Is "Death" All That Bad?

MrMoe

What is death? And what makes it so bad? I am going to post something in a minute that is very personal for me, and yet I feel it is necessary to say. I reveal some to the boards, but not a whole lot. The "Pain" post I did the other day was really telling more than I wanted to say because it dealt with some very personal feelings, but thought perhaps it might help people to know that what they are feeling is normal and that they are not alone. I notice the more I open to the board, the more it also helps me to heal, in part it is also selfish of me, but hey, I am a selfish person sometimes. And you know what? That's OK, too. There are a lot of things that are OK. We just have to deprogram ourselves. Opening up is a huge issue for many of us, acknowledging the feelings that we have in the back of our heads and underneath it all, the feelings we were never allowed to express. Part of me has always viewed emotion as a weakness, something you are supposed to keep to yourself. I still think it is best to keep our personal lives personal, but perhaps it is time we all start breaking down the walls that hem us in (if we have not begun to already) and admit we are not cattle anymore awaiting the slaughter. We are live human beings with hearts and minds all unique to us; we all go through many things and emotions, some light and some dark, some good and some bad. We ain't perfect, it is time we stop trying to be. Carla's and Paula's mother passing away made me think a lot about my own two mothers, then had me reflect on some other things. Before I go on, I want to express my absolute deepest sympathy, but no matter what I say or any of us say, it still hurts them like hell. Death comes in many forms, not just the physical passing of the ones we cherish. *deep breath* I remember when a lot changed for me in my life this year. Lost and stripped of everything I ever knew - other than the one thing that kept me going, my daughter. There I was, standing in the living room one night all alone.. and thought to myself holy sh*t, I'm gonna die. Just stood there grabbing my chest trembling in pain. And I really thought that, I thought I was just going to die. Said to myself "I can't take this, there is no possible way I am going to live through this." Every bit of me hurt, emotionally and physically. I felt such pain that my human mind still cannot comprehend, down to my very bones. I can't quite explain it, or form that evening into words, but I just felt myself dying. And I did, I truly did. Then, I remember looking up and seeing my face in the mirror on my living room wall. Just sorta froze me for a bit, and there I was -- paused, gazing at my own reflection, as if I were a perfect stranger. It was then I changed, forever. That precise moment where time stood still, and I saw everything for what it really was, I SAW ME. That one single moment where you are smacked in the face, hard, and you just know that no matter what, you just can't go back, and that you will never be the same. The moment where you find yourself. Does any of this make sense to you? All my life seeking something, not knowing what it is, and there it was, all along... I experienced death in each form you could imagine, and yet... I survived. Thought my heart was going to burst on my living room floor, thought I couldn't go on. But I did. I made it, and I found it. Me. Whatever has hurt you in life, you came out of it, on top. Maybe battered and a little bruised for a while, but here you are, here you sit, reading this. Next time you feel like giving up, next time you feel so utterly alone, you remember this --- You are never EVER alone. If you don't have friends or family, you have yourself. And nobody, no human being on this earth knows you like you do. People come, people go. Opportunities present themselves, then leave as quickly as they came. But one thing you can bet your life on, is you. Just gotta find it. Amanda

Brummie

Does any of this make sense to you?

What an obsolute gem! This type of post meks me glad to be around this forum.

ALL of it makes sense...read every word, cant reflect on it now though cus I'm at work.

Thanks for posting it

Brummie

lauralisa

Amazing post, Moe

Double Edge

Amanda...

Wonderful post, very thought provoking. Yesterday, I took an out of town relative to the airport. She's in her forties. The discussion lead to an event that happened to her twenty years ago that I didn't know about. When she delivered her first child, she had a few life-threatening complications, hemorraging, etc. She lost consciousness for a second, then she found herself outside of her body. I'm not going to go into details, but to say her father, who had passed on a few years before came to her and asked her if she want to go with him, yet she could hear her husband (who had been by her bedside) calling to her. She said that even though she so looked forward to her first child, she had this overwhelming sense to 'go home' with her dad, where she knew things would be 'normal' and not go back to this very difficult and demanding world. Still, with her husband calling and her responsibility to her child she 'chose' to come back here.

You're right, we're not alone. Life is important on a level I don't think anyone really understands. Thanks for sharing something so personal.

notperfectyet

Whatever Amanda.....

I was here before you were, I saw your pain..and your pain, and your pain.......

You are still mean, you attacked Simon and others......over and over..why did you leave bboys forum again? Not enough censorship?

You are still a child, with many emotions to go through, and once you get over your dusting Hello kitty, and flaming others for using it as a sentiment, and quit pretending you're a Lesbian..and a slut...and whatever else your little mind decides at the moment, maybe you will be ok, or in an institution..as soon as your thirst for attention is sustained.

Oh I am sure many will flame me for this, go ahead.......and pleeeze.delete me Simon.

Brummie

I was here before you were.... ~rasp~

Hey notperfect looks like you need bitter mango to come and save your day too.

Brummie

MrMoe

I was never "nasty" with Simon. I happen to like Simon, ask him yourself. And take a look at bboy's forum, I still post there dim wit. Am I perfect? Nope. Am I bitch? You better believe it. Do I like everybody? Nope. In fact, I am capable of every conceivable human emotion. Love, hate, rage, fear, kindness, loathing, mourning, depression, tenderness... But you say I attack people (very true I call it how I see it - one thing about me, I am bluntly honest,) and yet you are doing the same to me. Now, I could lash out, be hateful to you, but I won't.

Are you mocking my pain? I could tell you sh*t about my personal life that would make your toes curl. So before you cast stones at me, why don't you take a long hard look at your nickname my dear. Notperfectyet. Guess what, neither am I, nor do I wish to be.

Inside my head, I am calling you every profane name in the book. Inside my head I am being very hateful with you right now, and to be blunt, I don't give a flying ~~f**k~~ if you care or not. Good day, no scratch that, have a miserable night sleep.

Amanda

*of the running out of posts class and may not be able to respond until tomorrow*

notperfectyet

I am not knocking your pain,

just being true to my emotions.

Now I'm wrong?

Damn you, now I have to take Tylenol PM.

OUTLAW

If you have things you want to do ,death isn`t a plus..It kinda fucks things up...OUTLAW

Shytears

Amanda thanx for the post,its probaly what ALOT of people are going thru,it all made sense too me,i wish i could express myself like that in my post .hehe stay true to yourself ..... Love Laura.

p.s. not perfectyet,that was mean no need to even say that..

Is "Death" All That Bad?

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