Stopping by again to say a big hello to known kindreds and newbies to the board Ive yet to meet and greet.
I am so thankful for my job. The atmosphere at work is awesome. People of all races, abilities, disabilities, religions and hair colors work there. Theres piercings and jeans, sneakers and dreadlocks, rockers, djs and degree holders and all ages. People bounce balls in the aisle while on hold for the tech dept and vent about the callers who think life owes them credits each month. But it distracts me from the pain of all the hard stuff about losing love. Speaking of which
I called Lloyd one night from work as he said to call when I needed him for something and his skank (my name for her) answered the phone. I was paralyzed and thought Id gotten the wrong number until I was finally able to choke out is Lloyd there?. She had the ohhhh shit, I shouldnt have picked the phone up this time timidity about her. I started off with a joke well I guess thatll teach me to call you from now on and it ended with me breaking down and saying that I didnt know the skank had moved right in and hung up. I broke down in the cafeteria and was instantly surrounded by a lot of caring people. While embarrassed, I was thankful.
Next morning, after numbing myself to sleep, I was online talking to my niece who informed me that she had met skank and that she was too perky and neat, and that she was glad to have an aunt like me she could talk to. (info was offered not asked for) I lost it again, feeling utterly humiliated by the fact skank had been introduced to the family which also means my step-sons, who I know love me and always will. Its been a horrible go.
Id like to clarify at this time that my anger at her is misdirected I know full well I should be pissed at him. For now she is skank, and until I move through the grief, I refuse to accept her as a life form. Id also like to clarify that I could never return to Lloyd after what hes done. Ive had to (and have to) re-evaluate many things regarding that relationship. Its only been 2mths since the jerk dumped me in an email on thanksgiving morning, after leading me to believe things were going great. I do deserve better. And hes made a huge mistake in what hes chosen. Hes lost me.
I want to love Christmas, but its so hard. Father made sure each and every holiday was full of blood and broken everything. Its a lonely time of year full of beautiful colors shimmering in crystal clear icicle nights. Oxymoron. I volunteered to work xmas eve, day and boxing day to get the overtime hrs. Plus, itll keep my mind off loss and heartbreak. My girls are working as well, but my mum is coming for the holiday, which Im looking forward to and were going shopping after xmas to get the sales. Next year I want to adopt a family instead of giving presents at home. I find giving so healing. It leads to the best kind of receiving.
Im without a bed now. Our two kittens decided to use my waterbed bladder as a scratch post and caused two major leaks. Im draining the bed today and have been trying to sleep on the couch not much sleep. (kittens are lucky they're cute)
As for xmas I suggested comedically that we should have a mouthy xmas as mum needs dentures, beth needs her wisdom teeth pulled and Shelene is in the process of getting braces. My girls got a chuckle outa that one. I just want to make it through to new years. While Im sure divorce #2 lays in the next year, its day by day, and all in all, Im counting my blessings. Things always happen for a reason. And so what if I lose it from time to time! Sanity is highly overrated.
Huge hugs to all of you. I say it each time and its true I think of you often and have been lurking but unable to post due to withdrawing into my shell for protection. Too much rejection and the dubs had a lot to do with that one as well. Odd thing is each one was ten years. Marriage numbah 1, the dub-time, and marriage numbah 2. Bizarre eh?
I think Im back now. Oh.. this Friday I get a new email addy cos Im finally ditching the phone monopoly here. Ill post it for those who want it when Im set up.
Mimilly/Salem