parental advice needed.......

by scootergirl 35 Replies latest jw friends

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  scootergirl

  I have a son who is in th 4th grade. He is a "bigger boy"......his father is 6'2" and I am 5'10". James is very tall for his age and is also slightly overweight. He is built just as his dad was who was overweight in elemetary school but in his teens shot up to be very tall and weight proportionate.

  The problem is that kids tease my son about being overweight and being bigger than the other kids. James is a very sensitive child and I have noticed that his behavior has changed lately..........crying easily, throwing tantrums. You know, signs to a parent that something isn't right.

  We just had an "episode" which ended in us having a heart to heart talk. Come to find out, he is being teased again in school and doens't know what to do. We have brainstormed in the past for solutions. Everything to ignoring kids, not playing with them, calling them names back.......you name it, we have discussed it.

  We talked about who his "real" friends are and how they treat him. I tried to point out all the positives about him.....boost his self esteem. My heart went out to this boy as he laid in his bed sobbing. I don't know what to do.....I don't know what to say. Part of me wants to go into that school yard and scare the living shit out of those bullies so that they leave him alone-but that isn't the solution too. My ex is aware of the situation and talked to James about what it was like when he was growing up and how his body changed. How his height caught up w/his weight.

  It just breaks my heart......I don't know what to do. Kids can be so mean and cruel. Any parents here ever have to go thru this? What did you say? What did you do?
• 

  Valis

  aw scoot! Please tell J I said to stick it out and that I'm thinking of him. First, have you consulted his pediatrician about reasons he may be overweight? I know the way you cook woman and it may be that he needs a dietary change, which is not a big deal, just something that can be done on your end. As well, it may be that he needs to get involved in a sport that will take some of that chubb off. I know he's always running around the woods, but a more regimened activity might be in order. On the other hand, maybe he just needs to beat the tar out of a couple of them and all that will come to a swift conclusion..eheh I know not very nice to say and not really good to promote hatefulness, but if he feels no respect from the people taunting him then they are asking for it. Anyway, if he feels he would like to talk to me about it you know my phone number and he can call me anytime.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer of the "Misses The Seeing Eyeboy" class
• 

  Shakita

  scootergirl:

  I feel so sorry for your son. This is just advice from a Mom, not a professional. I suggest you go to the very top. See the principal of the school. Bullying should not be tolerated. I know in the schools in our area, if a kid is found to be a bully, strict punishments are inforced, and family is notified. They don't mess around with bullying other kids, not since the violence in schools in the past years.

  I hope you find the help you need. All the best to your son.

  Mrs. Shakita
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  larc

  Scootergirl, I don't know the answer. It appears like you have said about everything you can. Like Valis, I think if he gave one kid a bloody nose, that probably would be the end of it, but, of course, that's a guy thing and not necessarily the answer. Perhaps, your son could take some martial arts classes or boxing lessons. That would tone him up, give him confidence, and prepare him if the bullies get physical. I have one question. Does your son have a few friends, or are all the kids against him? If he does have some friends, perhaps you could invite them to your house for a session pizza, tv, etc. This could keep his social life going in a safe place. Well, those are some thoughts, don't know if they help or not.
• 

  scootergirl

  Travis........I know that James holds a special place in your heart. You two bonded very fast. How about he just brings his "big bad dredlock friend" to recess? Think you can "talk" to the boys for us? LOL

  And, yes, my cooking.......I have been trying to think about what I as a parent can do. I do love to cook, but I think that I cook "healthy" meals. I have noticed an attitude of "if a little is good, more is better" mentality with James. So we have been working on "moderation".

  We tried sports.......baseball didn't work. He loves four-wheeling, dirt bikes and snowmobiles. I am going to talk to his dad about getting him involved in basketball this year. Something........

  I will relay the invitation to call you to James. Thanks, Travis........
• 

  rwagoner

  Scoot,

  While not the same issue I can relate. I grew up with an orthopedic disability that made me the shortest kid and gave me a silly walk. (I now use a wheelchair so that cleared up the walking issue !).

  Most kids and adults were okay but there were always a few that liked to target the kid who was different. I always used (still do) humor to deal with it. Use being do short to my advantage and laugh at things I could do because I could get in small places. Once I made it a non-issue to me they could see that they were not going to "get to me". Now that sure didn't mean that it didn't hurt, it did. I hated feeling different and sort of freakish but in my case there was nothing I could do to change it so I had to just deal with it. I think now as an adult I am much more confident and secure with myself as a result of the teasing...I had to learn to accept myself even if others could...or would not.

  Maybe he can be the "protector"...I used "shrek" as an example with a big kid at my son's school. Differen but a good guy, a hero...and he gets the girl too. Teasing is such a hard think when you're different and kids can be downight vicious sometime.

  Wish I could help more but thats my story at least.

  RandyW
• 

  JeffT

  We went through this with our youngest. He was small and shy and got pushed around a lot by the other kids. Two things brought about a big change. We moved from an affluent suburb to a small town (this sort of thing may not be an option for you) and on the advice of one of my wife's friends, we enrolled him in Tae Kwan Do. The martial arts class did wonders for him. In this area there are a number of affliated schools working under an umbrella organization that strongly encourages good sportsmenship and the spiritual aspects of the sport. If you are interested e-mail me and I will see if I can find information on a similar program in your area. The son is now 17 and going to college. He's a very happy, healthy and self-confident young man.
• 

  scootergirl

  larc wrote:

  Perhaps, your son could take some martial arts classes

  hmmmmm.........I never thought of this as a "sport" for him. Actually, he may really enjoy that.

  Yes, he does have quite a few close friends. These boys are great too. His birthday is coming up and I suggested that he only invite the boys that are his "close" friends. We tried to focus on the "positive" today.....

  I get so pissed as a parent. I know it is just because I am frustrated.......

  Shakita wrote:

  I suggest you go to the very top. See the principal of the school.

  This irritates me too. The place where this is happening is the playground. I told James, it is a big playground, walk away and surround yourself with your friends. Here is the problem, they go and play in the dirt with their hot wheels, the "bully" comes over and wants to play. They tell him no, and he goes and tells the playground monitor that the boys won't play with him. The monitor then tells James and his buddies to let this other kid play. They tell the monitor of the bullying and the boy gets a verbal reprimand! Then it happens the next day.........all over again.

  It feels like if there isn't a bruise or some physical evidence of bullying, that it really doens't matter. AARRGGHHH......
• 

  Mulan

  Hey scootergirl, let me tell you our experience. I think it will help.

  Our youngest son, now 23, was always different. He didn't have a weight problem, but he was just less mature than the other kids (probably because he was the youngest of 4 and the other 3 were 10, 13 and 16 years older), and he was also very smart, which caused other kinds of problems. On the playground, he would play with imaginary friends, and cardboard action figures he had made himself, mainly because he had no friends at school. He was picked on terribly by kids from about 3rd grade on, who said he played with dolls and talked to himself. We tried, in vain, to get the school to help us, but they always said he needed to toughen up. He is extremely sensitive and shy and empathetic to everyone. That made me furious. There was nothing wrong with him. Why did he have to change, to adapt to the bullies? The stories about the "dolls" followed him through grade school, Middle School, and into High School too.

  He had become suicidal and said if life was always going to be like this, he didn't want to live anymore. We got him into counseling, with a highly recommended elderly Japanese family counselor, who got to the nitty gritty right away.....................it turned him around. (long story, but our second son, 13 years older than Dan, had gotten df'd, into drugs, and taken off when Dan was 4, and it tore up our family..............he determined, from that point on, to be the perfect son.........and he was too) That son is now 36, married, 3 kids, successful...............also an ex JW!!

  Anyway, in High School, he had 2 wonderful teachers who put a stop to the bullying. One was his Drama teacher, who was wonderful at building self esteem in the students. He kept Dan in Drama all through school, and those kids were so supportive of him, and his talents that he exuded self esteem from his Sophomore year on. The other teacher was his Freshman English teacher, who partnered him with a boy who had been a missionary kid in Africa, and had come back to the States for awhile. He ended up being his best friend all through school, and was his best man at his wedding last year. These teachers called me, both of them in one day, to tell me about a very serious incident, and we as parents, were the ones to alert the school. Dan had felt close to these teachers, and they had gotten him to talk one day, when they knew he was troubled.

  One tough "jock" had extorted money from Dan when he was a Sophomore, and that is a felony. I called the Principal and the police and the bully was expelled and was banned from playing football, and he was a senior football star. We were afraid it would backfire on our son, and everyone would hate him for turning in this star kid, but it didn't work that way. They all admired him because they realized this kid was a jerk.

  My point is...............now 8 years later, the laws have changed. When Dan was in school, there was really nothing the school authorities could do to stop these bullies. What is happening to your son is the school's responsibility to stop. Go get them!! Talk to the school counselor and tell them in no uncertain terms that you want it to stop immediately, or else.

  Edited by - mulan on 17 October 2002 12:16:33
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  mamashel

  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Scooter))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  I am so sorry. I have a 7 yr old the same way. He is slightly overweight, and sometimes kids can be so mean. He's the only one of the 6 kids that is overweight and sometimes even his brothers are mean too. I have to knock them out sometimes. Just kiddin. But kids are so mean any more. But i just sat him down and told him that we loved him, and the ones that say mean thing dont mean anything to you anyway.

  But we have decided to try and help him loose a little weight. He is 7 yrs old and he weighs 105 lbs. But he is very very tall for his age. I personally dont feel he is fat, but his doctor says it wouldnt hurt him to loose about 20 lbs. So we are on a "new eating program" not diet. He's adapting pretty well. But if it makes him feel better about himself, it's worth it. The biggest thing the doctor was concerned about is it going into diabetis or high blood pressure, because he has a tendacy to get bloody noses.

  Now we substitute fruit for cookies and candy, and just give him occsional snacks. Healthier foods. I could stand to loose a few myself. lol

  Good luck sweetie, i know its hard.

  Shel