In my case, my wife had questions of her own in her past. She was inactive for a while and continued to be inactive for a few years after marriage. Then we both started studying (it was my first time but not hers). There was a few bumps during the study time as the elder who conducted it was a bit in the arrogant side and he said a few things to upset her. We moved pass that and for a few years we lived a pretty normal life. You know, normal as normal gets, but we were not hard line JWs (Oral sex is amazing!LOL). It took me a good part of 10 years to get to the point of baptism (longer in her case). After a death in the family she got more resolved to get to paradise. I was beginning to doubt but wasn't even considering reading "apostate" material. I remember that every now and then we would find out about something bad (like I remember when we first heard about the Conti case) but they were mostly open ended conversations. As the org was getting more and more cultish, I began to do more research. Eventually our conversations got more serious until one day she realized I was not backing down from the conversation but rather sounded like a dissenter. Off course, she doesn't care about men (as in the GB) but she felt I was ranting against God. Her first shock was the idea that something that we did together for so long was coming to an end. Then she began to question my real motives. For a while, this seemed like a sore side that was never going to go away. I began to stress a lot, even realized I was having some symptoms of PTSD (burst of anger for seemingly small issues, even against my kids sometimes). My job was getting stresful too so that did no t help at all. Eventually she told me she accepted my position but I had to accept hers. I told her that she was asking me to accept something I felt would hurt her or us in the long run and I could not easily do that. Fortunately for me, such statement would cause her to ask me why, rather than ignore me. It took many tears and long conversations.
I tried steering the whole conversation, not to wether the cult was right or wrong but rather ask simple questions, in many different forms. If they can be wrong and change things, why do we have to have this fight? If i am concerned, which part of "love" does not allow to listen to my concern? If I came to you and told you I had cancer, would you give me the cold shoulder just because the decease is inside me and not you? I know we don't share the same view, but inside of me I have a concern regarding this organization and you don't want to help me address it. It does not sound loving to me. Do you realize that I can not even voice my thoughts in front of my own family? I know you won't give me away to the elders, but our kids are too young and if I said anything and they accidentally mention it to anyone, what would happen? My own family is being used as a means of rooting out dissenters. Is this what Jehovah had in mind when he created the family union? What ever happened to being one flesh? In a nutshell, I tried to make sure my choice of words said to her that I needed help, not that I was trying to tell her she needed to re evaluate her belief. Sometimes she would go to great lengths to tell me that even if this was wrong, she did not know another way and that other religions did bad things too. She claims that if it wasn't for this religion she would be a total bitch and that I would have probably left her by now. I told her that I understand that but just because they made her a better person, they were not entitled to anything. I told her it wasn't them who made her a better person, it was the bible. But even if she wanted to credit them for teaching and showing her, I said, would you let our neighbor come and please himself on you every day because he save you when your house was caching fire? Obviously the answer is NO. I said, you can thank them for it but you don't owe them anything.
Did these and many other questions lead to her waking up? No, not at all although it should have. This much work (I am talking about a year worth of suffering) was what it took to just get her comfortable enough with the idea of us discussing difficult subjects without feeling attacked. I think she began to realize that these old farts (GB) were not worth her marriage and family. She is now much more willing to look and research, although I think she is at a state now where she is reading stuff but thinking she will not let this bad press alter her faith. We've discussed several subject together and even looked at some of the JWFacts articles together. All in due time.
Sorry for the long post but I know what it feels like when you need some positive encouragement.
