Awwwww, you guys are too sweet!
You have all heard the expression, "You don't really appreciate something until it's gone?" Well, I'm here to tell you the opposite is just as true.
I never knew what I was missing until several years ago. If I had known how much better life could be....that you don't have to go through life totally self reliant and alone, with all shields up and force fields at full power...I couldn't have endured those preceding years if I'd known what I was missing.
I was raised a dub, grew up in a very abusive, dysfunctional family, married the wrong guy, had a couple of kids...lived a life feeling like a good little dub, but really so alone. I learned at a very young age to never display any kind of weakness...you became a target. I learned to shore up my walls and depend only on me...because I was the only one who I would never let down. Even in my first marriage, I was the strong one...he relied on me to be the stable one, and take care of things if he couldn't...which became more and more often as time went on. Even in my relationship with Dana, my only sister...we just weren't that close. She had her life, I had mine...we were both struggling with our own personal growth. I am ashamed to admit I shunned Dana years ago when she was df'd...but again...it wasn't that terribly painful for me because I had my walls up. As you know, those walls are like a thick membrane around your heart...yes it keeps stuff from getting in...but it also keeps stuff from getting out. What a sad way to live your life! I can see it clearly now, and I am sad for those years lived in a cocoon. The only true love that got through those walls was for my kids, that gave me a taste of all that I was missing in life.
Fast forward to several years ago. It's funny how the life changing events in your life seem to all happen at once. You barely have time to grasp them all, and appreciate the changes they are going to bring. Dana and I were struggling with our JW issues together...for the first time truly communicating our feelings. Yes, we were scared to do it...it was a risk, but for the first time in my life, I offered unconditional love to Dana. I said (to myself) Screw the Watchtower...she's my sister and I will support her no matter what! The Watchtower has ruined her life to this point, and if they think they can make me abandon her again...they're wrong! And I didn't...and she didn't leave me (emotionally), and I began to taste what that felt like. And I liked it!!
Around this same time, I was separating from my previous husband...I was scared to death to try to make it on my own with two teenage boys, but in reality...I was already on my own and had been for years! Doug was also going through a horrible separation from his alcoholic ex wife...she made the Devil seem like Shirley Temple. Doug and I worked together, and already had a great deal of respect and friendship building, so of course I offered him emotional support during his troubles. He didn't really know about my own troubles (remember, I had the walls up...I didn't need anyone else to help me?) So, here was the defining moment in our relationship...I hope he doesn't mind my sharing this with you.
We were at work, and he was leaning up against the wall across the room from me...and he just gave me this look...it was different than he had ever looked at me before...and he said "You know Tracy, if you were ever free I'd snatch you up in a heartbeat." That was it....one of those defining moments in your life, where the rush of emotions and thoughts is so tremendous, you can't take it all in. I blushed furiously, told him thank you, and smiled at him in such a way as to say...there's a lot more I'd like to say when I'm not so damn flabbergasted! Needless to say, I soon informed him that I was indeed separated and on my way to being free.
The next few months...and of course the last 4 years (we lived together in sin first , and let me tell you baby...it was great!) saw those long standing walls of 30+ years that I had carefully built around my heart, come tumbling down. I tell Doug he bulldozed his way right through them, but honestly, he was never unfeeling about it...he just refused to let me retreat into myself and revert to my old habit of quietly licking my wounds and finding the strength to deal with stuff on my own. He will not let me do it. This has brought about tremendous changes in my life! I don't even know if I can properly express it.
For the first time in my life, I truly have a best friend. Someone who sees all of me, the good and the bad, and still thinks the good outweighs the bad. He knows that I'm a damn strong woman, and he respects that...but he also knows my tender spots, and carefully cherishes those. I now know what I was missing all those years before...I was actually missing out on living.
With my walls down, I can love my children even more than I already did...I can love and appreciate my beautiful sister for the amazing woman that she truly is...I can love myself for being human and having weaknesses...most of all, I can truly love and trust another human being with my heart and soul...and know that he will never let me down. Doug, you are my soulmate. You saved me from a life of emotional darkness...as I know I saved you. Thank you.
Tracy
