Be careful Mole. Just because you want to cling to something in your heart doesn't mean that's the right thing to do.
I'm sure many people in Waco felt the same way.
Pray for your witness friends. Pray for yourself. I will be praying for you, too.
I remember when I first found the inner strength to level with God. "The fact is, I don't know if you're there or not"
The Bible says that God is more loving than a loving parent and if you ask for something, He will not give you a stone.
He's standing WITH you. You need to accept the fact that He loves you, confusion and all.
Have courage and go forward. God is in many faiths all over the world. It may take you a long time to find people you 'connect with' spiritually.
But you can start with us.