Well, I would like to share my own story about myself. Since alot of you don't know me and I shared a little about myself. Some even questioned the vadility of my deafness. I'm here to present my story about who I am and where I come from.
Although I have never been a Witness, I have been around JWs and Ex-JWs for nearly 15 years.
Alot of the abuse stories that ex-jdubs have shared over the years is something I can relate to simply because I too have been abused.
Most of the abuse growing up I endured were more verbal than physical. I have been hit quite a good number of times. The biggest beat up occured when I was 14. I've also suffered abuse outside of the family such as in school as well as the general public.
But first allow me to start from the beginning.
I wasn't born deaf, I lost my hearing at the age of 3 due to foriegn objects lodged into my ears, destroying most of the inner ear parts. I was playing in a sand box and grew tired in it. For some reason, I covered myself up in the sand box and fell asleep, leaving my nose exposed as well as my foot. My mother found me in the sandbox and grabbed me by my exposed foot and dragged me out. Some of the sands got inside my ear and it plugged up my eardrums, cutting off all sounds from going inside.
They remained inside my ears for 10 months. I would occassionally have ear aches during that time. The sands was never right up against my eardrum. During that time, no sound was coming inside my ear, so vital parts of my ear was not growing properly because sounds wasn't coming in to help them grow. There's a "snail shaped" part called the Cochlea as pictured below. (Scroll down) Inside the Cochlea contains hair cells. What it does that the hair cells contains auditory receptors and this is how we hear sounds. The receptors then take the sounds it "hears" and delivers them to the auditory nerve (to the brain) where the brain then translates the sound.
The problem I have is that these hair cells did not grow to the fullest, so very little sound is being delivered to the auditory nerve. The hair cells I have are like tiny little stubbles. (Less than a day old unshaven face.) It would take LOUD noises for what little of the hair cells I have to deliver the sound to the auditory nerve to the brain. In other words, I'm not 100% stone deaf.
I used to wear hearing-aids (but wore out 2 years ago, therefore I cannot afford new ones, but my name is on the waiting list on the Lion's Club to receive free donated hearing-aids.), the aids helps reinforce some sounds. I can hear loud spoken voices, but I cannot understand them. It's all garbage to me. So I cannot learn how to speak by learning what they actually supposed to sound like. I just wear them because I want to be aware of any kind of loud noises around me.
For example, in the plastic molding factory where I once worked at, some idiot stacked too many palets of virgin plastic material on top of each other. The palets starting cracking real loud and I hear it. I turned around and looked up to see the stacks starting to come down, I got the hell out of the way before it all came crashing down. If it hadn't been for my hearing-aids, it would probably have crushed me to death. That's one good example of it's use.
Anyway, my mother took me to see a doctor and he got a good look at my ears. He saw the sands plugging up my ears. So he pulled out a tool and started digging into my ears. Now that really hurt! I screamed to the top of my lungs and struggled as my mom was holding me down tight. Unfortunantly he couldn't dig them all out. So he suggested to my mom to buy a bottle of Baby Oil and pour some into my ear in hopes the rest will slide out.
So she and I went to the local drug store and bought a bottle. We then went home and she started pouring some into my ear. At first it wasn't working, since nothing came out. So she decided to try gushing the whole bottle into my ear. It finally came out. She then drove back to the drug store and got another bottle. She then did the same thing to my other ear and it all came out.
The damage to my ears was already done and my mother had no idea how much damage there was. She noticed before I wasn't responding to her before she took me to the doctor and I still wasn't responding to her after the sands was removed. I only had learned 38 words before I lost my hearing. (Over time, I have forgotten most of them. I still remember how to say "shoe")
By the time I had reached the age of 5, my mother decided to take me to an audiologist(s?) to test my hearing. I remember sitting in a office with a receptionist window. There was an oiled painting of some old guy on it. Didn't know who it was, but it was scary looking and I held on to my mom's arm while planting my face into her arm. LOL
Then some nice lady came and greeted me with a nice smile. She gave me a sucker. I grabbed the sucker, unwrapped it and loved every slurp. I had then already forgotten the picture of the old man.
Mom and I followed the nice lady to a room. In the room it had what in my memory of that age was a big silver box. On each end of the box had a door. The nice lady pointed to the door telling me she wanted me to go in, I looked back at my mom and she nodded her head for me to go in. So I went inside and saw toys all over the floor. There was also a small table and a chair.
The lady sat me down on the chair and mom was right outside the door. Mom didn't want me to worry so she stayed in my view while she spoke to the lady. The lady then came back inside, she grabbed one of those little red sticks and inserted them on the table that had little holes in them.Suddenly I heard a noise and I looked around, the lady waved at my face to get my attention. Again, I heard the noise and I saw her put the stick in the hole. The process was repeated until I was able to understand what I was supposed to do. (There were speakers inside the room, HUGE ones in fact, I just didn't know where it was coming from at the time.)
The lady then went to the door and pointed at the wall, I looked at the wall. I saw a glass window and on the other side of the glass window was my mom. She was waving at me and smiling. I waved back at her and smiled the same. The lady then closed the door and I looked at my mom and she was giving me a look of assurance that everything is ok.
So, I sat there and next thing I know I heard a sound, so from what the lady showed me what to do, I put the stick in the hole. So each time I hear something, I do what I was supposed to do. Anytime I didn't hear anything, I just sat there and waited. Next thing the door was opened, the lady came inside and grabbed one of the headsets. She put them on me while making funny faces and I laughed. Then she left and closed the door. Same process, I put the stick in the hole each time I heard a sound.
Then she came back inside and grabbed another headset, this time there wasn't any sound, it viberates instead. So the lady stayed with me to make sure that I am learning the idea of putting the stick in the hole in the same way as I am doing with sounds.
Then she came back inside, took the headset off, sat me down on the floor and gave me toys to play with. The lady then left, closed the door and I see the lady approached my mom and held some paper in front of her. I watched my mom starting to look upset. I didn't like that look and I started to become upset and ran to the door. I couldn't figure out how to open the big silver door, so I started banging on the door and screamed. The lady opened the door and I ran towards my mom and held her leg.
The reason why I didn't like the look was because (time warp back one year) at age 4, I remember playing with a metal toy tractor my grandfather had given me for christmas back home. I strolled on down the from the family room to the dining room. It was sorta dark, except for small little lights in the rooms. I approached to the outer door of the kitchen which had the lights on. I see my mom and dad arguing. Next thing I know, I see my dad hitting my mom. I screamed at the top of my lungs while sitting on my toy tractor. I kept on screaming even while my dad continued to hit my mom as if I didn't exist. When the beating stopped, I ran to my mom and held her leg. He looked down at me and looked at my mom and left the kitchen.
I then remember seeing my dad coming in the kitchen with a suitcase and he left thru the back door and I never saw him again for weeks.
From that day on, I hated my dad. I hated what he did to my mom. So I was very overprotective of my mother. Whenever I see my mom become upset, I would run to her and hold her leg. I would hate anyone for upsetting my mom for any reason. This included my brother who upset her as well. My brother and I never got along growing up. I haven't seen my brother since 1995 when he helped move me to my new home where I now live.
My dad and I never got along either. In fact, he made things worse in my life.
Anyway, to pick up and make it short what happened after the hearing test. I finally got my first hearing-aid which was called a body-aid (that's how we kids back then called it), I would wear a strap that surrounds my body and neck. In the middle of my chest would be a small metalic box that had a cord that goes to my ear. My ear piece would be fitted with a mold that was done earlier with a shot tube.
I remember when they shot the then liquid mold into my ear, some guy would look at my other ear and make funny faces at me and grabbed something out of my opposite side of my ear from where the shot tube was coming from and he held up a squishy ball and I would grab my ear and give a "HEY!" look at him and he would laugh.
So, my mom and I left the building and for the first time in my life, I would hear all sorts of loud noises all around me. Cars passing by me real close making a *whooshing* sound. There was a construction site not far from we left the building from and I would hear jack hammers and loud hammer noises. It felt really weird at the time. I was totally bewildered at the sounds.
Now, the problem my mom was facing next is where would I get my education? She later found out about Speech and Hearing Center in Bloomington, IN. Since I have a problem with some learning skills on account of my deafness, so before I actually started in a real school, I needed some kind of training first. So I wound up staying 2 years at the SHC where I was trained by a specialist. I stayed at the Exchange Home whom Ms. Harris ran the home. She was a very nice lady. She felt like a grandma to me. There's 2 seperate programs at the SHC, one teaches kids who are hard of hearing who to use their speech, so they can then learn how to aquire new words on their own. The other program was lip reading program, since I am deaf and cannot learn speech, I learned how to read lips. Of course I also learned how to read and write and do some simple math. It was like a kindergarden school. I also learned the finger spelling in the alphabet. But I was never taught sign language at that time.
After 2 years there, my mother wanted me to go to the Indiana School for the Deaf. That became a problem for my dad. You see, since after I lost my hearing, my dad wouldn't accept me anymore. In fact he was ashamed of me. He didn't want to have a "freak" for a son. My mother fought hard to try and get me inside the school. She took me there where I met some of the staffs there. I met the president of the school. They tested me to see how well I could do in school. I also took a manitory IQ test as well. The president of that school rejected me after seeing my IQ test score.
My mother couldn't understand why I was rejected. We found out years later in 1987 that this same president got busted for molesting children in that school. He served at the ISD for close to 30 years or so. He's serving time in prison now. We figured out the reason why I was rejected because my IQ test scored 146. I was too smart. He was afraid of me because I would get the smarts of what he was doing wrong and could report on him, thusly he could get arrested. He was taking kids who scored on average of 80, below and slightly above. He controlled the school very carefully, making sure that kids like me who scored higher than average never got accepted in the school. He was very smart in covering his crimes against children. So he had molested MANY children over the years and kept the kids silent.
When the news came out on his arrest. Kids from all over who attended ISD finally came forwards and gave their testimony to the police. It was enough to lock him up for good. He'll die in prison.
So, now I got rejected at age 6, now what? My dad forced my mom to put me in a hearing school where there was special education programs. HUGE MISTAKE. Why? Because there was also alot of hearing kids at that time. Plus this type of school was cheaper and dad didn't want to spend a whole lot of money on me for my education and didn't think I was worth it. In fact, it wasn't until years later I found out what the arguement was about at age 4 when my dad beat on my mom. Dad wanted me put away in a mental insitution. He didn't think I would ever be educated because I am deaf. He also didn't want me around at all. Like I said before, he was ashamed of me because I was considered to him as a "freak". Mom toed my dad and wouldn't stand for it. Dad didn't like that at all, he had to be the one who's right and wouldn't accept being told no. So he beat my mom because of it.
So here I am at a hearing school while attending the special ed program. Hearing kids would make fun of us because we were different. I learned sign language from hard of hearing kids who had deaf parents. Sign language was forbidden at the hearing school so I had a hard time learning from teachers who would turn their heads to the boards while talking and I couldn't read their lips.
The bullying and the teasing kept coming and I would get extrememly pissed off at them. Hence, my next 8 years of frustrations would result in having fights with the hearing kids.
Now here comes the big part that changed my life for the worse. At the age of 8, my dad wanted me to help him mow the yard. So I took a push mower and mowed the front yard and sides of the house, while my dad used the riding lawn mower to mow the big back yard. After I got it all done. I went back inside the house, laid down on the couch in the living room. I turned my hearing-aid off because I didn't want to be disturbed by loud noise that my mom could be making, such as vacumning the rug or making loud banging noises from washing the pots and pans, or my dog barking if someone came to the door.
As I am laying there snoozing, the next thing I remember was I was grabbed and pulled out of the couch. I looked up bewildered and was still groggy that my eyes was still blurred which made it difficult for me to read my dad's lips. He was shaking me and I could tell he was yelling at me since I couldn't hear it because my hearing-aid was still off.
So when my eyes adjusted to be able to read his lips. I was in total shock when I read his lips as he said, "You're a worthless sack of sh*t and you'll never amount to anything!" and he slapped me and left the room. From that day forth, something inside me died. Mom was there in the room and looked totally shocked. She held me as I cried.
Apparently he didn't like the fact that I was laying on the couch because I was tired from mowing the yard. He tought I was being lazy and hence he grabbed me and said all those life destructing words to me. I can still remember the slap on my face and still feel it as if it was yesterday.
From that point on, my life went for the down turn. I quit brushing my teeth, I didn't take a bath often. I didn't want to do my homework. I had no friends to play with and I didn't want any friends. I just stayed home and watched TV. I quit cleaning up my room. I was getting worse and worse as the years went on by. I didn't care about anything.
The fights at school kept getting worse. I spent more time at the principle's office than I could at the classroom. I got expelled one time from school for fighting. I hated the hearing kids who make fun of me because they reminded me of dad, so I would beat the snot of out them.
At the age of 14, I wanted to get back at my dad. I hated him even more than how I hated him at the age of 4. So I remembered that dad told me to never see him at work under any circumstances. So, I launched my plan to pay a visit at my dad's workplace. Dad was out of town on a business meeting, so all the more, the better. In case anyone at dad's workplace didn't believe who I am, I took my birth certificate with me and some family pictures. I had a feeling dad would never tell anyone about me. I packed them in my backpack then got on my bike and rode on down to where he worked. I met the receiptionist and identified myself.
Sure enough, she never heard of me and questioned my identity. I presented my birth certificate and family pictures. She looked puzzled.
I had also packed my notebook so I can communicate with the receiptionist and everyone else I could meet. told them I had never been here before. (They had seen my mom before, but she never brought me there because dad told her not to.) So I asked for a tour of the place. She called my dad's secretary and after presenting my BC and pictures to her, she too looked puzzled. I asked to see my dad's office. She took me there and I got a good look around. There was no pictures of our family anywhere in his office. I asked the secretary why dad doesn't have any pictures of his family in the office and she said she didn't know and he never had them in his office, ever.
So we left the office and we looked at other classrooms (this is a vocational college) and I met the teachers, staff members, the janitor, the security guard, everybody. They all wanted to know about me and I answered all the questions they had asked me. What's my age, what school I go to, how many brothers and sisters I had. How long my mom and dad had been married. Any question people normally ask when they first meet someone new, I answered them all.
Then I said goodbye and left. I knew then people would be talking about me for days to come and eventually dad would be facing the people and asking him questions about me. This would embarrass him greatly and I considered it to be the greatest revenge.
One day dad came home. He slammed the door as he came in the house. I turned around and see dad looking extremely FURIOUS! One look at my dad, I busted out laughing. I laughed so hard that I couldn't barely breathe. He stormed over to me and beat the living hell out of me. he broke my nose, busted out 2 front teeth. My eyes was swollen shut. My face was swollen. He kicked me in the chest and cracked two of my ribs. He kicked my balls. He kicked my ass. I felt extreme pain in my ear, he bruised me just about everywhere in my body. My mom was not home at the time so I was alone in the house at the time. Mom was out shopping for groceries.
Then the beatings stopped and I felt him going upstairs because I knew the vibration well ( I later found out from mom that he went to take a shower, trash bagged his clothes so he could dump it later because it was covered with blood, but he never got that far). Mom came home and found me on the floor holding on to my chest. My eyes was swollen shut that I couldn't read her lips. She immediately called for ambulance. I couldn't see anything what was going on, but mom handed me a piece of paper and pencil and I knew what she wanted to know. I wrote down "Dad beat me" and that was it.
So I remember some pair of hands that felt unfamilar to me. I felt someone pressing my chest and I would groan when it hurts. I then felt a needle being shot on my arm. Then another needle stayed in my arm (which I learned was an IV). I remember feeling being lifted onto a bed and I remember being moved and lifted again. (An ambulance of course) and I remember the ride and feeling my mom's familar hand holding my hand. I was scared because I didn't know what was going on on account of the fact I couldn't see a thing. Not being able to see a thing was more scarier than not being able to hear a thing. To make the story short, I remained in the hospital for almost a month.
When I was able to open my eyes, the first face I saw was the nurse. I made a gesture for a paper and pencil. I wrote down asking for my mom.
Mom came in and held my hand and smile at me as she stroked back my long hair. I asked my mom what happened to dad. Her answer came to a BIG shock to me. Dad did go to jail, but mom refused to along with pressing charges against dad and since I was 14 at the time, I was underage to be able to press charges against my father for beating me up. I had to be 16 for the cops to take my complaint and press charges against him. D%$@ INDIANA LAW!!!!!
The cops did find my dad's trash bag full of his clothes that had my blood all over them. They took it as evidence. They arrested him and spent only a day in jail. The reason why mom refused to press charges was because he was her only source of income and she was too old to remarry. That was her reasoning. I was extrememly angry not only at my mom, but also at my dad for beating me up, I was also pissed off at the current law at that time. They had no choice but to let him go.
When I got home from the hospital. First thing I found out that when dad kicked me in the chest, he destroyed my hearing aid in the process. He also hit me in the ear where my earmold was at, he ruptered(s?) my eardrum and I was bleeding from the ear. Thank goodness the damage wasn't as severe as it was originally thought.
So I stay home for 3 weeks before I went back to school. I still had some bruises on my face from the beating.
The kids saw the bruises on my face and made fun of me. When I got halfway up the stairs heading for the second floor. one kid pointed at me and laughed at me. Something inside me snapped. I grabbed the kid by the hair and pulled him towards me, I kneed him in the groin. Then I grabbed his head and bashed his head against the wall. I did this several times and I dropped him on the floor. He was out cold. The math teacher upstairs saw what I did and called the cops. They came and arrested me.
My mom came for me several hours later and bailed me out. I don't know what the bail was and I didn't care. Dad was nowhere to be seen and mom drove me home. I went straight to my bedroom and slept all day and night.
The next day mom showed me some papers. It was a date I had to appear in court for a hearing. Mom asked me why I did what I did. I just looked at her and shrugged my shoulders. I didn't feel like answering her questions. She then showed me a paper from school that said I was expelled (I was at the 8th grade at the time).
I went to the hearing a few days later with my mom and an attorney. I just sat at the chair fidding on the notepad and never once looked up. Then we all left afterwards. Mom showed me the papers after we got home and it was trial date and my attorney had pleaded not guilty on my behalf. The date was set for next month.
So I spent most of my time sleeping in my bedroom and didn't want to talk to anyone. Until the trial date came. Mom and I met up with the attorney at the hallway and we then went inside the courtroom. The same as usual, I just sat there, fiddled on the notepad and never once looked up. There was no jury trial because of my age. It's just the judge, the prosecutor and my attorney. The trial lasted a day. After it was all done. Mom and I went home. Mom showed me the papers from what the judge had given me as a judgement. 4 years probation. I had to keep my nose clean until I turned 18.
What I didn't know until much later in my life was that the parents of the boy sued my parents for the head bashing I gave him and what I didn't also know was that I cracked the boy's skull and left him in a coma. I didn't know any of this until I came back from Center on Deafness when I got well mentally and emotionally. I discovered all this at the age of 20.
So, the next 6 months I've done nothing but be depressed and stayed in bed. I would wake up late at night and watch TV. So I slept all day and watched TV all night. A classic case of the depression.
My mom wanted to talk to me, but I won't talk to her. I also felt betrayed because she wouldn't press charges against my dad. My anger was so deep and my depression was getting worse. I began to beat on my mom because I had no idea how to convey my feelings and I didn't know how. Dad would beat me up because I hurt my mom. It was a yo yo of a situation. I couldn't beat my dad because he was bigger and stronger than me. So I took it all out on my mom instead.
My mom was so worried for me that she sought out help for me. She found a special case worker that agreed to look me over. The case worker was intruduced to me as my school tutor. (They didn't want me to know who she really was and the real reason for her being there)
She began to work with me while pretending to school me. She would give me some cover work like math, science, history, etc. I would constantly fight ger off because I didn't want to do the school work. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep. But little by little she got me to cooperate with her. Then come to some essays she wanted me to do. (This is what she was goaling for) At the time, I had already started watching the reruns of Dark Shadows on TV. So she used that show as a basis to get me to write my essay in order for me to open up to her. We were together for like 3 months. Little by little, she got me to open up about my feelings. Feelings about my dad, my mom, school, the teasing from the hearing kids, etc. Then she told me she had to leave and I felt really down because I thought I found someone who could really listen to me. I went back to the same pattern of sleeping during the day and watching TV at night for about a week. Someone else came and replaced the social worker and it was a male. Same situation all over again.
About a month later, mom said we're going on a trip. So we got in the car and we went to Illinois in a city called Des Plaines. (that's about less than 20 miles north of O'Hare Airport) We went inside a school building and proceeded to go upstairs. I passed a sign that read "Center on Deafness".
From there I met the President of the school. Then I met the Exective(s) Director of the school. Then I met the teachers.
Then I was taken into a room and was told to wait there. So I just sat there and waited. A lady came in to the room and began to talk to me. She asked me all sorts of questions. She asked about me, my family and my social life. She then had me fill out some papers with questions on them. She then left. Later my mom and the president came and got me. We went downstairs to where they call the Day Room. I met many deaf teens and adults. I was kinda shy with them since I had pretty much withdrawn from being social friendly with people.
Then mom and I drove home.
About 2 weeks later, my mom had packed up my things and told me I'm going to be away from home for a while. I didn't want to leave, but she assured me that I would be alright and I would be visiting home every so often. So, I arrived at a dormatory like home and mom and I checked in. We were given a room number where I will be staying for a long time. Mom was in tears when she said her goodbyes and I was crying too. She got in her car and she was gone. So here I am on my first day at Center on Deafness for the next 4 years. The year was 1981.
The school was great. At first I was very anti-social for the next 6 months. But thing was rolling on after that. The school gave me the education I needed and much more. I began to realize it was more than just a school, it was a thereputic school as well. Helping kids and adults learn to live and adjust to their deafness like my own. They also taught me how to talk about my feelings. They gave me tools for me to learn how to deal with my anger and how to respond to the hearing world.
I was loving the education program. I absorbed whatever I could learn and often times I would teach myself other things on my own.
Visiting my mom at home during the holidays was great, but I longed to go back to CoD because I had a lot of fun there.
After 4 years there, I took my GED test and flunked it at first. (It's a non-profit organization and they do not take federal support from the government, so I have to take the GED test instead) So, we some more homework, did alot of memory refresher of everything I learned and took the test again. This time I passed.
Then it was over. It was time for me to leave. and I didn't want to. But it was time for the bird to leave the nest and go out on my own.
So mom came and got me and we drove home. To a new home. I was like "What the...???" I found out my mom had gotten fed up with my dad and she left him. Sold the house and moved to Noblesville, IN so she can be close to the rest of the family, like my sister and brother. I was so happy for my mom and I really loved the new house. She had bought the house in October 1984 and I had left school in July 1985.
A little background with my family... My mom was an alcoholic. She started drinking when she first found out about my dad cheating on other women. His cheating later resulted in having a son from a already married woman. So I got a half brother out there. He found out who's his real father thru a blood test that didn't match his mothers or "father's". He confronted his mom and she confessed he's my dad's son.
My brother turned to drugs and alcohol. He couldn't take my dad's verbal abuse either.
My sister went into a 5 year bout of depression, but held out on her own. She suffered physical and mental abuse from her first husband. They later divorced a year later.
My brother abused his then live-in girlfriend who they have been together for 3 years. She left him and he regretted it. He's remarried now and has learned his valuable lesson from his previous relationship. He doesn't abuse his wife at all.
Mom finally quit drinking in 1987 after she entered in a rehab after I persistantly pleaded with my mom for 2 years to quit drinking. She had been alcohol free to the day she died in November 28th, 1993.
My depression came back after my mother died. Although I knew better and sought help. I was placed on depression medication and maintained counseling for 2 years.
Then I found a girl of my life in 1998. We were together for 2 years before I popped the question. She said yes. The night before our wedding, she changed her mind and backed out of the wedding. Pretty soon I was out of her life and I still don't know to this day why she suddenly backed out and ended our relationship. I never judged her. I never yelled at her. We had some arguements over some things we disagreed on, but that was normal in a relationship, no couple can always agree on everything. She was a little overweight, I didn't care about that. She had diabetes. Didn't bother me a bit. I'm still racking my brains trying to figure out what went wrong.
Then in January 2002, after 5 wonderful years working at Meijer, I quit my job because I could not stand the kind of discrimination I had to endure with a new Team Leader who transferred to the new store in November 2001. She has major problems with deaf employees. There was eight us who are deaf when she came in and today there's one left. That left me depressed as well.
So my depression is back and I'm still fighting my depression even to this day. Even had suicidal thoughts as well.
So, this is who I am.
I guess "THE END" is appropriate to end my posting??
And sorry for my lllloooooonnnggggg post. But I wanted to make sure you know exactly who I am.
Edited by - Yizuman on 11 December 2002 18:14:11