Divorce?

outtahere

I have a complex situation that I would like some help with....

Married, two kids. My husband and I have had our problems. Married young and all. We separated at one point. We got back together and started over. The kids were devestated when we split up; ecstatic when we got back together. I love my husband very much, but he has recently betrayed my trust. On top of that he has said some very hurtful things and has distanced himself from me and the children. I know he is not happy. There have been alot of changes in his life recently and he tells me he is confused. So here is the question...

Do I throw in the towel and call it quits after 16 years or do I give it some time and see where it goes?

mamashel

First of all let me say welcome outtahere. Cute name.

No one can really tell you what to do in your own situation, but 16 years is alot of time together to just throw in the towel. Are you both active jw's, or what is your situation with the org?

I was in the very same situation a few years back. He betrayed my trust also, and then i caught myself paying him back, if you know what i mean. We were seperated at the time, and kind of in and out of meetings. We decided to get back together, mostly for the sake of the kids,(we have 6. So we figured we need to do the right thing by going back to the hall, well needless to say, big mistake. I figured out what the problem was, i hated him as a witness. So after constant fighting and arguing in front of the kids, going to the elders, having a study, etc, etc, we decided to move and leave the kingdom hall.

To be quite honest with you, it was not an easy choice at the time, and we have been through some VERY hard times since, but after seperating for about 5 months off and on, we have managed to overcome the obsticles that have come our way. He is a TOTALY different person outside of being a jw, and I think he maybe even likes hiself. I cant tell you that it is easy to forget the past, and just simply move on, these things take time and love. My husband and I neither one were happy for the first 6 years of our marriage, but we are learning how to talk things out, and live together in harmony with each other. Every day has a new challenge that it brings, and you have to learn how to face it together. But the biggest thing you have to learn for yourself, it to be happy with yourself, with him or without him. That was my biggest lesson, because i just thought i would die without him. So I had to convince myself to forgive the past, take one day at a time, and just go from there.

BTW, 4 years later, we are still together, and i can honestly say, happier than we have ever been. Gettin ready to celebrate our 10 yr anniversary.

I wish you well in your decision.

mamashel

jgnat

People who say they are confused know what they want, they are just afraid to do it. This makes me think your hubby has already made a decision, and is just putting off putting it in to action. Encourage him to have a heart-to-heart with you. Divorce can be initiated by either partner, so regardless of what you want to shoot for, your decision might be taken out of your hands.

Apart from your husband, this might be a good time to do some soul searching of your own, and to make some decisions on how you would like your marriage to be (if you want it to work), or how you want your separation to go (if the marriage ends). In either case, your children needs lots of reassurance and love from you both right now. Their little nest has been rocked. Remind your hubby of that.

SPAZnik

What do YOU think you should do?

Heard any "whispers" you've ignored?

Pepper

I am man,I was married for twenty two years to woman who was a JW and was the rainbow of my life. We had our distrust of each other and some of it really hurt, but as I look back at what our divorce has done to my daughters if I could go back in time I would have stayed togather just so I could see happiness on my childrens faces cause that's what makes being a parent woth all the pain. I agree with the bible's saying what God says "I hate a divorceing" cause unless there really is no other way it only brings pain, familys should stay togather, that's our gift to our children because they take it with them long after we are gone they contine to give it to their children. (Just one mans thoughts.) Pepper

Lost Diamond

I was very unhappy when I was married for 11 yrs. to my Ex. We have two children together, and we've been divorced for about 3 yrs. There was no way I could have stayed married to him and wear a plastic smile on my face while continuing to be emotionally abused! This was rubbing off on the kids, plus they didn't deserve a mother that is "half" way there. The example their father was teaching them was horrible! Children pick up on people's moods very easily and the bad energy around them as well.

My children see both of us on a regular basis, and I think this has made a wolrd of difference. I never bad mouth their father (although I think he doesn't give me the same respect back...he's still a JW). They are happy kids and are doing very good in school. The teachers keep me up to date on this and they tell me my kids are kind, always smiling and eager to learn. So far I have not noticed any tramatic change in their character.

Divorce was very painful, but it would have been a lot more painful if I would have stayed. I am a much happier person now, and I really believe I am a better person and more available as a mother for my kids. Home should be a haven, full of peace and joy. This is what I want to give my children.

Edited by - Lost Diamond on 17 October 2002 9:52:47

Edited by - Lost Diamond on 17 October 2002 9:53:47

reubenfine

Welcome to the board! My take, from experience and from 46 years of observation, is if someone cheats on you, it's over, period. If someone could do that to you, they don't love you. They are selfish and have committed the ultimate lie. I believe you love what you thought he was. When you accept what he is, a lying, self-centered, devious person, how can you love that? How could he love his kids and do something like that? He loves himself and that's it. Your kids will not be better off living with a lying deviant.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I would just rather not beat around the bush. Life is too short to put up with that bs. You deserve better. Every day of your life is precious. Don't waste even one. I feel your pain and wish you all the best.

Lyle

Edited by - reubenfine on 17 October 2002 13:44:54

bikerchic

So true reubenfine! Life is too short and teaching your children that cheaters can still have it all is just wrong.......they deserve better and so do you!

bc

Kingpawn

Married, two kids. My husband and I have had our problems. Married young and all. We separated at one point. We got back together and started over. The kids were devestated when we split up; ecstatic when we got back together. I love my husband very much, but he has recently betrayed my trust. On top of that he has said some very hurtful things and has distanced himself from me and the children. I know he is not happy. There have been alot of changes in his life recently and he tells me he is confused.

Actually there's not enough info here for real counsel (advice I won't give, because as I've said elsewhere, it's too easy for people who don't have to suffer the consequences of bad advice to hand it out). It's something I do too--know a situation so intimately that I forget others don't when I write about it. I'd be interested in knowing:

At what age, for how long, and why did you first separate?
Why is he not happy?
What changes have gone on in his life?
Has he said what he's confused about?
Ages of you and him.

I sense he might be in his forties. If so it could be a midlife crisis. We guys reach a point where we look back on "the road(s) not taken"--the chances we didn't take, the unchosen career paths, the people we could have married--what might have been. Logically it's a waste of time and energy, but that doesn't mean we won't do it. And guys can react in nonsensical ways--buying a sports car, chasing younger women, doing something dangerous. I've seen it in women too--maybe she flirts a lot or wears skimpy outfits because she isn't handling being 40+ well.

Changes may not be so much him as his job. Even a promotion can be a source of stress ("Can I really do what the company expects of me?"). His workplace may be going through changes--being bought out--underlings may be seen as "sharks in the water" or he may feel threatened by advancing technology and the pace of change.

I'm more than willing to act as a sounding board for things--and being 45, married, and going through a disintegrating marriage myself can easily identify with what he may be feeling--but advice, telling you what you should do? Uh uh. I keep in mind the people who asked what business the late Ann Landers had giving marital advice when she got divorced, and I think they were right to ask.

garybuss

and see where it goes

And see where what goes? Sounds like you are on a bus.:-)

Marriage is for the tax free transfer of property and for the care of the minor children. It is a business partnership. Happiness and fulfillment are separate issues. Friendship is a separate issue. Sex is a separate issue. Marriages don't go places, they function. People change but they function.

I am against modern marriage but am totally against divorce unless there is criminal behavior, addiction, or neglect.

In my experience the best marriages are those with extreme adversities and/or serious illnesses. Often the worst thing that can happen to a marriage is good health and prosperity.

If they are not experiencing any abuse or financial neglect or addictions, I advise anyone thinking they are having marriage problems to get into personal counseling alone for at least one year before they ever consider looking at the marriage or their partner. Then I suggest both principles go to counseling together as advised by the counselor. Next the whole family needs to be in family counseling.

And the minor children get a vote on any decisions that affect the family (them).

gb

Divorce?

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