Mim , it looks like you are on your way to a stronger you. And that is a wonderful you. You seem to understand so much about how I feel ,and even how my mom must have felt. That means alot to me, because for years I blamed myself. I got over that when I became a mother and went thru the same depression and hopeless feelings that I saw in her face so many times.
Tonite I was watching a movie, and there was an actress not sure if you know her,,,, Gena Rollins, she was in that movie Hope Floats with Sandra Bullock........ well this other movie tonite she was in, she was sobbing, really crying,,,,, and I got a flash back of my own mothers sobbing ,,,, I mean it hit me so hard I felt pain in my throat and chest,,,,,,,, all of a sudden I hear the cry of my mom, a sound I thought I had forgotten,,,,,, the kind of sobbing someone does when they feel so hopeless.So tonite I can't sleep good because of that flash back .
That actress by the way,,,,,,, has always reminded me and my sister of what my mom might look like today if she lived to be 53,,,,, she was just 35 when she died. So we always like to look at that actress and wonder if she would favor my mom at that age. There are other similarities of that actress and my mom,,,,,,, they both seem to love silky pj's , seems like every movie I see her in she is wearing nice PJ's ,something my mom had a fetish for....lol. My mom had red hair but it was a family trait that the older the red heads got, their hair didnt turn grey,,,,, it turned cornsilk blonde. This actress has that color hair. I saw my aunt , my mom's older sister a year ago after her son shot himself....... can you imagine that really runs in my family,,,,,,,,, and she had blonde hair too, and looks alot like the actress too. It is just strange to try and look so hard for someone who will remind you of your mom.
Sorry for rambling,,,,,, I just miss my mom terribly tonite,,,,, and I am glad you see that your daughters would never be the same if you were gone by your own hands. They will need you until the day you die an old ,old woman. Don't deprive them of the privledge, the honor,,, to hold your hand when it is your time to pass on,,,,,, and be there with you, I know I for one live for myself first ..... but also for my hubby and children. My kids know about my mother and my youngest is afraid I will die and talks of it frequently. I can't imagine leaving them,,,,, but I have at times just like you ,,,,,just wanted the pain to go away..... and really not even sure WHY i was hurting so bad.
I have done so much better since leaving JW, and I hope that the rest of my life will be full, that I can see my kids grow and succeed, grandkids,,,, me and the old man together in our rockers,, and then be surrounded by all of them when my time comes. I will consider my life worthwhile if I can be remember with tears of good memories , good laughs, and not remembered for my sorrow, or pain, or all the stuff I remember about my mom's last days.
Stay strong Mim,,,,,,,, it took alot of courage to tell your story,,, and it will probably help some out there that have not spoken up,,,,,,,,,, but will listen to your words.... Thanks for sharing your life with us.......... Hugs, and hugs,,,,,,,,, Dede
