Do you feel alienated from your JW family?

by dins 15 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  dins

  Just a general query as today I am feeling, as most Sundays, like I want to move to the moon and get away from my JW family...ie, mother and father. For years I lived abroad and didn't really think about it much, but now that I am back and in the area, just the very thought of spending too many minutes in their company makes me want to pack up and move away again. It's been several years since I left home and the JW organization. My parents were never really that strong when it came to the religion and I saw a lot of hyprocisy with them and with the other members in the congregation, and I still see it and it is driving me mad. I cannot bear to sit through one of my father's "blah-blah-help us not be this and that thank you for this and that" prayers when he is the biggest hypocrite I've had the misfortune to encounter, and my mother's "I've got to stay with him because of the truth" routine when she really can't bear to look at him either and oftentimes admits it.

  So what do I do? I have been avoiding their house like the plague for two years now, always finding some excuse, but feel it's rather academic since they know how I feel and the excuses are running out. But every time I walk into the house, the old pain returns, and it's like I am a child again and my father's many abusive overtures toward us children resurfaces....does anyone feel this way? I am feeling so guilty like an awful daughter, but no matter how hard I try and even with the help of Prozac, I still feel the same way. Does anyone have any advice (other than moving to outer Mongolia since I have considered this!!) Am I being awful and selfish???

  Diana
• 

  Gopher

  Diana,

  You're doing the best you can in a tough situation. Of course your parents may not see it that way, but as long as you are resisting "walking in lockstep" with the WT Society, they will always feel that you are a bit disappointing to them.

  Fortunately for me my parents live 1500 miles away, or I'd probably be faced with the same thing as you are. But yes I do feel alienated (to answer your question) and my sister does too -- as she wants nothing more to do with the JW's. We have been searching for an answer to the excruciating question -- what can we do? Short of going back to the JW's, I guess reconciliation is impossible. And my parents are 65 and 70 -- time is running out on their lives. They've been told for 50+ years that the "end is just around the corner", and now they're facing the reality that they likely will NOT survive into the new system that the Watchtower promised them.

  I guess their problems may be worse than ours. Who knows? They haven't communicated with me anything meaningful in at least two years. (OK I'll stop rambling and give someone else the floor.)
• 

  blondie

  Hi Diana. When abuse is in the picture and the abuser is still abusive whether it is physically, emotionally or verbally, I figure why stay in touch? If your mother put your father ahead of your safety or well-being, what special relationship could there be?

  Then all they become is DNA donors in our life. I have little contact with my family due to the abuse issues. Calling themselves JWs and attending the KH has not meant they are no longer abusers verbally and emotionally.

  I have not moved to Outer Mongolia. I have over the years been frank but kind as to why I don't want to associate. Some of my family has taken the initiative on their own to shun me (I am not inactive, DA'd or DF'd).

  It is a sick, sick world, Diana. If your parents were not related to you, you would probably have no problem seeing the harm in being around them and not associating with them. Don't let an accident of birth blind you to the emotional and spiritual danger of associating with them.

  Blondie (who has walked this road for over 20 years)
• 

  Iwasyoungonce

  You are not wrong to feel the way that you do Diana. And there is no way you are being selfish. I believe that people who are fully shunned have it easier than those who are shunned part way. At least with a clean break you have a choice of wishing that things could be different or just creating a new life; One without Jehovah Witnesses in it. One way I have tried explaining the difference is: There are people who are just seperated from the church and their familes. Some funtions they are not to attend and some things they are permitted to. The WT still has a very strong hold on who they interact with and how they are treated. The Elders, or other members of the "org" define their life's interactions with family and jw friends, even working relationships.

  Then there are those who are divorced from the church cult and their families that are inside. It does not matter who is not speaking to whom. Or, even if shunning is being done or not. The relationship is dead. That seems scarier than it is. We deserve to be happy; It is our right. Parents or friends that have a need or desire to control who we are, who need to spy and prey on us, be it for a religion, or any other cult mentality. They are not worth our time, or our happiness. They may be weak, or brainwashed, or even just plain evil. They are not worth our suffering and enduring the stupidity with them.

  I say state your feelings to your parents. Make clear boundries that will be enforced no matter what. Stand up for yourself and what you believe. If meals are the issue then stop having them over or, quit attending them. What ever the problems are put a stop to them. Be happy with yourself and for yourself. After all isn't that what Jehovah Witnesses always claim? That they are standing up for what they believe. Well, so should we. We that do not accept the dominating control of this cult. We have a right to be free of it. If they then choose to not interact with us to shame or hurt us into submission; Then the bad is theirs and theirs alone. It is not our bad for being who we are. It is not bad to stand up to wantabe tyrants. That is not being selfish when that person is you that you are fighting for, the you that you want to be. What is selfish of yourself is to be unhappy for yourself because your mother is unhappy with her life that she won't change. Even if that is only your opinion that she is unhappy.

  This should be the "yardstick" for all your relationships in life; Do they contribute to or do they contaminate your feelings of happiness? If the relationship contamimates you then state why it does. If they refuse to change then you might have to tell them, "OK, if you will not change trying to change me, (To make me into you) then you will be missed. Goodbye." (I did just that)

  Diana, be happy. It is a good place to be. Do what you have to do to be happy with your life.
• 

  Dia

  Being out here and coming to appreciate the rampant cold-heartedness of JWs in general has alleviated from me any and all feelings of guilt about what I might or might not be doing.

  I pray God has a way to deal with them, eventually.

  I forgive them in a broad spiritual sense but I've really come to recognize their selfishness and to know that forgiving them does not mean that I have to have anything to do with them.

  They can't really fathom that anyone else is in the room besides themselves.

  Our relationship would pretty much be exactly the same whether I was there or not.

  For my own sake, I choose not.

  There are better places to invest my energy.
• 

  Mum

  (((Diana)))

  Like Blondie, I have walked this road for many years. I felt alienated from my family before I was ever a JW, however. I have learned the hard lessons of the consequences one faces without a family support system, with no one to turn to in times of trouble, and the trouble that is inevitable when a person has internalized the negative messages about herself that were given by people who were supposed to be nurturing and accepting.

  I am sorry, but they're not likely to change their attitude. I try to do the right thing by being there for my family if they are in need, but live to regret it. It's sad to regret doing what you believe to be right and good for others. Once I told my mother off on the advice of my daughter who told me I would feel better if I did. I didn't feel good about it, but she treated me with more respect afterwards. How sad to have to do what I feel is wrong to move someone else to do right.

  They are acting out of fear and insecurity at all times. It is very sad to be so afraid of life that you let a cult control your beliefs, even your affections. Love them the best you can, and go enjoy the rest of your life the best you can. Find some volunteer work, a support group, someting to take your mind off what you are missing.

  Empathetically,

  Sandra
• 

  MegaDude

  Ask yourself this simple question:

  Would you put up with your family's behavior if they weren't your family?

  If the answer is no, then why are you putting up with it? Simply because your're related? Is that a good enough reason?

  I wouldn't take an anti-depressive simply to maintain a relationship that I found emotionally harmful to myself. But people do that for what they perceive are positive reasons

  *not that they are, in fact, positive reasons; just merely perceived that way*

  What do you perceive are the positive aspects to maintaining a relationship with your parents?
• 

  happysunshine

  Hi Diane!

  I really walked the talk, gave it everything I could growing up until I left at 21. I think that helped me, because I left having confidence I was doing the right thing. I didn't 'waver' or 'rebel' or get 'pressured out'. It simply didn't work. I would probably have a lot of emotional sludge in me now if I had left before I was convinced it was wrong.

  Having said that, it does mean there's no challenges. I still have to deal with 'weirdness' between my family and I. There's also the occasional phobia or bad a ttitude that pops up, and I can trace it to being raised a witness. But I think I'm dealing with it pretty good. And I'm a lot nicer guy than I used to be ;-)

  As far as blame, bad feelings, etc., thats a tricky one. I think these emotions exist for a reason, and we can used their power. It's kind of like riding an animal- great on top, not good underneath. I find it helpful to compare it with non-JW stuff. For example, what role would anger play in other situations where someone was/is getting hurt? True, getting mad at your folks isn't going to make the past go away, but in a sense it can change it. I mean, why do we have a criminal/civil court at all if taking action after the fact is useless?

  Of course, you have to consider the situation, but generaly I don't buy the 'we thought we were doing the best for you' defense. That is used for all kinds of stuff, including abuse. A study on serial child molesters showed that some actualy believed that the children wanted to have sex and that they were doing them a favour by attacking them. I know its an extreme analogy, but the same psycho/social processes often work with Witnesses. Where does the buck stop then?

  I think the organisation acts a kind of 'emotional clearing house' for many Witnesses. There is a structured outlet for jealosy, anger, hate, even rage. I can't remember how many elders I saw lose it at the door with someone who didn't think inside the box. Even their biggest joy, the paradise, only comes after 6 billion people are massacred. That's the ultimate outlet for agression. I often remember Witnesses joking around about an unfriendly householder, saying they would be running around on fire or something.

  liljwgirl wrote-

  Besides, we have no hard feelings towards those who don't agree with us.. Everyone is allowed to be opinionated.

  Please. In the combined 300+ years my family and I have spent as Witnesses, this has never been actualized. I do remember a lot of people who suddenly 'dissapeared', silenced directly or indirectly by the Watchtower, never to be seen again. A lot of them turn up here, others commit suicide, still others... who knows.

  I think you are a troll, posing as 'liljwgirl'. NOT cool here. Go to a holocaust survivours board and pose as a Nazi or something.

  Diane, hang in there. -J

  Are there genuinly nice, sweet people in this world? Yes, absolutely yes, and they get as angry as often as you and I. They must- otherwise they would be full of vindictive feelings and slush, which would prevent genuine sweetness. -Theodore Isaac Rubin
• 

  Sentinel

  Oh, Diane,

  It's rough when you have so many emotions pulling at you. I can tell that you love your parents and that you were brought up to respect them. Yet, they are a disappointment to you, and you have negative issues to deal with when you are around them.

  Actually, you are quite fortunate that your parents speak to you. My mom and her sister, both long term JW's have nothing to do with me. My mom began the shunning again in August, after having somewhat of a relationship with me for the past ten years. I cannot get through to her. I cannot reach her. So, I don't even try. She is happy where she is and has rationalized all her actions, so that she can live with her decisions. So be it. But, I miss her so much. Sometimes, all I want to do is just to be able to give her a big hug. She is 78, and one day she will be really gone from my life.

  Try to find some way to connect with your folks on a limited, but somewhat regular basis. Connecting in love is very important. Make your visits brief, and try not to let them push your buttons. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I know it won't be easy, but you will feel good about yourself if you can manage to have some association. They need you as well. Life is never easy, but every hill we get over gives us the strength to push forward to the next one.
• 

  SLOAN

  Diana,

  So sorry that you are feeling upset today. You are not being selfish. I can totally relate to what you are going through. The only comfort I recieved from all of the fanaticism and hypocrisy was when I became disfellowshipped. My parents have totally Disowned me and DO NOT have any contact what-so-ever with me. As sad and hard as it is for me at times; I've found it's a total protection from feeling the way you do right now. I hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes!!!