Hello,
My name is Cynthia... I have had depression as a child ( Undiagnosed ) father was possibly Bipolar and mother is depressive both undiagnosed.....my journry into the org along with how the depression became a mental breakdown , which I thought was Jehovah removing his spirirt. MY Sruggle with the elders......and the many ways and people I sought help from.....well it is all a long story........
Included in it. JWS I have known with mental health issues.......breakdowns.......PSYCh docs have had discussed this with.......
I would like to relate my story.....I was so ill..nearly catotonic I did not go to a hospital but If I relate how I felt.........it was clear...... how I was afraid of crossing the street because the GREEN light may have been really a RED light and I was told so often by the elders that My thinking was wrong...... ie " they were showing love by isolating me ( a depressed person) because I needed to be active and I was not complying..they said they tried ll that they coudl when in reality it was I always I that reached out to them ( thinking they were chosen of GOD).....
Well..I just gave a sampler....my story is very long...I have been tenatious I read so much ( even before becoming a jw ) about depression and dysfunctional families... I was a teacher did not gte MY MA ..people here know why I am sure....
Well...before I write this story of mine...I would like to ask..if I can do it in intallments........those I relate my story to say I should write a book..........I am not " out of the woods YET".........by the way.......I came to the point that I could not leave my room....
I live in NYC and I was able to speak to Bethel elders including G. Gangus.... I was very sincere......naive idealistic.............I asked qiestions thinking that surly GOD understood ...that my motives were good...
Well......to ask this more clearly..................would it be Ok if I tell my story in intsallments?????
BY the way upon leaving the org....I called all the "apostates" I found On the net.....JUST to HEAR what " evil" people sound like.... and reason like...and my thiniking was so twisted (posychotic break) that because the "apostates" sounded ok.....I thought " OH GOD I M AN APOSTATE Or the devil wants me to think they are not bad people".............. I researched Voraciously.....reading hiusr a day to keep focused an not go totally crazy........and I discover that Paul was also an "apostate" and that words are very important ..
I musy sound as if I am Rambling... I also have had a major harssment on the job while I was undergoing the breakdown for the JWs........so I am a miracle...in that I can write a complete sentence..
I mentioned before having called " apostates" MR Bergman....Tom Cabeen...Randall Watter....Mr FRye .... MR Pendelton and a number of others....before I died ( I thought to myself) I would find out what was going on.......and surely a God of love would have let me know why all this occured what i did to derserve it?? I am relating what was in my head MYreasoning my trying to figure things out logically.........
Again.... Third time sorry about this...would it be ok to post my story in installments...I do believe few people have fought as I have..
and I am very well veresed in psych..... I read even when we were told not to.. I did feel guillt but I found I had to to survive.........
Thank you.........
Cynthia ( cyn)
