Why did I fall away from the truth???

by JNS2 29 Replies latest jw friends

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  JNS2

  No, I don't think it is the "truth" any more, but for 22 years I did. That is what makes this so very difficult to come to grips with, admitting that I wasted all that time as a mindless drone. (borg) Anyway, I've been trying to analyze why I have fallen away. I never studied as much as I should have, I never was able to read the Bible every day, I did not get to all the meetings, I never managed to read the daily text every day, I did not read all the literature as it streamed out, I rarely read the releases cover to cover as they came out at the assemblies, I rarely read the WT & Awake cover to cover each week, I quickly studied the WT for the Sunday study (underlined so as not to feel ashamed if someone noticed), I didn't pray as much as I should have, I was never as zealous in field service as I should have been, I assiciated too much with "worldly" people, & on & on.

  I always secretly wondered how everyone else was doing in these areas but never asked others straight out about it. I suppose I didn't ask because I didn't want to be asked. It was as if there was a silent code not to put anyone on the spot, but I wondered about it none the less. If I became spiritually weak because of this, then maybe that's why I fell "out of the truth".

  I wonder, among all the ex-JWs here, are there some who were exemplary in all these areas that still managed to come out from under the control of the WTS? Are there some here who can really say they were doing all the things we were told to do to stay "spiritually strong" that managed to get out anyway? Was keeping our noses on the grindstone almost constantly the means of keeping us in the organization?
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  TR

  Welcome JNS2,

  You pretty much mirrored my experience regarding WT studying. Hard lesson, huh. I think most 'hovahs had and are having a very similar experience.

  TR
• 

  acsot

  JNS2:

  I don't know if this will be any "comfort" to you, but I was super-Dub. Special pioneered, served where the need was great, learned two other languages to serve in foreign language groups (which was one good thing to come out of the JW experience - all those meetings and field service certainly help when you want to become fluent - I learned Spanish better than some lawyers here at work who spent two years in Barcelona in post-graduate studies).

  I read everything, and I mean everything. I love to read so it was no hardship. I even read Insight on the Scriptures from cover to cover. If anything, it made me have more doubts. I repressed them for as long as possible, then the Dateline program came on T.V., then I found the SilentLambs website, read about Jesika's experience, found this website, then the scales fell for good and I realized with great relief that it wasn't me who had the problem, it was the WTS.

  However, I don't feel it was all lost time. As mentioned, I am now fluently trilingual, have traveled extensively, visited Israel, Egypt, many other countries, much of it due to JW contacts, so I certainly did not waste all of my time. I do recognize however, that being single has aided me in being able to accomplish things in spite of the WTS. I don't have the responsibility of looking after young children, thus I have more time to devote to other things; being single I don't have to cope with a die-hard JW husband, a definite plus, etc. (you get my drift).

  Maybe what I'm trying to get at is that I was able to pursue activities which I would have done anyway, JW or not (i.e. learn Spanish, travel, get involved in other cultures, etc.) so I'm taking those good experiences with me as I start to extricate myself from the WTS.

  Staying "spiritually strong" in the dub sense will not prevent the light from getting through to a thinking person. You (and I) "fell away" because we were able to see the truth about the troof.

  Congratulations.

  (this may be rather incoherent - I'm at work and trying to post in between tasks)
• 

  LittleToe

  I used to ask others about it, then encourage them that I couldn't keep up, either.
  I only met one "sister" who managed it (she had a wealthy husband, and didn't work). Everyone else struggled (and I had asked hundreds), with some becoming depressed and feeling unworthy (hence my encouragement).
• 

  out4good3

  I always secretly wondered how everyone else was doing in these areas but never asked others straight out about it

  The WT flourishes under that veil of secrecy they encourage amongst the r\F anyway. You are always encouraged not to compare yourself against brother and sister Zealous because in truth. I believe if you asked them they'd have to admit that they miss meetings, studies, readings, just as much. It much better for them to collectively assume that whatever you're doing, it's not enough and that you always could and should be doing more. No one will ever measure up perfectly with all the rules and regulations of the WTS.
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  NeonMadman

  I wonder, among all the ex-JWs here, are there some who were exemplary in all these areas that still managed to come out from under the control of the WTS?

  I don't know if anybody really could have been totally exemplary in all areas as a JW. No matter how much you did, they made you feel as if you should be doing more. So at what point could you really feel like a success? You could always increase your activity, no matter what. That's part of the guilt trip they inflict on you. They'd love you to think that you "fell away" after becoming "spiritually weak" because you weren't "doing enough". But the catch-22 is that you could never "do enough," so anyone who leaves the organization is automatically in danger of feeling guilty about it, unless they realize that these attitudes are just part of the mind control that the organization uses.

  My suggestion? Stop thinking in their terms. You didn't "fall away," you came to your senses. You recognized them for what they are - a mind-controlling, falsely prophesying cult. Now you have to work at divesting yourself of all the little vestiges of their brainwashing, including the guilt-inflicting, self defeating idea that you left their group because you weren't good enough to cut the mustard. The problem isn't you, it's them.
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  undercover

  I understand what your saying. I became inactive before really letting the doubts surface and cause me to investigate. So did I succumb to Satan or did I come to my senses were feelings that I had for a while.

  It helps to see the "super" pioneers, elders, etc. that have come forward in here to say that even though they were considered zealous, they had doubts that led them to discover the truths about the WTS.
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  Carmel

  I guess I have to take exception to the terminology here. "Falling away" is too much like the old biblical alegorical account of a "bad god" tempting man who "fell away" from some idealized state or existance. From my perspective, when I left the borg, it was a climb out of a dark cave toward the illumination of freedom of thought, freedom to pursue ideas and thinking the society tries desparately to keep their members from invesitgating. "Falling" is not part of the process. Awakening, would be a better verb.

  carmel
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  JNS2

  Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies. It is so comforting to have a place like this to share this common experience! I just had to add in regard to "falling away" I absolutely agree that is a bad expression. Climbing away would be a better expression. Climbing out of the darkness, seeking the light? It reminds me of when I "stepped down" as an elder. What a terrible expression, I guess I must have been in some elevated position. Amazing delusions for too many years.
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  Mutz

  I read everything I could when I was first baptised, I had a pile of Watchtowers and Awake going back years plus older publications too. After a while when questions started to come into my head and I saw the hypocrisy within the org I started to falter with my study. You have to remember too, the constant guilt trips we were subjected to were all made to make us feel we were inadequate when it came to studying the societys indoctrination materials.