I dont think I can take it anymore

by mamashel 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  Jesika

  First I want to say--Mama you know I love you!!!!!!!

  As far as your daughter goes, I know you love her and want the best for her, which at times the best thing is hard to do. I left home at a very young age--15 and came back a short time at 16(after leaving foster care--only a few months I stayed home). I also became pregnant at 17. I wasn't lucky enough to have any family backing. So, I got married and went through very hard times. One thing I can tell you is I learned alot about life and the reality of having to support a family, not to mention how expensive it is to have child. We had to get help from the gov. for a while, and to me it was a very pride swallowing experience.

  Mama, she is wanting to play adult, but still act like a child--going out,leaving you with the child, and be rebellious. If she wants to play adult she has to be given the full treatment. She will see it isn't easy and will see, maybe not now--but later, how easy she had it at home. Let her go. She may suprise you. She may pull it off, or maybe she will see how much of a lack of responsibility the father is showing by not working. This will be good for her and for your family. She needs to learn, as we all do at times--the hard way. As others have stated you have 5 other children and they need your attention, and an environment that is full of bickering and fighting due to someone's lack of repect for the household doesn't benifit anyone.

  Hang in there Mama, it will be ok. I had this road before, it was hard, but I made it through and am very happy for the lessons I learned and the experience I have, and now I am very happy and my son is well taken care of.

  Love,

  Jesika
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  mamashel

  Thanks everyone. I think I need to give her some TOUGH LOVE. She moved her stuff out last night and I really dont know what she is going to do, but I can honestly say I do have peace about it. I think we have really done too much. She needs to except responsibility for her own actions, and the other children need to know there are consiquences for your actions. One of the yonger ones is a 13 year old girl, and she need to have good examples in front of her.

  (((((((((((((((((((jesika)))))))))))))))))))))) I love you too!!!!

  thank you all

  shelley
• 

  Sentinel

  Shelley,

  I really do feel for you and your husband. You have probably done more than lots of parents faced with this situation.

  However, the father is 21. This is your daughter's second child. She has not learned her lesson and does not appreciate all that you have sacrificed for her.

  In my opinion, it would not be cruel to tell her that she must go live with this boy and his mother. It is his responsibilty to care for her and his child. Once in his home, he will find that his mother is not going to sit by and be taken advantage of. She will more than likely make him get a job. Whether or not they marry is irrelivant at this point. They can decide that a bit later when they have matured some. I don't believe that marriage solves anything. In fact, sometimes it makes situations worse.

  Obviously your daughter loves him and he cares about her. This responsibility needs to be shared and distributed. You have already done so much, way and beyond the usual. And look what happened. Another pregnancy. Your daughter is ungrateful.

  She will have to accept responsibility for her own actions. She can blame no one else. It's called "accountability". She has not had to deal with that. Granted, she is young, but she chooses to behave as an adult. With that behavior comes the facts of life in the real world.

  Letting go is going to be hard. She will do without. She will suffer. She will be angry. But, in the long run, she will learn valuable lessons. She will pick herself up and do for herself. She will make this boy take his responsibilities. She will learn to be a mother. There are laws that cover these issues. Like it or not, his mother is going to have to do her share at this point.

  I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. You are going to have to be very strong not to let her work your emotions.

  Be good to yourself. Think of yourself and the needs of your family, yourself, your husband, and your other children.

  Love and Light,

  Sentinel/Karen
• 

  mamashel

  Sentinal -- thank you so much. That is very loving but also real. I am going to have to learn to let go, and let her learn from her mistakes. Thank you again

  mama
• 

  Sentinel

  Mamashel,

  My email is open if you ever need to just "talk". I'm a good listener, and don't judge.

  Karen
• 

  joannadandy

  What a hard position for you to be in...

  And please remember, maybe not in her eyes, she is still really a child.

  Her behavior and attitudes show she is still very much a child. And although it breaks your heart you may just have to let her go on this one. She sounds very headstrong and confident of her ablities to be a parent, maybe she needs a crack at it. If she succeeds you can be proud. If she doesn't, I have feeling you and your husband will both be forgiving enough to help her. In any case she will learn her lesson, which is: parenthood is hard work. I really think you have done all you can. This is her time now to sink or swim. I honestly think with time she will regret what she did to you, and that you were justified in expecting her to follow your rules. She might even begin to understand she's not nearly as mature as she thought....

  Hang in there!
• 

  LB

  mamashel I think you have a handle on this. I'd like to add one thing. I had a son that was a total flake. He was breaking the law and eventually ended up spending time in jail. When a cop was in my living room he said something to me that I'll never forget.

  I was beating myself up for my sons actions. Saying how I had to be the worst parent on the planet to raise such a kid. He looked around and told me to just be quiet and listen to him. He said it appeared I had provided a loving home. That I had two other sons that did great. His experience was that parents took way too much credit when their kids did good, and too much blame when they screwed up. That we had provided with with the tools to understand right from wrong. That he was making choices in his own life, regardless of age.

  The same is true of your daughter. She has made adult decisions with the brain of a kid. She has to own up. Tough love is the answer, just as long as there is still love.

  I eventually showed my son the front door. I told him I loved him with all my heart, but that there was no way we could continue to live as we had lived. He was from that moment going to be on his own. I would be there for him for advice and love but nothing more.

  I wish you all the best on this. Things will work themselves out.
• 

  Hmmm

  This is why, regardless of how busy I get, I keep coming back to this board. Great responses, everyone.

  Hmmm
• 

  AGuest

  Dearest Shelley... peace to you... and may I say:

  LOVE her... and let her go. Let her know you are "there" for her CHILDREN... not to randomly babysit them, as they are her children to look after... or to cloth/feed them (at least, not primarily, but they ARE your grandchildren)... but that they are her responsibility and she is her own responsibility... or the boyfriend's... based on HER own choices.

  Whenever you see her... you, your husband... and your other children... don't yell at her or roll your eyes or let her know just how disappointed/disgusted you may be in her, for that would most unloving and unkind on YOUR part. Rather, just hug her and let her know you love her, IN SPITE of her poor choices and errors in judgment. For who of us don't want to be loved in spite of ours? And who of us are without them? Sure, some more than others... but, what, can you "rate" poor judgment and error if you truly LOVE someone?

  Unlike the 'hateful' teachings of the WTBTS, rather than 'shame' others into doing good, we must LOVE them into it; not conquer good with evil, but evil with good. If, then, you are good to your daughter, in spite of her rebelliousness and poor attitude, she will SEE that good... eventually... in YOUR goods works toward her... and will eventually learn it herself. If not, however, she will only LEARN to perpetuate her poor thinking further, perhaps even to the detriment of your grandchildren, which MIGHT end up in you having to care for them primarily! And the boyfriend will help, trust me. No, you most certainly want to avoid that, yes?!

  It is not your primary responsibility to provide for her... or her children... but it is your SECONDARY responsibility, as they are your flesh. True, you did not choose to have such responsibility at this time, but you CHOSE to have a daughter... and "life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get!" Thus, the "choice" YOU made... has made IT'S choice. Additionally, it is NOT "good" for YOU... to "close the door of your tender compassion" on anyone... particularly on your own flesh for it us YOU who will pay... with heartache worse than what you know now. For you will not be able to be yourself, but what you are allowing another's CHOICE to make you be. It's not worth it, though.

  Yet, if you take PRIMARY responsibility out of her control, do for her and her children what SHE must now do, she will never LEARN it. Now, if she needs you to babysit in order to work or go to school... and you can do it... do it. LOVE...for her and for your grandchildren (whether you 'wanted' them or not)... will let you do it, happily, without complaint. If, however, she wants you to sit so that she... and/or boyfriend... can have a "night out"... uh-uh. No way! That's not your responsibility. THEY chose to do an "act" that resulted in a little person that must be cared for... so it is THEY who must give up their social life and provide such care. You're not being "mean" (which might be tried, but don't let them "handle" you with that melarkey), but it's the result of their CHOICE. Tell them that.

  You and your husband are the ones who must now TRULY be mature. To argue, scream, curse, lose your temper, etc... what benefit it there in it? What benefit was there? Nothing. What happened... has happened. Twice. Ah, well. NOW... you must "see" how to handle the matter so that YOU are not the 'victim'... but the 'teacher'... the ADULT... the parent. She is again a parent and now must learn HOW to be one... even in the most trying of times... from you!

  Again, I bid you peace,

  Your servant and a slave of Christ,

  SJ
• 

  Beck_Melbourne

  Mamashel

  Hi again, and sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now with your daughter.

  I believe you are in a very difficult situation....and there are so many things to consider, such as the other kids in the house, the child she already has, your husbands views etc, and also the boyfriend and his parents.

  The yelling and fights that you two are having, is because your daughter is fighting for her independence. Now that she is a mother, she sees herself as a grown up, not a teenager. She is acting rebellious because she is trying to force you and your hubby to accept that she wants to make her own choices in life now...I do not think it is because she is trying to hurt you. She sounds like an angry young woman. It could be that she is frustrated with the boundaries you and your hubby have enforced, and being a parent myself, I am not against setting boundaries for children btw....however, with her having a child already, a part of her has been forced to grow up, and with this grown up opinion of herself, she could be resenting your restrictions on her. She doesn't want to be told what to do, and she doesn't want to be told who she can or cannot date. This is normal behaviour for her age group. How you react to her behaviour is what will make the difference between war and peace in the home

  You said that your husband doesn't like the 21 yr old. Unfortunately, this young man is going to be in your life from now on, as he is the father to one of your grandsons. The young man may decide that he wants to have an active role in your grandson's life. If this is the case, your husband is going to have to accept the young man in his life, or deny himself a healthy relationship with your daughter and grandsons. The fact that they slept together under your roof is no longer the main concern, the baby coming is the main concern, AS WELL AS the first son she has. It would be better for everyone if you and hubby were to find a way to sit calmly to talk to the young man and your daughter, and find out whether they just want to date, or whether they want to try and build a life together. Forcing her to leave home will only force her to either marry him or live with him....this isn't necessarily the best thing for your daughter, the baby, or the other child your daughter already has.

  I think she needs you, and although she is making choices that are not what you or hubby want, she still needs you.

  Just my thoughts Shelley.

  Beck