Birthday lament

by mike047 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  mike047

  First, let me say; I am not looking for congrat's, hugs, empathy or sympathy. This just my thoughts on my life.

  Today, I am 55 YEARS old. That in it's self, for me seems to be quite an accomplishment. As I have reflected on past deeds and accomplishments[or lack there of], I can only remember the bad events. The ones that I either wronged someone or made a bad decision[affecting myself or others or both]. I never reflect on a positive event, surely there must have been some.....They just never come up.

  When I analyze my contributions to this world, I find myself lacking. Any memory of my existance[ecept for my immediate family] will vanish upon my demise. I have not "saved" the world with a miracle cure or brokered world peace. I have not contributed to advance knowledge by research. I have not even improved my own knowledge[ I have had ample opportunities] to facilitate my doing any of the afore mentioned things.

  When I left home in 1964 to join the Navy, as I was leaving Montgomery to go to "boot" camp, A Marine Sgt. boarded the bus to try and recruit/hijack recruits for the USMC. I volunteered. Iwas rejected because I was a minority[under 18, parents had to sign for me] enlistee. I have often wondered if, had things been different at that instant, if my life would have had any significant value. I might have been a "HERO"[ which I consider all battle dead] or have changed an event that would have been significant. But, alsa, NO..

  My lfe has been a series of mundane insignificant personal struggles. The only "bright" spot being my beating[at least for the moment] Drugs and Alcohol.

  From MY viewpoint, had my life not continued beyond 15 years old, it would have made no difference. I have wasted the last 40 years in futile struggle. I have used up Air that many good people could have put to better use.

  BUT, EVERY day I wake up, put the FALSE smile on my face and go and take "My Fair Share of Abuse".

  I wonder, How many more wonderful "Golden" year do I have in me???
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  Yerusalyim

  Mike,

  Not to make light of what you're feeling now, but it sounds like typical mid-life crisis stuff. But what the heck do I know, I'm only 38. Perhaps a visit from Clarence ala "It's A Wonderful Life" might change your mind. Each of us affects other people in small little ways that make a big difference. You might have put on your "false smile" and cheered up someone thinking of suicide or homicide. You might have been in a parking lot somewhere and been the one guy around that made the mugger or rapist decide not to attack the gal on the other side of the parking lot. I don't know where you stand on a belief in God, but even if you're an athiest it's easy to see if we step back and look, that we are all so intricately and delicately linked as to be simply amazing. You've made me stop and look at my life and appreciate it a bit more today, which is an accomplishment on your behalf, and so I say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyhow big guy.
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  LucidSky

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE047!!!

  Downer post for a birthday though.

  I strongly believe that the meaning to life is what we individually want it to be. If you feel that contributing to the world brings more meaning to your existance, there are plenty of volunteer programs that you can help with.
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  Shakita

  Mike047:

  You said:

  My life has been a series of mundane insignificant personal struggles. The only "bright" spot being my beating[at least for the moment] Drugs and Alcohol.

  Don't you realize what an achievement this really is? My Mom was an alcoholic for most of my years growing up. What I wanted most was for my Mom to be sober. I would have given anything for her to be a "normal" Mom. Don't ever say that your beating alcohol wasn't a significant achievement!!! Keep up the good work.

  I always say we touch more people in our lives than we realize. You do, too.

  Go out and buy yourself a big birthday present, rent a very funny movie, and get a pizza with all your favorite toppings, and ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY! Take care and,

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

  Mrs. Shakita
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  mike047

  SHAKITA; Drugs and alcohol is a huge daily struggle for a recovering abuser, and yes it is an accomplishment, of sorts. Not becoming an abuser of such things would be a far greater accomplishment.

  I did buy myself a birthday present......A new Electronic bath scale....I'am loosing weight and my old scale was inaccurate.
• 

  pettygrudger

  When I analyze my contributions to this world, I find myself lacking. Any memory of my existance[ecept for my immediate family] will vanish upon my demise. I have not "saved" the world with a miracle cure or brokered world peace. I have not contributed to advance knowledge by research. I have not even improved my own knowledge[ I have had ample opportunities] to facilitate my doing any of the afore mentioned things.

  So, what's wrong with now?

  My father went back to school at about your age - to become a teacher.

  You still have a life to live - just figure out how you want to do it.

  AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
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  mike047

  pettygrudger; I don't have the drive or interest to return to school[at any level]. There are thing that occasionally interest me and I take the time to learn more about them.

  I have figured out how to live the rest of my life, I accept what is laid before me and live with it. Adversity is my companion and does not even make me blink my eyes any longer. I just accept that it will be tough and go...every now and then, there is a smooth spot....but, I always know the bottom will fall out next....
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  mouthy

  Hey Mike I am The "Granny" on board . Can I tell you how much you brightened my day?

  Just to hear you have licked the drugs & booze scene to me is like music to my ears.....
  What an accomplishment.... I have a grandson who did 3 months for pushing... He is now licking it also. I had a son who liked his booze. He died at 46 ( he was a diabetic) but the DR told him if he didnt stop smoking & booze he wouldnt last till 42- he beat that by a few years.

  Mike look at your self in the mirror & tell your self "I have done something Thousands are trying to do...." Away to go MIKE!!!! this is the first day for the rest of your HAPPY life. Thank God you have the strength to do it. Yes I am going to give you a hug weather you want it or not (((((HUG))))

  Grace

  do"
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  Jesika

  First I wanna say........... HAPPY BIRTHDAY (sorry didn't see the thread till today)

  I can relate to the drug and alcohol situation. I was a stripper for almost 6 yrs and did drugs daily and drank from 11am till 3-4am non stop.

  I went through alot of downs, loosing my son to live with his father (this was before the stripper thing), getting divorced, no place to live, no family that would speak to me, and the list goes on.

  I struggle everday not to do drugs. When I talk about it my nose starts to run and I get figity. I start to crave it all over again.

  I have quit stripping as of Feb this yr, which was a huge thing for me. I stopped doing drugs as well with no hospital help or medication.

  I still struggle with alcohol but I have calmed it down immencely.

  You have done alot of good for yourself and should be proud of it and not look at life in such a negitive way. Even if something positive could happen a negitive attitude could prevent it from happening.

  Chin up sweety, it will be better. Don't settle, strive for things you want for yourself or maybe try helping others. It makes you feel good and makes others feel good as well.

  Love and hugs,

  Jesika
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  joannadandy

  Mike, I had to agree with a lot of what you had to say in your post. A lot of those feelings have echoed in my own life. Please know you're not alone in those feelings. I think lots of us go through it. This community especially probably has an especially high rate of people who have feelings have un-worthyness.

  But it's not true! You have probably touched so many people and you don't even know it.

  The only "bright" spot being my beating[at least for the moment] Drugs and Alcohol.

  That is an amazing thing. Something you should be so proud of. Addiction is so hard, and so many people don't understand it, and so many more, never beat it...but you are!

  I really wish you could see some positives (this is so ironic coming from me because I am the queen of self-deprication and self-loathing) but I hate to see people in pain and you obviously are. Please think hard, I am sure you have lots of bright spots that at the moment because of your present state of mind escape you. But they are there!

  I really hope you have someone you can talk to in your personal life. Perhaps a sponsor, a therapist, a good friend. You need to be with people right now so they can remind you how much are loved. Please take care of yourself...my thoughts are with you.