Yes, as a JW I definitely felt I was going crazy.
I had outgrown the religion that was chosen for me by the time
I was nine years old. Within that box called the Kingdom Hall
my spirit grew in upon itself, twisting over and over to the point of breaking.
I was suffocating, but it took another twelve years for me to reach the point where I began to feel I was going crazy.
I knew I had to do something.
So one day I redecorated my bedroom.
I hung some new curtains, then shut them to the world.
I sat in the dark for hours, planning my escape.
I finally decided to kill myself.
The pain would be gone, and with it my culpability.
In bringing about my own death my sin of self murder would be wiped out by . . . my own death.
I couldnt lose.
Was that craziness or extreme desperation?
I now know that I wasnt going crazy.
I was just surrounded by crazy makers.
Even though I had no say in the whole
JW business as a child, as an adult I
get to make my own choices, and reap
the benefits/consequences.
No more pre-packaged opinions for me,
which, I have to admit, still feels rather strange at times.
I was stifled, but I had also become used to
never having to figure out where I personally
stood on certain issues. Any doubt about what
opinion to have? No problem, just find out
what the GB has to say about it. Stop the thought.
Replace it with "the society's" directives.
Now that's crazy
Did The Organization MAKE YOU GO NUTS???
by minimus 14 Replies latest jw friends
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nilfun
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Jesus Christ
Quite a bit of my time today was spent going through old stuff. Old pictures, high school year books, letters from friends, that sort of thing. I really can say that my life, growing up, would have been much much much better had I not been a JW. When I was 16 I almost killed myself because I thought I was a burden and let down to my family, friends, and even god himself because of a judicial meeting. The only thing that pulled me through was knowing my non-JW girlfriend would have been devestated. In a sad way, its almost funny. A group that claims to be the only way to life nearly kills me and the only thing that keeps me around is the very thing that the JW's claim will kill me. I also spent a lot of my time back in school doing everything I could not to fit in. Why? Because all those kids were worldly and would just bring me down. If I could make myself so undesirable that they wouldn't want to hang around me I wouldn't have to go through with explaining why I didn't want to be around them. All I really did is turn off a bunch of really great people who I only wish I knew now. I even used to have panic attacks with halucinations and everything because of all the constant pressure from being a JW. The entire weight of the world is my shoulders. I must go convert more people because if I don't and they die at armagedon their blood will be on my hands. All the while I can't figure out why things that feel so good, natural, and right can possibly be wrong. In the 3+ years I've been out of the JW's I haven't had one single panic attack. What's weird is I used to cough all the time. Doctors thought it was asthma and I had to use multiple inhalers to lessen them (though by no means get rid of them). I still do need an inhaler for when I'm doing something athletic but other than that I never touch them, especially the preventive inhalers and cough much less. I've read that sometimes coughing all the time can be caused by stress. I don't have the pressure from JW's and I hardly cough at all anymore unless I'm sick or doing something very active.
Yes, they did make me crazy and I hate them for it. I absolutely hate them.
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ugg
i completely broke mentally due to the religion..i am trying real hard
to recover...if not for worldily people i would have died...i don't
know if i will ever be myself again...my therapist said,,they can only
hurt you if you allow them to..i wish i was tougher..i got snubbed yesterday,,it hurt...i am still bothered by it...there
really is no excaping them... -
minimus
ugg, i hope you keep going to your therapist. you'll be o.k Just don't let 'em get to ya!
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bay64me
YES!