Nita
I wrote something and posted it last night. In case you haven't found it here is the link
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.aspx?id=43881&site=3
"Til death do us part"
You might find some of it interesting or helpful
(((Nita)))
I am confused......Any opinions???
by nita6368 44 Replies latest social family
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nita6368
Sentinel, I agree his family has not had the burden of supporting him since I have been around. thanks for your wishes, I am making steps to get out.
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nita6368
ughhh...my computer is being difficult!
breeze, thanks for the advice the craziness has been going on 3 years and doesnt seem to get any better.
John, I agree with you and I am tired of having to support an adult whos capable of supporting himself. he could earn big bucks because he has years of heavy equip experience but chooses to stay at a less than 20k a year job because its close to the house,4 miles and he doesnt want to work nights or weekends, so we struggle.before I came along he didnt even hold an outside job but worked for his dad and his dad paid his bills, crazy, huh?
Lady Lee, I loved the article and I have been feeling guilty but I realized I have held up my end of the vows.
Good news, I spoke with my two older boys and they can't wait to leave, I was afraid they were attached. he has been really hurting their feelings. "out of the mouths of babes"! I will keep ya posted
John,
One more thing...for the last probably 2.5 years my marriage has been a struggle everyday...some good times mostly turmoil for me that is, he doesnt have a care in the world. Was your marriage like that? Where you had to struggle everyday just to keep going?
Edited by - nita6368 on 5 January 2003 17:56:5
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buffman
Man, let me tell ya. We started having a hard time with the biz 2 and a half years ago. She wanted a new 30 grand car and said she'd get a job to pay for it, but what she made wasnt good enuff and we finally bankrupted and EVERYTHING went back. She quit her job within 30 days of me telling her we were going bankrupt and hasn't worked full time since. The last 2 and a half years she hasnt filed taxes (doing the books was her only job) and now that I have finally left, she still wants to bleed me dry. Plus have me pay all the back taxes. Trust me, what you are going through I can totally relate to. As soon as I left she quit her part time job that paid decent and worked for her dad so she could have her wages manipulated to make her look impoverished and try to get alimony from me. Anyway, I'm close to the end of my fight (I hope) and now shes trying her best to make things hard. Amazing how a good JW can act and still live with themselves. Good luck with your fight. I really hope it goes easier for you than it has for me. :)
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Stan Conroy
Personally, I think you have to decide what is best for your children first, then yourself. Seeking the opinion of strangers on the internet may not be the best way to base such a big decision as this. Only you know and fully understand the depth of your situation, and only you can find the correct resolution. (I speak from experience)
Now all seriousness aside...
BTW, didn't the NASCAR stuff tip you off that this guy is a big kid? Where I come from, people who are obsessed with NASCAR are viewed as "rednecks".
( I hope that offends you NASCAR rednecks out there!! ;-))
Stan
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nita6368
Stan,
I was just using this discussion forum as a sounding board and would not base my decision solely on what anyone said whether I knew them personally or not. Sometimes its just good to hear like stories and "hey your not crazy!" As far as the Nascar, he didn't become a "fan" until Dale Earnhardt died , then he became the ultimate fan. Do I think he is a kid...yes. When I say he has nascar stuff , it is floor to ceiling on two walls and two walls, midway up. The ceiling in the room is 14 foot. The walls are covered. See he jumps on the trend bandwagon. First it was hockey memorabilia. We worked through that period and several thousand dollars. Then it was wrestling memorabilia, didn't stay there long. Now it is nascar. As I said before, he was a kid with my checkbook, it just took me awhile to stop believing him.The first time I took the checkbook he discovered paypal, now he's not on my account.Thanks for your advice :)
John,
Good Luck to ya I hope it's nearly over. I am hoping mine goes a little easier than that. I am hoping he just gets out and looks for someone to take over payments!I think thats where I came in, in all honesty.I am sure he will try and look impoverished also but I am retaining the receipts from where he has been working for his dad, he makes $26.00/hour when he does.But he doesn't consider that income just his extra money.Now that I am not supplying him with extra money all of a sudden the work for dad has stopped. I believe he is still doing it afterwork, he gets home about 3 hours before I do. He always has money in his wallet, I on the other hand....Unbelievable the stuff we can get into and the time it takes for us to realize how bad it is and get out. I hated to not believe and put trust in someone even though my instincts and intuition told me other wise. I am going with the instincts and intuition from now on. A lesson learned I guess.
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nita6368
See What I mean?
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Hekate
Well hello everyone
I'm new here, having been lurking for a while. But couldn't help but say something here!
It never ceases to amaze me how people are always so willing and quick to play amateur psychologist.
1. Because they have nothing better to do?
2. Because they love meddling in other peoples affairs?
3. They love hearing their own voice (or seeing their posts)?
4. They think their opinion is so worthy they put it on other people?
5. Have grandeous ideas of becoming a psychologist without the hard work to go with it?
6. They have had or are in a relationship that hasn't/doesn't work, so every other relationship that doesn't work must automatically be catalogued along with theirs?
Why do so many ask for advice or opinions from people who are really not in any position to give advice or opinions.
Is it because if you did finally make your decision and stay/leave you wouldn't have to take full responsibility on yourself?
If a person want to leave then they should leave, if they want to stay then they should stay. Or else get advice from someone in a position to give it!
Just look at the posts to see how many of these people give advice, when they can't/couldn't make their own relationship work.
What chance has anyone elses relationship got of working following this kind of advice?
just my 2 cents worth
Hekate
Edited by - hekate on 8 January 2003 3:7:44
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nita6368
Excuse me Hekate?
Life is a pretty good teacher and while these individuals may or may not be psychologists (you need to watch who you are putting down there are many phd holders on this board!) they have many years of life's experience behind them. What would a psychologist tell me? They would tell me to leave, to take care of my children first,myself ,then worry about others. I know that, I knew that before I posted this. I am a social worker and deal with these kinds of situations everyday. But you know what, its a little harder when its yourself. It's easy to cast judgement when you are removed from the situation. So I wasn't looking for a solution or an easy way out on this board but what I was looking for I found...a little fellow feeling, some encouragement, some support. There are many on this board who had long happy relationships and I would take there advice alot quicker than someone who has never been in a relationship but has been through 8 years of school and read alot of books. As far as me not taking responsibility on myself, you don't know me or anything about me. I guess maybe I didn't understand the meaning for your post, seem strange for a lurkers first post to be one tearing down the other posters but hey to each their own.
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Hekate
Well, I guess you got exactly what you aimed for, everyone agreeing with your point of view!
Seems to me though that everyone who replied had less than half the correct information to go on.
Reading between the lines I get
1. You are focussed MONEY
You make the statement often that you earn way more than him. Proud to earn 3 times as much as him.
Maybe he has a problem with money, but maybe you do too.
2. You are focussed on what this nasty man says to your precious boys.
Sorry lady, most 'precious' boys that are brought up in broken and breaking homes are in the 'dificult to deal with' class and he is probably simply having a great deal of difficulty dealing with their cheek and other forms of rebellion that he can do nothing about and you probably dont even see. It sounds to me like he feels frustrated in his position as nobody in respect to your boys.
He may be jealous, but more than likely he just feels out of place and irritated by them. You have said nothing of your efforts to help him adjust to 2 teenage boys, likely with them 'challenging' him at every opportunity.
You mention that his marriages broke up at 3 years and say that that means he is no good at it, but you failed at yours too. Unless you feel that wasnt your fault, in which case why are you so confident that his breakups were his fault? Obviously you may have some facts that we are not privvy to, but that simply means that my previous post was correct and that you can really achieve nothing in a relationship by posting a few words on a forum.
Also reading between the lines (actually almost stated by you) you want this marriage to be over and you have already taken steps to do it. You seem to just want the comfort of hearing that you are doing the right thing.
Sorry to say though that with such skimpy info as you have provided their input means nothing.
I have very little to go on to make the statements I make, this is true. But it is at least as much as the others have posted, I have just not gone with the flow and looked for the obvious.
As I said previously, you had already stated you earned more than him, so why go further and state that you earn 3 times as much unless you really are focused on the money and actually look down at him for not earning enough. Sounds to me like you dont think he meets your standards financially.
All the previous posters have jumped in and judged your husband quickly on the few words that you said. I am judging you on what you said.
See how easy it is to be judgemental?
It seems at first that I am against you. However, perhaps the person that has had no say in all of this needed someone to speak for him? That is me.
Hekate