House lights go to black as the stage is slowly illuminated revealing a court room
Balif: All rise for the Honorable Justice McClellan . . . You may be seated.
Peter McClellan: Now, Mr. Ministerial Servant, as I understand it, you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Ministerial Servant: I really enjoying helping with the microphones and the literature and doing occasional parts on the service meetings . . .
Peter McClellan: Well that doesn't answer the question does it? Are you not responsible for the abuse cases you encounter in your church?
Ministerial Servant: What? Huh? Oh, um, I can only do what the elders tell me.
Peter McClellan: Get me an elder . . . (24hrs later) . . . Now, Mr. Elder, as I understand, it you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Elder: I absolutely abhor child abuse and if anyone ever hurt one of my kids I'd punch 'em in the face!
Peter McClellan: Well that doesn't answer the question does it? Are you not responsible for the abuse cases you encounter in your church?
Elder: What? Huh? Oh, um, I can only do what the Service Department tells me to do.
Peter McClellan: Get me the Service Department . . . (24hrs later) . . . Now, Mr. Slick, as I understand it, you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Mr. Slick: Well just to put that into context let me first say that spiritual concerns are not the same as legal concerns. And that we do everything we can to make sure what we're doing is good in regards to the nature of the events for which we want to prevent because even pedophiles get out of prison and sometimes . . .
Peter McClellan: But that doesn't really answer the question does it? Are you not responsible for the abuse cases you encounter in your church?
Mr. Slick: Oh no-no-no. We don't handle any pedophiles. I would never touch them.
Peter McClellan: Come now Mr Slick.
Mr. Slick: I've never seen a abuse case in my life.
Peter McClellan: Mmmm, right. Well who has authority in these cases?
Mr. Slick: Oh - that's the legal department!!! Yeah, you'll have to ask them.
Peter McClellan: Get me the Legal Department . . . (24hrs later) . . . Now, Mr. Know Nothing, as I understand it you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Mr. Know Nothing: To understand how all this works we have to look at Acts 5:29. This clearly indicates that you can't make us do anything we don't want to.
Peter McClellan: But you are the chief legal advisor for the branch in Australia. Surely you can make decisions in child abuse cases.
Mr. Know Nothing: I know nothing. And any piece of paper ever handled by anyone above me I have never seen . . . but you should talk to the Branch Committee.
Peter McClellan: Get me the Coordinator for the Branch Committee . . . (24hrs later) . . . Now, Mr. Liar, as I understand it you are authorized to make decisions in regards to abuse cases?
Mr. Liar: The Governing Body has absolutely no authority in these cases and can't shed any light on anything.
Peter McClellan: Well you got the second half right. So am I to take it then that you can in fact make decisions?
Mr. Liar: No, I can't wipe my butt without asking the Governing Body . . . err . . . I mean . . . damnit!
Peter McClellan: Get me the Governing Body . . . (24hrs later) . . . Now, Mr. Self Righteous, as I understand it, you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Mr Self Righteous: I am the humblest person I know. Everyone should try to be as humble as I am.
Peter McClellan: Who makes decisions in regards to child abuse cases?!
Mr. Self Righteous: (raises hand. waits for one of the legal aids to bring him a microphone. he stands on the chair, presses his lips to the microphone) Jeeehooovah!
Peter McClellan: Very good Mr Self Righteous. Get me God Almighty . . . (Instantaneously) . . . Now, God of Gods and King of Kings, as I understand it, you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
God of Gods and King of Kings: Well the short answer is no.
Peter McClellan: What?! But you're supposed to be the most high!
God of Gods and KIng of Kings: Yeah, well, I'm kinda letting my son take the wheel right now.
Peter McClellan: You're letting Jesus take the wheel?
God of Gods and King of Kings: Yeah. 1914 was his birthday. I had to get 'em somethin' special.
Peter McClellan: Jeezus Christ! . . . Get me Jesus Christ . . . (half a day, 2 days, or three days later depending on which Gospel you reference) . . . Now, Mr. Peace Loving Hippy, as I understand it, you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Mr. Peace Loving Hippy: Ah, no dude. Sorry, that totally wouldn't be me.
Peter McClellan: But God Almighty said you're in charge.
Mr Peace Loving Hippy: Yeah, afraid not bro. The world is lying in the power of the Wicked One man. You gotta talk to the devil. He's totally wicked dude.
Peter McClellan: Yes my Lord. Get me the Wicked One . . . (right before your favorite show is about to come on) . . . Now, Mr. Lucifer, as I understand it, you are authorized to make decisions in regards to child abuse cases?
Mr. Lucifer: Excuse me, I would prefer that my name be said in English during this proceedings.
Peter McClellan: Shining Star?
Mr. Lucifer: My full name.
Peter McClellan: Shining Star Son of the Dawn?
Mr. Lucifer: Yes. Has a nice ring to it doesn't it?
Peter McClellan: We'll come to that. Now, as you are the Original Serpent am I to assume-
Mr. Lucifer: Shhhh!
Peter McClellan: What?
Mr. Lucifer: You're going to ruin the ending! Don't tell everyone the spoiler at the end of the book! What kind of monster are you?
Peter McClellan: I'm not sure I follow.
Mr. Lucifer: You don't find out that the Snake, Satan, and Lucifer are all the same person until the book of Revelation. You just ruined the whole Bible. No ones going to read it now!
Peter McClellan: But you're Satan, I thought you wouldn't want anyone to read the whole Bible?
Mr. Lucifer: Of course I want people to read the whole Bible! How else am I going to get people to become atheists?
Peter McClellan: We'll come back to that. Now as I understand it, you have authority in child abuse cases.
Mr. Lucifer: Yes, that is correct. I have influence over all the nations.
Peter McClellan: And you set up standards and procedures to prevent child abuse?
Mr. Lucifer: Yes. In every single one of my nations I have harsh punishments for pedophiles and great care is taken to deter, reform, and remove child offenders from society. Really the only ones who haven't caught up yet are the Jehovah's witnesses.
Peter McClellan: So what you're saying Shining Star Son of the Dawn is that you - Satan the Devil - have implemented a higher standard of morals than the Jehovah's Witnesses?
Mr. Lucifer: That is correct. The Jehovah's Witnesses have not met the moral standards of even the agent whom they think is the worst entity in the entire universe.
