If YOUR Child Was A Pedophile, What Would You Do?

by minimus 29 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  teenyuck

  I wish I understood the parent/child connection. I just don't.

  My father left when I was 12. We had very little relationship and he was not there for the good in my life let alone the bad.

  My mother has been around, however, she is an enabler of my dysfunctional, emotionally and mentally abusive sister. She will do anything for my sister's acceptance and attention. My sister's behavior has cost my mother thousands of dollars. All while my sister was an adult.

  Her response to me when I question why she keeps up the sick relationship (which my sister has denounced numerous times) is "I love my daughter, no matter what....I would give my life for my daughter. You don't have children, you cannot understand the bond. I love her unconditionally."

  I just don't get it. I would and have walked away from my sister. I don't feel that I am doing something wrong by not "supporting and loving" her. She has not raped or killed anyone, however, with her words she has hurt me almost as much.

  I see no reason to help/support/unconditionally love/etc someone who abuses the love you have to give.

  With the dysfunctional family I grew up in, I really don't value family like most here. My friends have been much more supportive over the years.
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  safe4kids

  Hi Teenyuck,

  I'm saddened to hear of what you've been through with your family. I think you hit the nail on the head when you labeled it dysfunctional. I can relate to much of what you've described, as my mother and the rest of my family save my sister have supported my oldest brother, who molested me and others for years. This is not what I and many others are talking about when we say we would still love our children, even if they committed horrible crimes.

  I've never expected my mother to stop loving my brother; however, there's a difference between continuing to love someone and rationalizing, excusing, and denying their harmful behavior. THAT is dysfunctional. Loving my child does NOT mean allowing him/her to escape responsibility for his/her actions. In fact, I think that is actually the opposite of real love. Sometimes, and it sounds like this is what you've done, we have to detach from those who cause harm, even tho we may continue to love them. I've detached myself from my family as they are harmful to me and I don't choose to accept that dysfunction in my life any longer. This doesn't mean that I don't still love my parents. I do.

  I also do not offer any judgments for those who do NOT feel love for family members who have caused great damage. I am merely trying to point out that we can totally let go while continuing to feel love.

  Dana
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  funkyderek

  Love for my children is unconditional - they could be serial killers & I wouldn't stop loving them

  If your love for your children is not based on who they are or what they do, when you say you "love" your children do you just mean you're closely related to them?
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  RubyTuesday

  To me the meaning of love is to have a deep affection for someone. How can anyone have a deep affection for a pedophile....blood relative or not? I believe people think that if they don't "love" their own children then they are a bad person. Apparently the parents that have little or nothing to do with their children...have no deep affection for them....therefore they really don't love them...just my opinion.
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  teenyuck

  Hi Dana,

  You said:

  I've never expected my mother to stop loving my brother; however, there's a difference between continuing to love someone and rationalizing, excusing, and denying their harmful behavior. THAT is dysfunctional. Loving my child does NOT mean allowing him/her to escape responsibility for his/her actions.

  The denying, rationalizing and excusing the harmful behavior is what my mom does. Not with me mind you, however, for my sister she will excuse the most outrageous behavior. She refuses to accept that my sister is responsible for her decisions and the way her life has gone.

  That was a great way of putting it, thank you.

  funky, that statement is what my mom says.
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  SheilaM

  Love for my children is unconditional - they could be serial killers & I wouldn't stop loving them

  My children know my love is CONDITIONAL, the condition is to act as I raised them, I raised them to be good loving responsible people.My children can make mistakes anyone can but pedophilia or willful murder or rape is not an ACCIDENT. A child of mine that would TAKE SOMEONE'S LIFE and in this instance multiple times. First the guilt I would feel for creating such a monster would kill me.

  To Lin, I think your instance though is different your child was abused that is a whole different ball game, not that it lessens in anyway what he did to your daughter. BUT it does show the need to STOP pedophiles from destroying others lives, if your son HADN'T been abused by a PERVERT I'm sure he wouldn't have acted out. In this instance neither of my children(Thank GOD) have been abused, so they have no damage that causes one to act out.

  To Min, who asks volitale questions but answers in a very short fashion: My loving my children the way I have has MADE them very good kids(a little nerdy LOL just jokin) I have not had the problems from my two that the "unconditional loving Mothers have" I also TALK to my kids when they won't talk I write them, write poems and if all else fails yell or cry. I ASK them about issues like this and YOU KNOW WHAT my kids think it's disgusting that someone will be on TV saying "oh not mine blah blah". My daughter has a six month old and can't imagine not loving her but when I posed this question you know what she said" I would love WHO she was to me, as a baby and a child but I couldn't love the persone she HAD BECOME". I think if more people felt this way there would be fewer Dahmers,Bundy's and hell dub's <that last part was a joke...er kinda>
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  outnfree

  See? I don't think love for ANYBODY is "unconditional". I love my children desperately, but when they are wrong and behave badly (and I'm not even talking big-time immorality here, like pedophilia), they are wrong, and I don't feel loving towards them. When they act in a hurtful manner towards me or others it diminishes the love I feel for them, and I think this is what derek and LB and some of the others are pointing out.

  When we, as ex-JWs, have parents, siblings, children and friends shunning us, does not our love for them suffer because they have chosen to turn their backs on natural affection? When a child disappoints parents over and over with drug abuse or theft, (again, let alone murder, rape, pedophilia), gets thrown in jail, back out, back in, etc., wreaking havoc in their own lives and perhaps their children's lives as well, can they still be expected to be loved in the same way as the siblings who are lawabiding and responsible? I don't think that's reasonable.

  We love people for being a part of us, yes. All that "blood is thicker than water" stuff, where you might give a relative many more chances/opportunities at hurting the relationship than you would EVER do for a friend or acquaintance. But eventually, one has to say "enough!" Because the erring child (young and anti-social or old and anti-social) is abusing the emotional connection, is taking advantage of the inherent love in the blood relationship.

  Fortunately, when love is diminished because of bad behavior in a "normal" family setting, there are other times when good behavior tilts the scales back to a very wonderful loving relationship, where everyone can "feel the love" so to speak. Usually, the setbacks are small and ultimately inconsequential, and damage to the long standing relationships is minimal. But not always.

  If any one of my children committed a crime, I would urge them to turn themselves in. (Just like when I made them return candy or gum when they were little if they'd filched some.) I would accompany him/her to the police station. I would NOT condone the crime. I would NEVER say "my child right or wrong!" I would feel shame and heartbreak. If s/he suffered from an addiction, I would be the biggest cheerleader as s/he attended rehab. If s/he had stolen merchandise, I would consider the debt to society paid after the jail time was done/goods were returned/fine was paid. But if my child were stealing innocence from younger children, addicted to the cruel power that forced sex gives one over the victim, as a pedophile, I would find it very, very difficult to look that child in the face, let alone embrace him/her.

  Would I fondly remember the child's birth, toddler years, school triumphs, family vacations, holidays, the fabric of our lives PRE-KNOWLEDGE OF HIS?HER CRIME? Yes. But I would be so very hurt that a child of mine had betrayed the CORE VALUES that I tried so hard to instill in and model for her/him, that the love in my heart would be so crowded out with pity for the victim, sorrow for myself and other family members, guilt that I hadn't done enough as a parent, that there would be little room left for warm, fuzzy feelings.

  If my child were an admitted pedophile, I would find it very hard to even sit on her/his side of the courtroom during the trial. I might rather not show...
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  AGuest

  It would truly depend upon my child, the circumstances... may you all have peace... and the attitude (dear Lin, may JAH bless you and your family and help "heal" what has been "broken"... with your son AND your daughter).

  I raised my children with certain... ummmm... understandings and expectations, as we all have. But that does not mean they will always adhere to them, as "life" proves again and again. IF my child committed a heinous act AND my child was also the previous victim of such an act AND my child felt truly sorry for what they themselves had now done... my love would remain, to the same degree it always did. I would hurt terribly, and work however many jobs to pay however much money to get them whatever help THEY wanted, of course. But they would know already what my answer would be to "should I turn myself in"?

  IF my child was NOT the previous victim... but is sorrowful... I can only hope that their sorrow for the act is genuine, and my love would remain. If it became a problem, I would, in that case, have to pray for the spirit of God that is "long-suffering" and MAKE myself continue in my love. Again, the answer regarding turning his/herself in would be the same.

  IF my child was a previous victim, but not sorry for the act, I would at least try to get them help. I would continue in my love... until I knew for certain that such lack of remorse was their OWN doing, versus a result of THEIR molestation.

  However, if such lack was due to their own doing, or in the instance that my child was NOT a previous victim and was NOT truly sorrowful (and it is upon me, then, to KNOW my child... not as I wish to "see" them, but as they truly ARE...), then I would have to disown that one... to my own great heartbreak. I would have to, because my personal opinion would be that I am sending a message of acceptance of such an act being carried out without any rhyme or reason without remorse. And I cannot. And I would call the authorities myself... if not, put him/her to death myself (why should I let his/her blood come to be upon anyone else? I brought them in... I should be the one sitting in jail for taking them out. No one else. Don't think I could hold my head up on the street anyway.)

  But... that's me, and that's how I feel now. One would have to be in such a position to truly know.

  Peace.

  A slave of Christ,

  SJ
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  minimus

  For those that might think that I do not give enough of my own view toward the questions that I ask, I will state it as simply as possible.If my child had pedophile feelings or had committed an act of pedophilia, I would try to get that child the best help available. Would I hate or disown my own child? I don't think so. Of course, this situation has never happened to me before. Would I shield my child if they were a murderer, rapist or pedophile? No, I wouldn't. Would I always look at my flesh and blood with some measure of love? I would hope so.
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  happyout

  I think the term "unconditional love" is one of those overused terms that everyone says to try and pretend that people don't get angry, disappoint others, and just generally screw up. The love a parent feels for their child is not based on the child's actions (at least mine is not) because since people are imperfect, love could not continue to exist based on that. My answer to this interesting question is simple, my love for my son dies when I do. Just because I think something he did was heinous would not stop the fact that I love him. I would hate his act, I would hate the pain that he caused, but I would love HIM. I would not shield him from responsibility for his actions, that's what's wrong with a lot of people today. I think people are confusing love with agreement or approval. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you approve of their actions, or agree with their actions.