Why we dont tell(apologies for this veeery long post).
I cant even express how much I am behind silentlambs right now though I may be overly concerned by the latest letter sent out Im sure BB knows what hes doing and all will become clear, and even if its a mistake then we have to allow for mistakes as long as they dont cost lives like WT mistakes do. BB is only a man and hed be the first to admit that.
I know the majority of people on this board totally understand why an abused child doesnt tell they have been abused straight away, as far as I know there has only been one buff here that suggested all abused people should speak out straight away or NOT expect help later simply because someone touched them! Like all of you I switched off to this JW clown but began wondering how many more people or Jdubs are taking such a pathetic outlook (very few I guess).
Sometimes an abused person carries the secret of the abuse into adult years, take for instance Pats recent accusation of TJs 40 year old crime, as far as I am aware its only been in the last year or so that she has spoken up? The length of time that elapses from the crime to the confession is irrelevant; even if it was 50/60 years ago the abuser is still as guilty of being a paedophile as he/she ever was. The longer the time passes the more courage is needed for the abused to open up and confront the abuser, she deserves applause as it seems to me that TJ would know full well if she spoke out she wouldnt be believed because he had built up a good reputation.
For what its worth: as a male who was sexually abused for at least 4 years (from age 7-) I would like to give my experience and why it leaves us not able to tell, I was not abused by a JW but I think the issues are exactly the same, and perhaps other males here harbour the same secrets.
...As children we dont even know what sexual abuse is, some guy (in my case it was my uncle) overpowers us in secret places and does things to us that we have never felt or experienced before, as traumatic as that turns out to be we dont know whats happening to us. What do the words sexual abuse mean to a young child? I didnt know what sex meant and abuse was just an unusual word with no meaning. As males we dont know that we are being abused we just know that something very wrong is happening. We are told by a perverse adult that what is happening is ok hes merely touching us and we are forced into merely touching him but its a secret, then we are manipulated into believing that secrets cant be told or real bad things will happen to us and if we tell mommy and daddy then they will be very upset and hurt by us. In a tiny mind the issue becomes the secret just as much as the abuse. The paedophile knows how to silence an innocent child, and silenced we are. However, the paedophile only silences us verbally, our behaviour speaks loud, at age seven I wrote Death all over my bedroom walls in big black letters, that was the product of what was going on in my mind, I thought I was going to die because I had a secret that I might accidentally let out. To think of death is a natural thing for an abused child since we often play dead during the abuse too, i did. I ran away from home a number of times before I was 9 years old and had police scouring the towns after me, these are the minor things I did, I became totally unruly and almost gave both my parents a nervous breakdown, it wouldnt have been as destructive to them just to go and blag out the secret but I didnt realise that then. Unfortunately no one ever picked up on the signs, there wasnt as much awareness in those days as now. Because of silentlambs I have recently been confronting past issues and have read a list of possible signs to look for when a child is being abused, even I was shocked to see how I fitted almost all of them, even down to wearing 2 pairs of trousers on a daily basis. An abuser doesnt only touch us physically he also touches us mentally, and that brings fear, and fear paralyses us into silence for a number of years after the abuse, so thats why we dont tell. I attempted suicide at the age of 12 and was found unconscious by my mother, she saved my life, seeing her totally distressed face when I came through made me realise how I was hurting other people because of something that had happened to me, so I determined to put this sexual and mental abuser out of my mind and start afresh, this led to suppression throughout all the teenage years, plus, by the time you reach 12 it becomes totally embarrassing to tell someone that a male had forced sexual acts with me another male even though I had been a male child! This leads to more silent years of not telling so not telling led into adult years.
Suppression by no means meant that I forgot what had happened, I have never forgotten and do not have repressed memories, they are as clear today as ever. I simply chose not to think about things or confront them at that time in my life, to be honest I couldnt confront them anyway, I was a coward and had probably been made a coward by my abuser.
During my last few teenage years and up until I was 27 I was totally active as a JW and believed that Armageddon was the answer to everything so I didnt feel I had to confront the past but instead I had to put the past behind and press on with everlasting life in view. More years of not telling BTW I had began studying from the age of 7, pretty confusing year to say the least.
Leaving the WT meant that I lost my JW family, since my abuser was my uncle from my none JW family the consequences of letting the secret out now would be to lose the other side of my family, all who are his sisters and brothers. I almost picked up the courage to come out with it all about 5 years ago when I found myself finally having to deal with the past but then my cousin was brutally murdered and this caused my family tremendous grief, especially my aunt (whose daughter was murdered at that time), how could I then come out and say to a grieving family Your brother is a paedophile. So no telling again.
My father is terminally ill and I would find it terribly difficult to come out and say to him that his brother was a paedophile, imagine the guilt that my parents would have for not recognising the signs. I now feel guilty for not telling all those years ago, I start thinking to myself just how much guilt can a person carry through life.
I have 2 young sons age 5&6 and the most important things in their lives apart from us parents are probably buzz lightyear and what sweet they will have after dinner tomorrow! They are a picture of innocence. I pray to God that those will still be the important things to them over the next few years. It still guts me to think that our childhoods were spent thinking about sex and adult things and fearing everything, life is confusing enough without all the stress beginning at such an early age. No man or woman has the right to take away the innocence of childhood and then to leave us unable to tell for the rest of our lives, that is the epitome of evil, I momentarily get angry and still occasionally find myself pondering these things late of a night when everyone is asleep. However God has blessed me with a beautiful wife and family so most of my thoughts now are positive and life is probably the best it has ever been.
A couple of months ago my wife and mother were discussing my childhood and mom was telling her of my case study and the rebellion, because my wife is a teacher she has studied child psychology and emmediatly recognised the signs..later she asked me if I was sexually abused as a child (Guilt! I hadnt told her), to which I responded "look if something like that had happened it would be best to leave me to tell you in my own time"...still not telling! I physically shook when asked this question, sounds crazy now that I am in my late 30's but it shows just how "not telling" someone leaves us in a bigger hole sometimes.
Whether we agree with Bill B or not we must applaud him for giving the platform to silent lambs now while they are still young, and for making people aware of the signs to look for in an abused child. Whether we agree or not with his politics or views ( and I dont endorse them all, though I have met him and think he is a great guy) there can be nothing but appreciation that through his efforts even one child could speak now rather than go through life not being able to tell because of the fear of elders reprimanding them for gossip, its hard enough to tell anyway without this disgusting additional pressure! It sends chills.
My heart goes out to Pat Gaza, its easier to recognise a victim of child abuse when you have been one yourself. "Its a powerful thing to be believed" said one mother in Panorama, its a simple statement that perhaps was one of the most powerful lines I heard, its a resounding echo.
Sorry for this unusual post, I'll probably think I'm wrong for "telling" even now
Brummie