I guess I was a lucky one. Lucky that I wasn't beaten or molested. Lucky that i was loved. But as I read the stories of others I see words that fit my experience used over and over.
In 1969, when I was 5 years old my Great-Grandmother began studying with the JW's. Not wanting her family to perish in 1975 when the "old system of things" was wiped out, she did as she thought she should and called her family to join her.
My Grandmother and Mother were the first to join her since the men of the family were working while the studies were happening. It didn't take long for my Grandfather and Father to join in as well. How could they not ? Noone wants to die when they can live forever right ?
At 5 years old all I wanted to do was please my parents and since they were all new and eager in the JW's that was one way of pleasing them. I refused to participate in the flag salute and holiday celebrations at school, studied my watchtower and was the first in line to speak at the KH and head out door to door. Cute little kid in a suit, preaching the organizational line and sounding more like an adult than a kid.
I think, looking back, that is what I missed. I missed being a "kid". Being a JW kid was all business. It was study, study, study...or DIE. It was meetings and field service...or DIE. It was participate, give talks, take on responsibility...or DIE. It was all so very serious.
As time passed my Grandfather became a MS and my Father an Elder. I was given more and more responsibility, even at a very young age, and was being groomed for bigger things. I was baptised at 12 or 13 (hard to remember all these years later) and was used to study with the kids my age. I was used as an example and given still more responsibility.
During my bible studies some of the kids would ask questions and there my problems began. I thought, stupidly, that I had a responsibility to answer their questions and began to try to research the answers. The problem that I found though was that the scriptural answer didn't always match the organizational answer. How could this be ? I was told that I should not read the scriptures too much, they were beyond my understanding, I was treading on very dangerous ground and should trust the GB and rely on WBTS publications for the correct interpretation.
The situation snowballed from there...one contradictory answer led to another and another and another. I started to see things going on that I had somehow clouded over. Elders making shady business deals, wrongdoing that was overlooked or given such mild punishment that it was a joke. Backbiting, gossip, lying...how was this the "truth". Doubt led to more doubt and a slow realization that I had been deceived along with my whole family and then it hit me.
I would be alone.
I had no other family...It had been 14 years since I had associated with any family that were not in the JW's.
I had very few friends outside the JW's, a few school classmates but those were pretty closely watched.
Alone, what a terrible feeling. I knew that I either led a double, hypocritical life or I lost everything. From a leader, respected by my peers and elders alike to an outcast without even my family for support. So I tried to keep up appearances for a time.
Slowly I tried to fade away but having been SOOO visable and involved it was difficult and raised suspicion. I would disappear and they would find me, always trying to get me back in. As time passed my Grandmother died of Cancer and my Grandfather was told they could not be together in the "New System" and he became bitter and inactive.
In the end I met a wonderful woman (non JW) and knew that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and my faith. I never doubted God or my faith in Him but the twisted words of an organization had left their mark. I wrote my letter of Disassociation.
It didn't take long for the phone to ring, the elders wanted to talk. Two men that I had known for years were telling me to take back the letter. "But", I told them, "I don't believe anymore." Their reply simply verified that I was doing the right thing. They told me to take my letter back anyway, even if I didn't believe because it would be easier on my family. So I should NOT read scripture, should blindly follow the GB and live a double life filled with lies...because it was easier.
I threw them out of my house. A few days later there were tearfull goodbyes with my parents and other jw family members before the big announcement was made at the KH. My father was removed as an Elder and he and my mother began to have less and less contact with the JW's. My mothers health failed and the KH set up a phone line to allow them to listen in on the meetings.
A year or so later my Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and my girlfriend and I were planning our wedding. We sent an invitation to my family and they declined only to surprise us a few months later with a phone call. There had been "NEW LIGHT" and they could communicate with me now as long as we stayed away from "spritiual issues", like I wanted to talk about that anyway.
They attended our wedding but sat in the back of the church and for the last 12 years they have shared in my life and in the lives of my wife and young son. And then it happened again....
There was yet another flash of "NEW LIGHT" in the August 2002 KM and they were once again told that they can not associate with me. How do I explain this to my wife and child. My parents are no longer "Rabid JW's"...they only attend meetings via phone, do not go door to door or attend assemblies...and yet they still are held by the power of the JW's and have again shunned me.
The first time I sort of understood, it hurt but I knew how strongly they believed. But this time I am just angry. My mother told me in our last conversation a few weeks ago that if they changed their position now they would lose everything....EVERYTHING ? A few meetings a week over the phone ? A visit a few times a year when the field service teams need a place to go to the bathroom ?
To me family is everything and they just lost a son, a daughter in law and a 4 year old grandson. How very sad that a few men in Bethel can so toatally control the minds of people who need something to believe in. How sad that families are torn apart, abuse is covered up and history is simply re-written when the "light" flashes. Show me where this is scriptural.
Today I am bitter with the JW's but I am free. Free and living happily with my wonderful wife of 12 years and our 4 yo son who is truly a blessing. We have our faith in GOD intact and I serve as an Ordained Minister and thanks to research and friendships on boards like this we now know...."The Truth".
I continue to hope for the next flash of "New Light" that will release the hold on my family and allow them to call or stop by and say hello. MY door is always open.
Randy W.