advive needed

by DIAMOND 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  DIAMOND

  I'll try to keep this simple. How do you tell your nine year old daughter who is your reason for living and who thinks the sun rises and sets with her daddy. That you know longer want to go to the meetings anymore. That you don't believe this crap and that its all bull. How do you not look like the bad guy in the marraige because everything was cool when we were all going to the meetings as a family and now that you go only on Sundays its chaos.

  I can always go and keep things halfway normal but its such a chore to go when I really don't want to.

  If any of you have children then you feel my pain. I can't stand seeing my daughter hurt.

  Diamond

  KNOWLEDGE MEANS CHANGE
• 

  dmouse

  I know how you feel DIAMOND, and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

  It came to the point in my life too that I could no longer go on living a lie, and I told my wife that I would not be going to anymore meetings. She was very upset, as you can understand.

  The worst part was my little girl Charlotte coming up to me in tears and saying how she'll miss me after Armageddon. It was horrible.

  The only comfort I can offer, and this goes for so many in similer situations, is that it will get better. My children now at least understand my decision to leave and have all but joined me. It's taken many years but hopefully they have seen the contrast between me and those who only pretend to love them while they are still in the same club.

  I think it unlikely that my wife will ever leave the JWs but at least I think I have saved my children.

  There's no easy answer I'm afraid, but the pain can be lessened with the knowledge that you are doing the right thing.

  My thoughts are with you,

  Dean.
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  Vivamus

  ((((Diamond)))) I cannot give you any advise out of experience. My mum however always was honest with me about things, and I have always appreciated it. She'd just tell me her reasons for things in a calm way, and tried to make me understand.

  Take care sweetie.
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  Undecided

  I can't give you any advice, it's too complicated for me.

  My circumstances were different when I was divorced by my JW wife of 16 years. I married a Church of God member who had two children by her deceased husband. I didn't have any children. We later had a daughter together. I tried at first to take them to the KH for a few times but she was to smart to fall for it. I wouldn't go to her church so we both just stayed home on sundays to have peace in the family. I was tired of the JW routine anyway and there were things in her church she didn't like either. I really didn't know what she taught the children about God, but they turned out to be loving people who believe in God. I didn't teach them anything about religion but just loved them. They sometimes go to church, and I sometimes go with them for a special event, but they know that I think religion is the product of someone's imagination. I don't try to influence them and they don't preach to me. We have a good, peaceful, loving relationship. It worked out good for me. I hope you can find something that works for you.

  Ken P.
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  xjw_b12

  Diamond. My wife pushed me away from my morning coffee, and newspaper and insisted I reply to your post.

  You are in a tough situation, and a too common one. I read your post from last year to get a bit of history on your background. It's Sunday, are you going today?

  I did the slow fade in 86, 2 years after my marriage in 84. I had only been baptized for a over a year, even though I was raised a witness. I used the old "working late" excuse for quite a while [ even though it seemed to occur more often on Tuesday, and Thursdays ]. It was quite a tense situation, and almost led to our break up.

  When our 2nd daughter was born in 90, I starting having guilt feelings and made a half-heartened attempt to return, but my heart was never in it. However, I used that time, while I was still semi-active, to subtly, and slowly, draw my wife out. I avoided raising " the subject ' directly myself, but whenever the opportunity arose I would ask questions, and make suggestions, hoping she would draw the same conclusions I had arrived at.

  By 1994, 2 years after our son was born, we had issues with the dispensing of the blood card during the the Service Meeting [and later subsequent surgery for our son], my wife announced in tears, while driving home, " I am never going to set foot in that building again ".

  There were still a lot of "trials and tribulations" since that fateful evening, but the main thing was we were of like mind.

  My advice to you is, while a slow fade may be what you are leaning towards, I suggest you try the semi-witness mode, for a while. There seem to be a lot on this board who are doing the same thing for one reason or another. Hopefully this will give you time for your wife to come to the same conclusions you have. The way I looked at was, it was my own version of "theocratic warfare". In the mean time it will keep the pressure off, and allow your daughter to sleep better at night.

  It bothered me somewhat, to "play the role" , but I figured a lot of the MS's and Elders were doing the same, but for their own selfish reasons. And as for field service, I kept active, most of the time, mostly through family bible studies [ not always WT publications either ] and the odd Saturday morning in FS. If I did not agree with the title material of the Awake for that week I would offer the Watchtower, or some other publication, whether or not it was " the feature of the month" !

  My wife and I are hoping the best for you and your family. Please feel free to email me.

  Regards

  xjw_b12 & calamityjane
• 

  LyinEyes

  I take it that you and your wife are staying together , even thou she is staying a witness and you are just stopping meetings?

  My hub and I left at same time, but had some explaining to do the children, because we just stopped all of a sudden.

  The oldest son understood and was tickeled pink we were quiting, he saw the crap with JW before we did.

  The younger two were more delicate. They didnt care if we didnt go to meetings anymore , they hated them. But we just told them we still love Jehovah and Jesus, and that Jehovah and Jesus, love us as a family. My youngest son had alot of armeggedon nightmares and was worried that we didnt love Jehovah anymore. We told him we loved him very much and that he was doing nothing wrong, by not going to meetings. We told him Jesus would protect us if armeggedon came, he is a very loving person. Now alot of this we were not sure of ,,,,,,,, we didnt know what to believe ourselves. At the time I still pretty much believed in God. So I stilled used the name Jehovah for my son's benefit. I didnt tell him too much info,,,,,,, basically we kept it on the level that Jesus will take care of us, don't worry. It took a few months but he got over his fear and now is a happy little boy. He still prays , and says Jehovah most of the time. I don't stop him from praying or talking about Jehovah, I know in time he will come up with his own answers. I just try to tell him what I think will happen when we die, he is very concerned with this....... I tell him we will be together, in heaven or on earth , somewhere, I want to believe this, and he really needs to believe this right now, telling him any different would hurt him , and who am I to say, I honestly don't know what to believe. But I do tell him it could be this or that way, but we will just have to wait and see.

  I hope your wife will respect your wishes as to letting your daughter know how you feel , even if it is not JW teachings anymore. Tell your daughter you love Jehovah and Jesus and you just need some time to rest. Give her months to adjust to this and she will. As long as your wife and you dont play tug of war so to speak with your daughter........ I am sure you wont, you sound like a loving father,,,, she will see both sides and continue to love and respect you as her father. She will see that the love her father gives her is more important than being in a religion. Like I said before with kids this age , things change so fast and I for one was surprized at how deep my children thought things out. You can't hide true feelings from them if you are close ,they will sense it,,,,,,, but you can protect them by not telling too much too soon. When they are ready to know something , I am sure you know, they will darn sure ask, and ask, and ask.

  Good luck, and keep us posted on how this is going.
• 

  belbab

  Take her to the park

  Take her to the zoo

  Take her everywhere

  She'll love all the things you do

  Together.

  belbab
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  Francois

  I like the advice to do the slow fade, taking your daughter on the slow fade with you, instead of spilling all the beans all at once. You can never tell who'll join you on your slow fade.

  Remember, frequently this highest, most appropriate form of action is NO action at all. Let things work themselves out without our butting in.

  francois
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  Mum

  xjw's "semi-witness" idea is a good one. belbab offered some sound strategy, too. In your situation, I think I would reassure my child often that I love her no matter what. I would tell her that grown-ups have a lot of things to keep them busy -- earning a living, learning new skills to stay employed, helping elderly relatives, home and car maintenance, and, most importantly, caring for their children and immediate family, making it difficult to do everything asked of an average JW.

  It might be useful to say you feel too tired and overworked to do more than you do right now. Leave the door open. Tell her you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of her and meet your other responsibilities and commitments. She will remember what you do and the happiness or other emotion associated with it much more than what you say. If she feels acceptance and love and happy times with you, this will live on. A long philosophical explanation won't be needed.

  Thank you for putting your child's interests first.

  Best regards,

  SandraC
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  LovesDubs

  I say fight fire with fire. Shes nine she can read. Show her the part from the JW Public Relations web site that says they DONT KNOW who will die at armageddon and who will go to paradise! Anybody telling her YOU will die at armageddon will have to explain exactly how they KNOW that since the mighty tower itself says they DONT KNOW that only God knows...so you are in Gods hands, not the hands of the elders. I walked with my kids a lot, and spattered the conversation with Jehovahs name so that they would hear me say it unafraid, and how He made them so beautiful and how all people are made so beautifully...and that NO ONE on the planet is loved MORE or loved LESS in Gods eyes. Just like you wouldnt love one of your children more than another. Kids are smart. She will be watching you for the signs of MAD APOSTATE SYNDROME fed to her by the JWs. So be VERY nice and VERY loving. Even in the face of the JWs. She will see clearly by your example that God exists outside the Kingdoom Halls.