Things have been going great for me as of late. I should've known - should've been wary. Good things don't happen to me without a price.
Today is Thanksgiving. I got an email from my husband, Lloyd. As I read it my chest went raw and I could feel a cold wind sucking though it. He says that now that I have a job and am doing well, it's time to see other people. That he still cares for me and will be there no matter what, but it's time to move on.
We had a long talk on the phone - too many details to go into here. He cried - I cried. He said he was holding me back. I said it was all about him. He's going through some kind of middle aged crazy. He said, maybe so. After we split, he said it would be a temporary separation. Five years later, he needs to know if there's someone else out there. I told him good luck in finding a low maintenance female - one without moods and who will eagerly put up with his obsessive computer useage. (I'd learned to be interested in his computer time) He said I was probably right. The sex is the best in the world, for him too he says, but we're not having it anymore.
Nothing makes sense, and yet so much does. I have the strongest urge to cut and I'm not concerned with holding that in. I'm numb. I love this man. Yet he allowed his xbitch to cause so much horror in our marriage that 'I' was the one who had to go. And now the space caused from living apart has cemented the divide. No talk of divorce yet. Hey, one blow at a time eh?
I don't want to go sleeping around, looking around. I'm not interested. Why is life one step forward and three steps back? I lose everyone I love. Why on earth would I put myself through this again. How could I ever trust anyone again. How.
Every day is just another set up for a knock down. I am not suicidal. I am distructive. Self-distructive. I don't care ... yes I do.
It hurts. It hurts way too much. When is it going to stop hurting. when. When is the graveyard that is my heart going to stop having funerals.
sorry... just had to vent in some way. dunno if i made any sense. don't know if i even want to make sense right now. it's a wordless pain... no describing it. only wounds and blood and scars.
salem