Favorite Monty Python Sketch? (page 2)

El Kabong

Just one more...

Wenn is das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
...Beiherund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Bendrr

Kabong, that's the joke used by British troops against the Germans right?

What's the translation?

Mike.

(Hitler: My dog has no nose -- Audience: How does he smell? -- Hitler: Awful!)

(German retaliatory killer joke: Two peanuts vere valkink down ze strasse und vun vas assaulted............peanut)

I could never find the actual translation for the "killer joke". I understand that there were translators working in joke proof conditions working on one word each for greater safety. Unfortunatly, one of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in the hospital.

Wren

Life of Brian stoning scene: "But all I said was this halibut was fit for jehovah." His comment at dinner table.

Stoning commences upon saying the J word again.

freedom96

Where the soldier gets his arms and legs chopped off and still wants to fight.

Scully

The argument clinic!

http://wilstar.com/comedy.htm

Love, Scully

CaptainSchmideo

Anything written by Cleese and Palin. They're stuff was always way more logical in its execution.

The Cheese Shop is a good sketch, especially if you remember all those times when we had food service at the assemblies, and everything you asked for was out of stock.

The CHEESE SHOP Sketch

Transcribed from The Instant Monty Python Record Collection
by Malcolm Dickinson ([email protected])
Spelling corrected by Burr ([email protected]) to the best his ad hoc abilities

Return to Monty Python home page

(a customer walks in the door)

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Owner: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Owner: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Owner: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Owner: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Owner: No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Owner: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Owner: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........!

Customer: What now?

Owner: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

(pause)

Customer: Gouda?

Owner: No.

Customer: Edam?

Owner: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Owner: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Owner: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

Customer: Greek Feta?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner: no

Customer: Parmesan,

Owner: no

Customer: Mozarella,

Owner: no

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Owner: no

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Owner: no

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Owner: no

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Owner: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir...
.....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Owner: No.

Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

There are Jews in the world.

There are Buddhists.

There are Hindus and Mormons, and then

There are those that follow Mohammed, but

I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,

And have been since before I was born,

And the one thing they say about Catholics is:

They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.

You don't have to have a great brain.

You don't have to have any clothes on. You're

A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite irate.

GIRL:

Let the heathen spill theirs

On the dusty ground.

God shall make them pay for

Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:

Every sperm is wanted.

Every sperm is good.

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood.

MUM:

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,

Spill theirs just anywhere,

But God loves those who treat their

Semen with more care.

MEN:

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

WOMEN:

If a sperm is wasted,...

CHILDREN:

...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:

Every sperm is sacred.

BRIDE and GROOM:

Every sperm is good.

NANNIES:

Every sperm is needed...

CARDINALS:

...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:

Every sperm is useful.

Every sperm is fine.

FUNERAL CORTEGE:

God needs everybody's.

MOURNER #1:

Mine!

MOURNER #2:

And mine!

CORPSE:

And mine!

NUN:

Let the Pagan spill theirs

O'er mountain, hill, and plain.

HOLY STATUES:

God shall strike them down for

Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is good.

Every sperm is needed

In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,

God gets quite iraaaaaate!

Favorite Monty Python Sketch?

El Kabong

Bendrr

El Kabong

Wren

freedom96

Scully

CaptainSchmideo

The CHEESE SHOP Sketch

DebraDoll

professor

Robdar

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