Jack Handey

meadow77

For those of you familiar with SNL, you will remember a great philosopher named Jack Handey. Here are my three favorites Deep thoughts of all time. Share yours

Meadow77 of the trying hard to provide fluff for Farkel class

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

Mum

Hi, meadow. I like Dr. Laura's advice, which goes something like this:

When you bury your head in the sand, don't forget that the other end is sticking right up in the air.

Ever in search of wisdom,

SandraC

Surreptitious

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

Bendrr

I loved "Deep Thoughts"!

"If trees could scream would we cut them down so much? Probably, if they screamed all the time for no good reason."

Mike.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Kismet

A few other classics...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Big Tex

I want to make the world safe for our children. But not our children's children because I don't think children should be having sex.

Whenver I feel like killing someone I take a Jack O'Lantern and stick a knife through it with a note that says, "You". And then I leave on their doorstep. After that I feel much better and no harm done.

funkyderek

Some more...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Edited by - funkyderek on 17 December 2002 7:33:8

breeze

As the main promoter of the "It just doesn't matter" CLUB, I must summit than as a philosophy.....

Join today......it's free....

I also like.....

"This too shall pass"

"Nothing lasts forever"

meadow77

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis.-Love that one kismet

Breeze-what exactly does your post mean?

Other Jack Classics

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.

Jack Handey

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