She had great taste; I never doubted it. I knew thirty year olds who didnt even decorate as opulently as she did. I always thought she should be a designer. Anything but a daycare/cleaning lady. She worked harder than anyone I knew and I admired her for that. I was damn proud of her. She worked her ass off with no help from anyone. I just wanted better for her. When you are ten years old and dreaming of success for your future, you cant help but dream it for your best friend too.

I followed her through the kitchen, the same kitchen that not three weeks earlier I had stepped into to find a pregnancy test on the table. That night she had called and simply told me to come over. It never occurred to me what she could have wanted to tell me.

The test window had two blue stripes. I could never remember what that meant. I always thought they should flash BABY or blink out a Well you owe God a favor for this one, behave yourself next time
She stood off to the side her arms crossed. She stared at me. I stared at the test, and then her. Well whatever two stripes meant it seemed it couldnt be good. I mean there were two of them. Thats a lot of effort for stripes. It would seem you would need two to signal something. Not to mention the look on her face as she watched me. When you have known someone since you were both in diapers you learn to decipher facial expressions with 97% accuracy.
Holy
Yeah
Sometimes they are wrong
She opened the drawer next to her and pulled out two more tests each with blue stripes a plenty.
I think the old ladies in the pharmacy downstairs are on to me.
Have you told Jason?
NoI cant get a hold of him
What are you going to do?
I...
Well youyou always loved kids, right?
There was a long pause and a forlorn look on her face.
God I want a beer.

We both broke into nervous laughter. Both of us knew what this meant. Her parents would never forgive her. A child out of wedlock was unforgivable. A crime punishable by abandonment. We proceeded to have one of our marathon conversations. Talking until both of our tongues dried out. We had always been good at that. I promised to help in anyway I could, it was feeble, but I meant it. A couple of days later I brought over a congratulations card, filled with vows of moral support for when she told her parents. I was always much better at written communications then face-to-face pep talks.

But today was different, though the emotions behind this event were just as mixed.

She flopped on her narrow bed, picking up a hot water bottle and tucking her legs up into her chest.
I didnt know you could feel so sad she softly mumbled.
Where is Jason?
Fishing.
Does he know?
Yesit actually happened last night. I called my mom and she brought me to the hospital, he was even working. I got one of the nurses to find him. I dont think he even told anyone at work yet, so I am sure they have plenty to gossip about today. He told me I would be fine, and thatd hed be home Sunday and would come see me.
That fucker is out fishing? I couldnt help myself.
I know, but its not like he could do anything anyway
Nobut he should be here!
I sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to jiggle it.
Did he even tell his parents yet?
Nope. He thought he would tell his Dad this weekendnow he wont have to.
I was seething!
Thats not fair! I mean, yeah his parents were very Catholic, of course they were going to be pissed too, but he didnt understand the consequences of her telling her family. There would be no forgiveness from them. Their religion was of a different more demanding breed. Hes a chicken shit, sorry, but hes spared telling them?
I know.

We sat silent. Im not sure how long. Silence has never been uncomfortable for us. I couldnt help but wonder if telling her parents had even brought this on. They had not been kind. I heard a few of the names that her father had called her when she called me sobbing on the phone. These parents that I had considered to be like my own, my second set if you will, were monsters. How they could treat their daughter like this I had no idea. I was furious.

My parents were of the same religious background. I began to fret myself. If these loving people could turn on their own child and claim that they loved God more than her, and that since there was a choice to be made they chose God, what would my family ever do to me? I knew what I was doing was wrong as well. I was dating men. Men outside our faith. Another crime punishable by abandonment. If they ever found out, what names would they call me? Where would I live? Could I repent? Be a good girl and find a good honest religious boy to settle down with? Not bloody likely. I was damaged goods now. No longer a virgin, and no longer interested in prudish little boys pretending to be spiritually wise.

I also blamed the church elders for this loss. Her parents had forced her to talk to them of the evil she had done. She had filled me in on that lovely scene as well. Men she had loved and respected all her life were calling her unrepentant and disgusting. They wept over her because she was such a disappointment to them. They had told her to never speak to the man who was the father. He was not of us. He was only after sex and would never really love her or the baby anyway they cautioned. They told her it was impossible for him to see the baby after it was born, and if need be they could draw up legal documents to keep him away. If she clung to her family and faith, the same faith and family who called her names, caused her to cry, and sink into depression, and forsake the man she loved, all would be well. Sound advice. She and I both raged about what the church had advised. Where did they get off? Had the stress and pressure of that meeting sent her over the edge and made her lose the baby?

A few days after she met with the church elders in that private meeting a childrens book was left on the hood of her car. Sometimes I Hate My Mom and Dad , a little story about a bratty child who didnt realize that his parents were only trying to help him. Attached was a note from a woman in our church. Youre ruining your families life, and all they ever did was love you! How could you do this to them? Again we raged. How dare she! How dare she when this was supposed to be a private matter? The gossip mills were already in full gear. If her parents had only loved her, why had they ceased to speak to her? Why did they call her names? Why had her family abandoned her? This woman had no idea about the secret hurt they had caused. This woman had no idea that the reason she worked two jobs, and 70 hours a week was because her family had never supported her, even before this incident. She was a girl and a constant disappointment to her father. No one knew these stories, but I did.

Thank you for the flowers. They are beautiful, she smiled and squeezed my hand. Jason never bought me anyever! She half snorted, half laughed.
I got ya chocolate too
She smiled, Thank God!

More silence. I was thinking, but not talking. Wasnt this good though? She didnt want or need a baby at this point in her life. She might not even need a baby with this man. He certainly wasnt proving to be one under pressure. It was sad, but wasnt this a dodged bullet? Problem solved, right? Sure she had told her parents, but they could forgive her now. The evidence of her misconduct was now gone. Christianity was about forgiveness wasnt it? They wouldnt have to stop talking to her; they couldnt call her names now. No more threats. Surely they would support her now after everything she had been through, right?

Her soft sob pulled me back to her small girlish and flower-dusted bedroom.
Its not fair!

This was not what I expected to hear. That was my mistake for expecting something when the unexpected strikes.
I was just starting to look forward to ityou knowa baby.

I always knew shed be a great Mom. When we were little she always wanted to play house, and had five baby dolls all lined up and dressed. I on the other hand wanted to play Barbies. I had several Barbies. All stunning, all career oriented, with pink convertibles, ponies, and boyfriends up the butt. She would concede and play Barbies, she has always been so flexible and patient, but the compromise was that her Barbie always got married and had babies. Meanwhile my Barbie partied with three different Ken's. The girl was born to be a Mom. She was phenomenal with kids. She really did love her daycare job.
I had accepted it, and I was going to be a good Mom.
You will be a good Mom.
Its not fair! I was looking forward to it! I wanted it! I finally wanted it, and then

Her sobs cut through the room. She cried for a good half an hour. I just let her cry. I didnt want to talk. I couldnt. I didnt understand. I would never understand. I knew it was a loss, but I would never be able to comprehend this kind of loss.
You know its weird. I want a baby now.

I just listened. Again, no response would come to mind.
I really want to be pregnant. I know I could do it. I need a baby.

Well this was a 180. We were no longer on the same page. She had matured ten years in two weeks. She was ready to be a mother. She wanted it more than she wanted to be a wife. What had been unthinkable and a hardship a few days earlier was now the only thing she craved - Motherhood.

Now the only thing we seemed to share in common was the fact that we each had a strong desire. Her desire would be to have a baby. My desire always had been, and would continue to be for a man to cherish me. A vain search it seemed.

I dont know what I would do without you.
Me? she asked.

I knew it was strange that I be saying these words, but they needed to be said. She was the only one who understood me. The one who put up with my tearful stories of the boys who had treated me badly. Here I was at this darkest moment in her life thinking of myself. I was an awful person. An awful person who didnt understand babies, or motherhood, or miscarriages. I was too fucking selfish and thats all there was to it. My own tears welled up.

Youre the only one who I could call today. My mother drove me home last night and said well I had lots of miscarriages before I had you so it is probably genetic. and that was it! My boyfriend is scared of his parents, and so scared of mine he couldnt even go with me when I told them I was pregnant in the first place! My boyfriend is too scared to be with me now. He told me, I dont handle emotions well, I need to work on that, fat lot of good that does me now! And the elders? Forget it! Like I would ever tell them anything again after the way they looked at me. Youre all I have. Now I ask you, what would I do with out you?

Its just a damn good thing we had each other. We were changed now. We were bad girls in the eyes of our church. Neither of us would ever be forgiven. Two little girls stumbling through life, and we always had to try to make sense of everything. Finding meaning in it all was our constant goal. There will always be flowers, and there will always be friends to share them with. We have each other to talk it out. And when there are no words, we have each other to sit through the silence so we wont have to be alone.

SPAZnik

Flowers were perfect.

Thanks for sharing this bitter-sweet story.

Now you know that, yes, girls can buy girls flowers.
Hell, girls can even buy guys flowers.

Flowers are quite perfect.

SPAZ

ps - the sweetest bouquet i ever received came with a little card that said this:

"fortunate flowers
in your apartment
hour after contended hour
cared for by your achingly beautiful hands."

Flowers can be perfect.

Never be nervous about giving them.
It is the motivation and the timing that counts more than anything.

willdabeerman

all i can say is damn.but it just goes to show you that again the almighty religon that loves you and supports you when ur an active,ass kissing jw drops you like a 20 lb. bag of camel shit when you try to explore things that are not proper in thier tunnel vision one way eyes,and not within the mind controlled world they try to keep you in.i think we all know what the gossip thing is all about and how that hurts.i remember the first time i told my holier than thou jw parents that my wordly fiance was prego. and the hurt that was caused by all the gossip.i feel for your friend and am here telling , that it sucks an awful lot of ass when you are shamed and ignored by who you thought wher your friends and by ur jw parents,i speak of personal expierence, that when your friend finally has that child itll be the best feeling in the world when she looks down into her eyes and realises thats her child.and if her parents are anything like mine , all of a sudden ur still a 2 bit no good p.o.s. but we didnt come over to see you. we came over to see our grandkid.then your friend will have the upper hand. i know im ramblin on and on incoherently....so later.

eyegirl

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((JO))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i had no idea....i knwo it feels like it at times, but you are never alone. you, and any other friends, are always welcomed with open arms at my house. we've gotta be there for each other. for some of us, that's all we've got. love ya girlie.

beck

Shutterbug

Joanna, that stirred my emotions to the point it is extremely difficult to type. The young lady is extremely fortunate to have a friend like you. As far as getting a court order stopping the father from seeing the baby, I'm not sure that is possible, at least getting such an order would be difficult here in Texas.

Eyegirl, I've known you were beautiful since we met in Dallas, now you are at the top of the beauty chart because you offered to take her in. That was a very unselfish act and if we should meet again I'll give you some yellow roses. Bill

songmistress

Joanna,

All I can say at this point is Wow, that is one powerful experience. Thank you for sharing.

Blessings

Cheryl

Flowers

joannadandy

SPAZnik

willdabeerman

eyegirl

Shutterbug

songmistress

gregbetre

Scarlet

Lady Lee

ugg

Share this