Did you ever go sit outside on the porch for some fresh air, only to get dragged back in by your hair and kicked on every exposed part and you curl up into a ball because someone is growing inside of you and even the backs of your hands get kicked because you were shielding your head with them and seven years later you have to see a chiropractor on a regular basis because of it and you are walking down the street and someone passes you by that looks just like him and you involuntarily raise your shoulder up in a defensive motion and sometimes when you are getting your photo taken the flash bulb makes you wince because it reminds you of when the cop took pictures of your bruises for evidence and you would like to think of him as dead but then he calls every week and he still does not think he did anything wrong except get caught and you know that if you had gotten out of the car that night he would have tried to push you over the edge of the steep drop and you would have turned over and over in the air and landed so hard that you would have never gotten back up so instead you go home and you know that all those stories you were told when you were a kid about how domestic violence was not a valid reason to get a divorce were just the product of some sick minds and later when he holds the knife to your belly you are not there you are somewhere else planning your escape and his downfall as well and you realize that it is a lie when you say you don't think you could ever take a life because he has pushed you to that point and when all is said and done he serves eight months and moves on and gets his degree but you still feel trapped in all the poison he vomited on you and you will never be clean again and is it too much to ask to be free from the past?
Every night they come home to roost
by nilfun 13 Replies latest watchtower medical
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COMF
Uh... well, no. But I've known a bunch of women who have. Personally, I'm in favor of justifiable homicide. But that's just me.
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SixofNine
speechless. hugless. platitude-less.
<---- agrees with COMF
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DakotaRed
Personally, I have no use for any male that does that to a woman. Justifiable homicide, tough? Self defense would be more like it.
But, don't think of yourself as dirty, you are not. He is. He is scum, even though he may fair better for the present, one day, he will get his due. Life has a way of giving people as that severe get backs.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to email me.
Lew W
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Fe2O3Girl
Nilfun -
I never had it as bad as you have - but I have experienced a little of what you describe. I understand the nausea when you see someone who looks like him.......still having the nightmares.
All I know is, as someone once said to me "You are out of it now, but he will always be a twat".
And, WELL DONE! to you for pressing charges and getting away from that man!
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A Paduan
Jesus nilfun, I'm impressed that you're even here with a computer and living an' all - keep it up.
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nilfun
Thank you all for responding to me.
What I have written is for me more than just words on a screen... I hope they didn't disturb you all too much...
edited because it was obviously WAY past my bedtime when I originally posted...
nilfun, of the bats in her belfry class....
Edited by - nilfun on 31 October 2002 10:38:51
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Sentinel
Yes, I know. Those old memories slip back into our dreams at night, and into our thoughts in the light of day. You must find a way to address these issues, and get them off your back, so you can live your life the way it was meant to be lived.
I know what abuse is---serious abuse. Physical and mental. I lived that life while I was trying to be a JW, only because I was advised that this "example" would lead my mate to the faith. That it was my obligation as a christian wife. I got so tired of being treated like a dog by everyone in my life.
At one point, filled with desperation and rage, I stared down at my drunken husband, who had come home in the wee hours of the morning, had his way with me sexually, and then passed out. I wanted to end my misery by quietly killing him while he slept.
I actually pictured the image of the way it was going to happen. I had watched a movie on TV about some religious sect who slit their own throats, rather than be taken by their enemy. The husband cut his wife's neck artery, and each of his children, and then his own. They laid down beside each other in the wee hours of the morning as the blood drained from them. Every family did this. When the enemy found them, they were all dead. I thought it wouldn't be such a bad way for him to die. He wouldn't even know he was bleeding to death, because he was too drunk. He seemed to be so miserable and he was so cruel to me, and I didn't deserve it. It seemed so simple, and, then I'd be free at last.
When I realized the terror of the thoughts I was having, and how desperate I had become, I knew I had to do something to get my life together.
The decision, once made, was a good choice. I left both abusers, the borg and my husband! What I didn't know was that simply "leaving" would not solve the problem. I had to change myself. When I began to do that, day by day, my life began to come together. When I left him, he didn't want to live without me, and he killed himself when I wouldn't go back to him.
No one deserves to be abused.
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shera
Don't you worry about disturbing anyone.It is hard going threw that crap.I was with an idiot for almost 2 yrs of my life.What a waste.
(edited for my stuttering typing )
To tell you the truth I was starting to plot how to kill him and not get caught.....I just told myself I have to get out because I'm not going to jail for this scum and my child loose her mother.Sorry that you went threw that crap and if you need someone who understands to talk to..e-mail me any time you want.
I still have nitemares because of that guy,he was a totally sick pig.
take care and **hugs**
Edited by - shera on 10 November 2002 20:43:19
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nilfun
(((Sentinel)))
I wanted to end my misery by quietly killing him while he slept.
Yes, I have been in that space.
I have been getting gentle encouragement to go back into therapy...
And you are right, just leaving doesn't make the "stuff" go away....The one that hurt me served jail time for what he did...he is now a registered sex offender with two strikes because of what he did to me...when the charges were read at his preliminary hearing, the other prisoners were so disgusted that they beat him down, he had to be segregated from the general population...that time is six years past, but the hurt is still fresh.
I hope I don't come across as crazy...remember, this is only a part of who I am.....
Thank you for responding...it does mean a lot for me to know that I am not alone.....