Physical appearance IN the troof vs. out

by razorMind 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  razorMind

  I just had a question.....a rant is intertwined as well (sorry)

  When I was in the JW's, I noticed so many "new ONE'Z" and "interested ONE'Z" who were nicely dressed people. Many were fairly well-groomed, the women & girls with nice stylish fashion taste.

  After they were in it for several years, I also noticed a lot whose looks progressively went downhill. They progressively got less and less nicely dressed. Hair did the same. General grooming went downhill, too. Some went through significant weight gain. I distinctly remember a young girl from NYC whose JW grandmother down here gained custody of her. She was an extremely well-dressed (classic-stylish, not "hoochie"-stylish) young lady whose appearance generally deteriorated, hair and all, over the years living as a JW. I'd like to add that said grandmother was quite wealthy herself. I'd also like to note that this girl ended up fleeing back to her other relatives in NYC.

  My youngest sister basically looks like shit. She is extremely attractive but my mother refuses to buy her anything but frumpy flowered near-ankle-length dresses. She had to FIGHT my parents to get rid of her coke-bottle glasses and get contacts. She has seborrheic dermatitis so bad that it looks like she has vitiligo. Her face is like, 2 distinctly different colors. (side note: if you, reader, have seborrheic dermatitis, especially on your face, please get it taken care of. It can get bad. REALLY bad.)

  She has severe allergies and sinus problems so bad that I can barely stand to listen to her talk. She sounds like she's talking through a long hollow tube. One recent sinus infection left her with limited hearing in one ear--I have to get on her good side to talk, or else she can't hear me. She gained an alarming amount of weight and has the worst body-image issues I've ever known a person to have. She hasn't seemed to give a damn about the most basic grooming issues. I mean, her skin is absolutely HORRIFYING...

  I have been seeing a lot more of her lately; she moved away from my parents briefly, and now have moved back in with them. She seems to care slightly more about her appearance in recent weeks. She's lost right much weight, actually combs her hair now, and has bought nicer clothes. Actually, much of these changes have occurred since she's been in contact with me. I try not to make too much mention of how bad her skin looks; I just ask her (repeatedly) if the rash doesn't hurt and if she's using anything for it. (side note AGAIN: if s.d. gets severe enough, it can go far beyond simple dandruff & skin flaking. It can become quite painful.)

  These two points in this thread are somehow tied together.....I hurt so badly for my sister because I was in the EXACT SAME PLACE she is in now. I think she suffers from depression, actually. My whole appearance was SHITTY while I was in the JW's and living at home. Although I did at least make some efforts to look groomed and clean...whereas my sister doesn't. When I got away from my parents and from the JW's, I felt SO MUCH BETTER about myself. I started caring for myself and trying to look nice. I have s.d. too, but I went to the dermatologist and got medicine for it. I'm no beauty queen, but DAMN, I try to look my best.

  I don't know how to help her...my parents (hard-core, staunch elder and elderette) truly don't seem to care. They constantly harp on her about how much weight she's gained and how she needs to stop being so lazy and stop eating the wrong foods. They've kept her totally dependent on them all her life--she's 22 and has never had a steady job, can't cook or wash clothes, and until the last few months didn't know what a checking account was. I won't go into the guilt trips. I am just now finding out about truly fucked-up stuff they have done to her over the years---severe control issues, guilt issues, etc. Way worse than when I and my other sister lived there.

  They have drilled into her that they will literally die if she, their last child, leaves the "troof" like their other 2 kids. She's aware that my parents are 1/2 of the problem, but how can I tell her that the "troof" is the other half? I've made my point with her about my general feelings about JW, especially df'ing, but right now she's at the stage where she keeps telling me that "all congregations aren't like the one we grew up in" and "the df'ing policy isn't as strict in all congregations", etc. etc. Again I say, a few years back I was defending them the exact same way. I can't bombard her with too much right now, else the wall will go up completely. I fear my parents have irreparably damaged her and I don't know how I can help her.

  There's other shit involved too--she got married to a JW boy right out of high school who's basically in the same situation. They are like two 10-yr-olds in young adult bodies. Right now they've gotten evicted and are back in with my folks, who are treating them both with hatred and contempt. I want to scream to my folks, "BUT ISN'T THIS JUST WHAT YOU FUCKING WANTED? For us to marry 'nice JW boys'? Isn't this why you think me and other sis are fucking failures, cause we married 'worldly' boys? You got a daughter who's still in the 'troof' and a nice JW SIL, so WHY AREN'T YOU FUCKING HAPPY? HUH? HUH?"

  I don't know what exactly I am saying in this post--I started out with a question and I just can't stop typing. I am sorry this ran on so long, thanks if you read this far. If you'd like to comment your personal experiences regarding either the thread title or whatever, please feel free. Thanks again.

  Edited by - razorMind on 19 October 2002 12:12:9
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  willdabeerman

  i feel you on the whole apperance in the truth thing.when i was in i was an slightly overweight,acne faced,geek.my parents did lil to help me out. they would buy me cheap ass kmart multifuntion shoes(not really tennis shoes,but good enough to wear to school and meetings).my self esteem sucked,(still kinda does).but right before i got out,when i realised it was all bullshit,i started working out,bought good clothes,and all of a sudden i started to turn into a pretty damn good looking guy(what my ex said happened when i got out).sisters all of a sudden were interested in me and all...but then when elders start spreading lies and rumors,now im just a decent looking bad wordly acting person...forced to look outside the truth for a date.but i did. and im glad i grew up and realised whats up. to bad when i got out i was 20 and so emotionnaly stunted,i acted like i was 16.but thats another story for another time...damn now i need to do yard work...blah!...later peoples.
• 

  Windchaser

  (((((((((willdabeerman))))))))

  All I can say is, keep talking to your sister. My heart goes out to you.

  When I became a jw, I was at my best physically. I was 21, nice body, long hair and very outgoing. A perfect pioneer type. I had a child out of wedlock, so the dorky single jws nerds didn't want me. As the years went on, I became frumpy, with extremely low self-esteem. I eventually married two jws in my 30 years in, but (and I hate to dis them) they were the worst men for me. But, I thought, in the new system, we will be perfect so it doesn't matter. Well, it DID matter.

  Now that I am out, I am getting my second wind. I feel good about myself and have met some great nonexjw men. My favorite is a lawyer who makes me feel like I am beautiful and intelligent. He is ten years younger than I am and probably just wants nooky, but I don't care. I enjoy his company and it's nice to want to look my best again.

  Being a jw certainly does make you feel like shit, at least it did me.
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  willdabeerman

  10 yrs younger?.....that makes him 15 right?....;-)

  wow thats a young lawyer.
• 

  CornerStone

  Sorry to hear about your little sister RM, the more positive influences she has, the better it will be for her.

  I've mostly seen "battles" between young people and their parents out in service about what they are wearing. Mind you, the biggest problems were between girls and the flower dress/ skirt cut too low senerio. I think after time young people just give up to the society's view of "proper dress" and this causes depression because they are not allowed to fit in with the majority of their peers.

  Remember, the cult of the jehovah's witnesses are only concerned with two things about you,

  FIELD SERVICE

  AND

  MEETING ATTENDANCE

  Literally ALL OTHER THINGS come secondary to these. Out thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, our dreams, EVERYTHING, is made to support these two things. This is by design from the cult of the jehovah's witnesses.

  CornerStone
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  razorMind

  Greetings folks,

  This is an update to the situation with my little sister mentioned in my initial post.

  My dad kicked them both out of the house since my initial post. They have finally found a place, but now the one car they had has gotten repossessed. Basically, one bad event following the next.

  I think the time is ripe for a little "seed-of-doubt" dropping. Just one or two seeds. Both my little sister and her husband have decided to seek professional help. The psychiatrist is extremely worried about her, really worried. She became suicidal after my dad kicked them out, and this isn't the first time.

  Anyway, the psychiatrist is going to try to help both of them. Needless to say, my parents are none too happy about this. My mother, who is speeding towards a nervous breakdown herself, doesn't want her to use the medication the doctor has given her.

  When the occasion arises that I do have a chance to "sow some seeds", what do I say? I'll probably end up writing a letter, as I can get my thoughts out better that way. What are some good starting points? I really need some help here.....thanks in advance.

  P.S. thanks for answering my original post, I really appreciate everyone's thoughts.
• 

  myself

  She became suicidal after my dad kicked them out

  razor, be careful in how you plant those seeds for now. Her world is already a scary and depressing one to her. Finding out it was all a lie may drive her over the edge. Talk to her doctor about the best approach, the doctor can probably tell you if she is ready to handle it yet.
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  Prisca

  I agree with "myself" (of course I would, LOL!)

  Your sister and her husband are not ready to find out their religion is a sham. What they need now most of all is physical and emotional help. Just be there for them, that is all they need for now. Maybe later, once they have adjusted to their circumstances, you can start to plant your "seeds of doubt". Until then, they have much more important needs.
• 

  bay64me

  I feel for you and your sister.I think the situation that she has found herself in is just a typical example of how damage is inflicted on an individual when the ability to think and reason for ones self is taken away.

  As cornerstone pointed out, their are basically two matters of importance to the jws.

  I've mentioned this before elsewhere and I feel very strongly about it, that when we try to put on "the new personality" we are betraying our true selves. It's a matter of suicide of our core personality and that which they teach you to replace it with is flimsy, ineffective and emotionless.
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  SYN

  When I left, I started working out, got a job, and bought myself some decent clothes and hairgel. Things are better now. At least I haven't had to wear a tie in about a year or so!

  As a Dub, meeting attendance + FS hours comes first, clothes come last. Plus, the Dubettes are forced to dress "modestly". HAHA! What a scam!