Subconsciously breaking the bonds?

by acsot 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  acsot

  I wonder if any of you who are now DA or just faded have consciously or subconsciously done what I seem to be doing lately. That is, cutting ties with people. Actually, it's probably something I should have done before. I don't mean cutting ties with people who are obviously abusers, etc. just with "friends".

  Example, last year, before I ever started thinking about leaving the borg, a JW friend called me up one evening to chat. No big deal , but when I heard her voice I thought "oh not again!" She then complained about a sister in the hall, lacking maturity, etc. and I thought "I've had it. This is over." I was also in the midst of preparing my income taxes so was in no mood for self-righteous ranting!! LOL

  I cut the call short and didn't call her back. She called me, this time I was smart enough to check my caller ID and didn't pick up. She called again a week later. I didn't pick up. I didn't know why exactly the thought of talking to her irritated me so much. I mean, we had been doing lots of stuff together, she considered me her best friend, but something was bothering me. I didn't call her back. Then she phones my mother (!), then calls me at work, I told her I'm busy, can't talk. I knew I didn't want to be her friend any longer. Why? Had no clue.

  I was in effect cutting the strings.

  Then yesterday and this morning a "long time friend" and I exchanged some "in your face" e-mails. I've listened to this sister for hours and hours and hours over the years, through all her self-made crises, trying to be patient, wasting my time listening to her self-righteous prattling. I guess I had had enough. Even her mother once told me "you know how XXXXX loves to be the center of attention", and I guess I had been unconsciously feeding into it. I was rather abrupt in my e-mail, in effect telling her to grow up (she's 40 something).

  Cutting more strings.

  the weird thing is I dreamt last night about her and her husband, it was at night and they were leaving from someplace and her husband turns to me and says "good bye". In English, which is not his language. Was it a sign, or was I just preparing myself for what I knew I had to do?

  I know I will eventually leave the borg, am I merely preparing the way for myself now? Anyone else done stuff like this?

  Or maybe my real "inner bitch" is finally asserting itself!!!
• 

  Satanus

  maybe my real "inner bitch" is finally asserting itself!!!

  No doubt it's the real you coming out. But it's not a bitch for sure! As a dub, you probably suppressed a lot of your natural feeling and reactions. Suppression breeds anger, which you likely also suppressed. When one finally gets in touch w a deeper self, part of the real self, there is generally a lot of anger stored up. It needs to be released. It's necessary for ones own health. Anyway, don't feel guilty or ashamed of your natural actions. Guilt and shame are just more tools the wt uses on people. Guess what, your getting an 'early resurrection', ha ha.

  SS
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  acsot

  you probably suppressed a lot of your natural feeling and reactions. Suppression breeds anger, which you likely also suppressed. When one finally gets in touch w a deeper self, part of the real self, there is generally a lot of anger stored up. It needs to be released.

  SaintSatan: Thanks. I never thought of it that way. You're absolutely right, I do feel that the "me" that was buried for so long is coming out. Ah, freedom! Ain't it great!
• 

  kwijibo

  I have been out for over a year now but my wife is still in and i have found my anger was quite hard to keep down for quite a while, mostly against workmates or kept internal. I have always been quite easy going but i guess that was my meek and mild christian spirit.

  Lately i feel i have been settling back down probably because it has taken that much time to cut ties with the few people i still see and the elder that insists on visiting me and just happening to always bring another brother along. But i have been able to be non comittal and have said each time that i want to be left alone but they seem to not get the message.

  I think you just have to get over being timid and obediant and finally just say what you think.

  F&%k em. I want to decide what i want for a change.
• 

  blondie

  acsot, sounds like she used you to whine about others in the congregation. I had a "friend" like that but when I said I could no longer listen to the "gossip" about others, I found her calls stopped. I am realizing how many people just use each other at the KH whether it is to kiss up to the elders. Ask any elder who has stepped aside or his wife how many people suddenly drop you from their A list of conversation at the KH. People use you for monetary reasons wanting to use your toys. Their your friend as long as you have a pool, snowmobile, jet ski, nice big vehicle, can keep up with their financial social calendar of eating out, going to all the movies, buying the newest video games.

  Well, may you continue to learn and see who your "real" friends are.

  Blondie
• 

  DanTheMan

  Their your friend as long as you have a pool, snowmobile, jet ski, nice big vehicle, can keep up with their financial social calendar of eating out, going to all the movies, buying the newest video games.

  LOL! You must attend one of those wealthy suburban congregations like the one I was in for a number of years. Lord I racked up some debt trying to keep up socially there, with all the golf outings and the like. Funny how now the idea of going golfing with a bunch of JW's is one of the most nauseating thoughts I can come up with!

  As far as the topic of the thread, I went through the a lot of the same sort of thing last year. I had stopped attending meetings, and I stopped returning calls from elders and friends. This was before I started visting websites such as this one, so I was still somewhat of a believer, but I just couldn't stand JW world anymore.

  The book Captive Hearts Captive Minds makes mention of the fact that most people who leave cults initially are "walk-away believers". That is, they don't leave over doctrinal issues, their leaving is more of a subconscious survival mechanism. The totalitarian world of the cult becomes too much to bear, and the subconscious mind starts to say "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!!" The conscious mind catches up later. This was true of me, and it sounds like this may be what is happening in your case.
• 

  acsot

  DanTheMan: I've added that book to my "to read" list; yes, I do feel as though I am becoming "me" now that I am fading from JW land and getting out more with others. Last week I went to a Robbie Burns (the Scottish poet) night with some people from work.

  I laughed to myself when I thought of the JWs at the hall, sort of a "if they could see me now" scenario in my mind's eye - associating with worldly people (gasp!), at a Masonic Lodge () and raising our glasses of alcoholic beverages in toasts to everyone and everything imaginable (gotta love those Scots) I was certainly doing my utmost to leave JW land behind. And felt wonderful. It's good to get to know myself.
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  bay64me

  I can identify with what you are saying. I have been severing my ties gradually, over a period of time.

  Moving house has been helpful in putting a physical distance there. I don't call the people that I used to anymore and I am learning to become more independant.

  One drawback that I have noted in all of this though, is that I have become a little isolated. That is not always a bad thing as I like peace and quiet, but I think it would be healthier to make new friends for myself.
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  blondie

  Yes, Dantheman, I have the book on my must get list too. My husband just rolls his eyes, but he reads them too.

  Blondie
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  SixofNine

  In the first case, it does sound like an "inner bitch" coming out. It's just rude, the woman has feelings, why would you trample on them for no other reason than the annoyance and inconvienience of letting her down in a more loving mannner? I assume that when this all shakes out, and you're not a witness anymore, you'd still like to be someone decent and likeable?

  Having said that, I won't preach too intensely. I'm guilty of some similar behaviour, and I too can't quite figure out why I was so willing to drop certain people. Maybe cuz the friendships were a bit (or in some cases more than a bit) forced in the first place? Not is some cases though, and I think I just feel an almost disgust, or revulsion, at someone I like, care about, being so brainwashed, so lacking in freedom of thought. I think my action toward them is a reaction to the feeling of helplessness towards helping them, combined with a reaction to my knowledge of how they would treat me if I let them know what I know.

  Also, you're likely in that stage of beginners awe, lol, at the freedom you experience when you go out and have a toast with people, sans any judgement of them or yourself. The "world" represents 100% freedom of thought, and JWs, any and all JW's, represent a 100% soul killing, stifling drag on your newfound humanity.