Notice lately the threads discussing pain? Viv, Dave, Joelbear...
We all come from different walks of life, some of us have had things easier than others on a personal level, and yet we share a common bond. We escaped the claws of a machine that told us how to think, feel, act, live, have sex, etc. We escaped. We are survivors.
Is it just me, or do we all suffer extreme fear of rejection? After leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses, many of us here find ourselves groping for some sort of light, some type of answer to life itself. Some do this through other forms of spirituality or religion, others by simple personal meaning in thier lives. Some can't find the light, and sense thier lives have lost all meaning. I refuse to be one of those people. Refuse.
Leaving the borg opens us up to emotion. Stop and think about it. Being a dub, we were not allowed to FEEL what we felt, that was controled. Anger is bad. Desire is bad. Lust is bad. Greed is bad. Competition is bad. Luck is bad. Everything but worshing Jehovahs and putting in our hours was bad. So, when you leave, there is a deluge of emotions, and yet no normal skills to comprehend them. Wow, look, we can do what we want, feel what we want, react the way we want... and yet, we don't know HOW.
Socally retarded is a phrase that has been used, and I find it accurate. We are all hurting. None of us are OVER the borg or we would not be posting here. Some yes, are ALMOST over it... but... If we were TRULY over it, we would have moved on with our lives and not even give the word Jehovah's Witness a second thought. Tell me, any word connected to the religion, what sort of feelings or thoughts pop into your heart and mind? EXACTALLY. Guess what... we will never be "over it," not totally. It will always be there, be a part of us.
I don't know about you, but pain is almost something I welcome. It is familiar to me, sparks an emotional response in me. Not that I choose to play the victim, but sh*t, what else makes a person feel the core of emotion other than pain agony or despair? Love, hope, blah blah... and guess what? I know what those things are, but it is the pain that stops me dead in my tracks.
Like Dave's post earlier, I have gone thrugh friends and men like pantyhose. SLightest thing off... good-bye see you later. I don't want to open my inner self, don't want to trust. What the f**k is trust? Why the hell should I trust you? Why should I open myself up to you? You will only try to hurt me or control me, so why bother? And the very thng we do - isolate ourselves, is the very thing that hurts us. Say you don't do that, say you don't reject people, I am sure some of you don't... but admit it, we all ahve issues with trust.
I celebrate Christmas, and try to love the holidays, etc etc, but have this horrible fear of my father's dissaproval that I even took my Christmas tree down. He knows I am an apostae, he knows I smoke, and yet we had the don't ask don't tell talk. But I am so worried, so afraid that one little thing will topple it all down. One little thing will set him off and I will loose my daddy forever. He is old, tired, and I want to let him down anymore.
I LONG for a normal family. I long to have my mothers back, sitting with our family on Thanksgiving day eating turkey and stuffing like little happy piggies. It isn't going to happen. A) - One was a hard core dub B) they are both dead. Case closed.
You know what? Fuck you Jehovah's Witnesses. It was because of you my first mother killed herself in the first place. God damn you, I am going to live my life. Not you or anybody else is going to get me down. I am a survior damn it. Try and stop me, you just try.
Pain is familiar to all of us. Might as well learn to embrace it.