The Grand Drama (another neurotic post)

by DanTheMan 17 Replies latest jw friends

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  DanTheMan

  OK, y'all know I'm a head case, and this is one of my typical head-case posts, so you've been warned. I'm sure the Bethel monitors love my neurotic posts. ("See what happens when they leave?")

  One of the characteristics of a radical movement like JWs is grandiosity. As JWs we saw our lives as part of a cosmic drama being played out, a universal play in which we played an essential part. Of course this grandiosity is hugely appealing to someone who has no confidence or self-esteem. The WT propaganda machine constantly reinforced this notion, from book titles (Revelation - It's GRAND CLIMAX at hand) to assembly parts and dramas, it was all by design that we saw ourselves as being on stage.

  A few months ago I was talking with my bro-in-law, a confident and successful software engineer. He said that he has no problem with the idea that "this is all chaos". I was astounded by this.

  I am a person that desperately craves the certainty that I had as a JW. In some ways I really have come to regret leaving the JW's and learning all I have. If it wasn't for the fact that I was so completely heartbroken over a romantic situation that occurred in 2001, I might still be there today (going to meetings anyway, I never went d2d). Ignorance can be bliss. I was a miserable JW, I never fit in at all (but that's always been true of me regardless of the situation as I am quite socially inept). But I wasn't so damn fearful and hopeless as I am now. I often think of going back (even though it would be a crazy ordeal to do so, having DA'd myself and being a known 'postate). I am such a weak and fearful person. I really did function much better when I had the mind-numbing 5 hours of indoctrination every week. I feel like living in the black and white JW fantasy world is better than the bleak and chaotic reality of life in this mad mad mad mad real world.

  My question to all of you in ex-joho-land is, how have you learned to cope with the randomness and uncertainty of life? How do you cope with the fact that you are going to die? And that on balance none of our lives mean very much? Many ex-JWs seem to think that all is fine in the world and the WT misled us into thinking that everything was so so bad. Well, I'm sorry but things do seem pretty bad! I live in paralyzing fear, and it is making me MISERABLE. I almost feel faint when I see the newspaper headlines. I still feel such fear and contempt towards the mass of humanity on this earth, the same feelings that I had as a 22 year old when I started talking to a JW girl who was in a college class I was taking.

  I joined the Watchtower to escape from my hated miserable self. And what an escape it was! Now that I've left I'm having to deal with me again. No fun, trust me there.

  How do you learn to feel good about yourself and your life in spite of all? I can't seem to find the way.

  Sorry if my posts are negative and depressing. But I need to get this stuff out, it just builds and builds to where I start thinking about suicide.
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  William Penwell

  I have said this before to others but I have learned to love myself first. That I am whole a complete in myself and no one in this world can make me any more complete and whole. Once I have learned that, then I was able to start make sense of everything with that perspective. I do choose to turn to a belief it will be my choice and no one else's. I do have an appreciation for spiritual and deep things but I keep those to myself.

  Will
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  refiners fire

  Jesus X Christ, Dan.

  I dont believe Ive actually sat and read one of your posts before beginning to end, but now I have, and Ive seen nothin quite like it before. Considering that youre a known apostate I dont see how you can think about going back. Can you unlearn what youve learnt? I dont think so. Well, dont forget, Adam and Eve DID eat of the tree of KNOWLEDGE. Bummer. If only we didnt have bad experiences that we got stuck with forever, replaying them in our minds constantly, reinforcing the negativity we felt. Lifes tough, what can I say? My recommendation is A) that you read an Anthony Robbins book like "Unlimited Power" and consider reprogramming yourself. alternately B) That you live dangerously, pursue the wild and crazy, push the envelope a bit. Maybe it will kill you, but at least it wont be dull. After maybe 10 years of extensive self destruction you will reach (maybe) the point I have reached, content to stay home and watch the TV.... Thinking it "significant" that you are doing it, even.
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  wednesday

  My therapist told me, that eventually most people question their religion. It's a part of becoming an adult, he says. With jws, they say they have all the answers and just follow them..when i realized they didn't have all the answers, and they were very unloving, i felt shocked. It felt very comforting having all the answers, unlike the unwashed masses. while they groped-i was all smug with the answers. that is why u want to go back. It gives us a place to belong. Being a part of a group. But u give up so much. Like ever having an independent thought.

  I would suggest u get some therapy. First u need to find out "who" u are, what your feelings are(not what the jws told u they were) and get some self esteem. Going back to the jws to get self esteem can only be accomplied by selling lots of mags.. Also, if u really need a group to feel u belong, there are so many groups u can join that will give u fellowship. Off hand, i would ask my therapist about a social phobia group. Going back will only put a patch on a festering wound. u need to find out why u have such low self estem and for that u need therapy. Your goal is to try and be a happy person, one able to make decisions. If after u have had some therapy, u still chosse, to go back, then go back. But they will treat u like dog poop, being an apostate. Why submit to that?

  Th problem her is not whetehr u are a jw or not, the problem is u have low self esttem and are unable to make decisons and feel ok about them. Serioulsy, i would suggest talking to a therapist, to help find out what has caused these feelings.
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  SixofNine

  In the big picture, I guess people like you are just so fundamentally different from me that I'll never quite "get" where you are coming from.

  I read your post, and I want to slap you like Rhett slapped Scarlet, except with better reason. Ok, here's what I don't get, you (and people like you) say:

  My question to all of you in ex-joho-land is, how have you learned to cope with the randomness and uncertainty of life? How do you cope with the fact that you are going to die? And that on balance none of our lives mean very much? Many ex-JWs seem to think that all is fine in the world and the WT misled us into thinking that everything was so so bad. Well, I'm sorry but things do seem pretty bad!

  What I don't get is; what the deleted changed when you happened to learn something new? You thought (a) was the answer, but (b) was really correct all along, and now you know the answer is (b). So what changed in the world? Only one miniscule thing; your understanding. Why pretend that that is such a big deal? The sun will come up tomorrow you know? Whether you deleted well believe it or not.

  How do I cope with the fact that I'm going to die? Well, dan, I didn't like that realization one bit more than you do, maybe even less, but still, what the hell else am I supposed to do but cope? Did anything really change when I found out I was going to die? Hell no, I was going to die all along. Now I'm going to die a more intelligent person. Do you not find any comfort in being informed? I mean, geez, you're just more informed about facts that are mostly immutable.

  As for this:

  I still feel such fear and contempt towards the mass of humanity on this earth, the same feelings that I had as a 22 year old

  *shrug* Attitude is everything, and your attitude is a bad attitude, why not use your new found freedom of information (and love, for that matter) to change it. Perhaps just growing up would help too. It's not a good idea to cling to the same life views you had at 22. I think I speak for the mass of humanity when I say, "Dan, dude, we don't feel like we deserve your fear and contempt, man. We're all just, like, grown up babies dude."

  How do you learn to feel good about yourself and your life in spite of all?

  I felt immediate relief from overwhelming depression when I got free of the bad doctrine of the WT. Learning what garbage the bible is helped me alot too. In the clear moral air of reality, I'm not a bad guy, so why shouldn't I at least tolerate, if not like and love, myself? But you seem to have had your self loathing from well before becoming a witness, so I hope you'll approach your problem from a more realistic perspective than what we can give you simply as ex-jws. Counseling, medication, fatty acids, comedy shows, petting zoos; whatever it takes to give yourself a break, find it, do it, I hope you will.

  email me privately for more abuse anytime.

  Edited by - Englishman on 3 January 2003 7:37:8
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  refiners fire

  Quote: One of the characteristics of a radical movement like JWs is grandiosity. As JWs we saw our lives as part of a cosmic drama being played out, a universal play in which we played an essential part. Of course this grandiosity is hugely appealing to someone who has no confidence or self-esteem. .............................

  An interesting thought Dan, My Mrs always says to me that being a dub and living under the shadow of impending death and doom at any moment.....well, when you leave that worldview behind.....weeding the garden on a Saturday afternoon just doesnt turn you on the same. I mean, its not very exciting. My Mrs says Ive got a "Black hole" in my life that nothing can fill, except the drama I feel compelled to create, such as stalking the next door neighbours dog up the street at 3am with a meat cleaver while naked. That type of thing.

  Edited by - refiners fire on 3 January 2003 2:18:27
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  moreisbetter

  One question to ask yourself. "What do I really want?" "Really, truely want?" Only you know the answer, and yeah, you do know it.

  You asked:

  "My question to all of you in ex-joho-land is, how have you learned to cope with the randomness and uncertainty of life? How do you cope with the fact that you are going to die?" the sun rises, the sun sets; we are born & we die. I believe those things are the only certainties in this universe. Everything else in life that occurs has the posibiltiy to be changed. Or prevented. I don't think I fear death, not because I want it, but the thought of everlasting life was by far more frightning due to boredom! I've learned to substitute the word difficulty with challenge; uncertainty with adventure and many others. I'm not perfect at it, but I keep pracitcing & it really helps.... I have control over my life and accept the responsibilites of it as well.

  "And that on balance none of our lives mean very much?" Well, there i have to disagree. I now believe my life means something; how much is up to me & the definition of those whose lives I affect. I believe that of most all humans Have you ever stopped to think where the ripple effect of a random act of kindess you initiated will end? For example, you started this thread, which has and will receive excellent, beneficial responses; which may enable the voice of one reader or an epiphany to another. That in turn, will cause a change in that person which will have an affect on all those around them which in turn.....you get the picture. Well doesn't that mean something?

  "How do you learn to feel good about yourself and your life in spite of all? I can't seem to find the way". That may seem like the case at this moment and can be very overwhelming. Well, take a deep breath, then another and relax. Are there at least 5 things you can think of that your good at? you have strength in? 3 things? 1 thing? Yes you do. Remember a time when you loved, or gave or felt gratitude. Relive this experience in your mind this way, see what you saw, hear what you heard & feel what you felt. Is it a good memory? Keep remembering everyday.

  "Sorry if my posts are negative and depressing. But I need to get this stuff out, it just builds and builds to where I start thinking about suicide" I will speak for my self in that I don't need an apology for your post. Its my understanding that one aspect of this board is a support group. Therefore there are many here that are happy to offer supoort. So, then get it out; all out. We will listen and help where we can.

  my $.02 Love & take care. Theresa
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  Robdar

  Dan,

  Sure the world is a scary place. But it was still scary even when you were a JW, you just didn't notice it. All the bad things that can happen to you out here in the "real world" can happen to you if you are still a witness. Stay busy. Find something that you like or love to do. Give some of your energy to helping make the world a better place. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or help out with other charitable causes. Fear accomplishes nothing.

  Besides, all you have to fear is death anyway. Well, death and prolonged sickness. Well, death prolonged sickness and being mauled by wild animals. Okay: death, prolonged sickness, being mauled by wild animals or becoming homeless. No, wait: death, prolonged sickness, being mauled by wild animals, becoming homeless or being blown to tiny bits by a weapon of mass destruction....No, I take that back: death, prolonged sickness, being mauled by wild animals, being blown to tiny bits by a weapon of mass destruction or the airplane you are in falling from the sky. No wait.....

  Although you may feel safe at the KH, you are not. Life is a crap shoot. Might as well enjoy what you can.

  Robyn
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  SYN

  You could become cannon fodder for a suitcase nuke tomorrow, dude! So, live each day as if it were your last. Relate to people. Challenge them, learn from them, love them.

  That's about it!
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  Debz

  Hi Dan... Its easy to feel that way when you leave something that has has been your whole life and a when you do a feeling of the unfamiliar can occur. I tend to think leaving as a process of re-developing / socialising / inventing yourself as your true `self`. This can be confronting and challeging but also rewarding, you begin to learn what your own values are and what is really improtant to you. Life is good on the outside....just allow it to be..!! Debz