Hey I would not beat yourself over it so much. You're only human and according to the Bible that does not really count for much.
I studied for years every single day.. special pioneered doing sometimes up to 270 hours a month, attended and participated in every single meeting without fail and read and studied every single piece of literature the society ever printed almost all the while remaining in good standing etc etc..
Yet I did it all without ever managing to acquire any kind of real relationship with either God or Jesus.
I can never recall really ever had a prayer answered, never was aware of ever having received help from any kind of spirit being for my acute depression, isolation and paralysing feeling of being utterly disconnected and agonisingly and desolately lonely while the entire time slogging myself to utter exhaustion trying to please God yet feeling nothing but complete worthlessness and inadequacy almost all my years in the organisation.
It was not until some years after leaving that I realised how actually could I ever commit an unforgivable sin against a being I have never actually even known?
Seriously offending God or Jesus can actually only really occur if you have met, known communed with or experienced both or either.
Only people like Adam, Abraham, Moses, the Apostles, Peter, Paul etc, etc can commit a mortal or unforgivable sin.. because they apparently have heard, seen, met, experienced, were spoken to, touched or were directly touched by God or Jesus..
I'm guessing that you too have not been.
Stop hating yourself in your own mind for crimes you are simply unable to commit.