My wife and I were talking about something the other day while we were driving and we were discussing some point about boards like this one. Boards that are populated by Ex-Jws. In the conversation we got to wondering some things, and wondered if others felt or wondered the same. If these comments seem insulting to board participants, advanced apologies.
When we first got away from the Witnesses, we had the hardest time making new friends. Mainly because we did not really know how to act around people that were not Witnesses. We had to come to grips with the fact that we had only known Witnesses as close friends for our whole life. It gave us something to talk about, something to do together and basically offered up several opportunities for people to meet. Once we were out though, that was not the case. Some people we met were so different from what we were used to, that we found ourselves writing off potential friends left and right. Then there was the issue of still seeing people the same way we did as Witnesses. Things like; people living together, political involvement, liberal views on sex, spiritism, and many others. These all made being friends with people difficult in the beginning. As we could take ourselves out of the religion, but it was hard to take the religion out of us.
In a short time, and with a focus to wanting to change, we did start to become less Witness-like. Each point kind of represented a challenge we discussed and dealt with and learned from. In time we found that as the years went by, you would be hard pressed as a outsider to guess that we ever had any contact with the Witnesses, for as many years as we did. Without a full list of details, I can simple say, "we turned our lives completely around." So why am I mentioning this?
Well after all these years I started coming across online message boards for other subjects, and wondered "I wonder if there are forum's like this for Ex-Jw's?" To be honest I wondered what a group of Ex-Jw's would act like and if they would mention common problems I had to overcome. To be honest, most of the comments I have read on these type of boards, sounds like a variation of something I saw or felt myself. Yet my wife and I also noticed another element. Basically, what we noticed is that many Ex-Jw's leave the religion physically and yet remain in the religion mentally. They might do this conscienceless with a hope of returning one day, or they do it unconscious, like we did, because they were in it for so many years. These are things we noticed on these message boards.
The term "Ex-Jw", "Former Jehovah's Witness" or any term we choose to call it.
These terms are something I only use on a board like this. Only about 10% of my real-life friends have any knowledge of my wife and I involvement in the religion. I do not see myself as a separate group anymore. I may have a Witness past, but I do not see myself as a Ex-Jw or anything else. I just don't title myself into a group anymore. I see that as still connecting with the religion and not seeing yourself as part of the rest of the world. Kind of a mental detachment from what our new life's reality gives us to face.
Spending time with people of the faith.
Now some might say that Ex-Jw's have no one faith, because they have moved on to what ever suits them. Yet hear we are in our own little online-congregation of the damned speaking in a common theme of our Witnesses past. Call it a support group, or what ever fits, but we have to come to some conclusion that we have some that feel more comfortable here then other places. It might be for reasons like; people understand them better, the people all understand the terms and language, or it feels familiar. In the end, I do wonder if this support group of discussion becomes almost like a emotional crutch in time. We lean on it, as a way of not having to face the obstacle of making friends with people who know nothing about Witnesses and building strength that is more personal to us.
We are protective of the faith.
Now again, calling it a faith is a loose term and only used because I can not think of anything else. In point though, I have seen online the same protection of the Ex-Jw cause as I saw in the congregation of the Pro-Jw cause. What do I mean? When people mention negative stories about JW's in the news, they express excitement. It sounds just like the words I heard in the congregation when Witnesses were mentioned in a positive light in the news. Different side of the coin, yet the same excitement for the message. When people take the lead to destroy or harm the Witnesses, other Ex-Jw's rally behind their cause. In doing so, they will sometimes have a very angry and low tolerance for those who express differing opinions.
Hoping for something that wont happen
I spent more years then I care to think about sometimes, hoping the end will come for this world. I do not plan on wasting more years hoping that the Jehovah's Witnesses will fall apart. Basically, I see it the same way for both. If it is going to happen, nothing I do is going to prevent it or stop it. So why not live my life the way I want and just forget about the issue and move on. When I see people making new efforts to take down the Watchtower, I think to myself, "I hope they do not waste to much time on an effort that has been tried so many times before, and failed." Not that I do not think their cause is valid, I just have a realistic attitude of knowing that the religion will not disappear in our life time. There will always be a core of die hard believers.
Now my question to all the board members is this. Do you ever see these same common thoughts in online communities like this? In doing so, how does it affect you? Basically it comes down to this.
"Why do you come to these board, how long to you plain to stay?" As I ask that to myself often, and I find that I stop by these boards rarely now, and for only 2 reasons.
1. To see if there is anything new in understanding that my JW relatives might try to use on my wife and I.
2. To see how many people post, and build mental strength in wondering "What are all the other Ex-Jw's doing, that did not require these boards, to stay out of the religion?"
Basically, beyond that, I hardly read anything else. I enjoy people, I like people, but I guess I have gone so far past the JW days that to much discussion on the issues seems like "two steps back" rather then "two steps forward." I am sorry if this sounds insulting, as it is not meant to. It is more my view. I used to read these boards a lot in the beginning, and now I never do. I just wondered why others do and if they ever felt the same as me. I guess I enjoy the challenge now of going to boards or places that have no Witness theme, and seeing if I can find a place to fit in. When I do. It is like a extra mental strength of saying, "you can live life without Witnesses. You can make friends that have no association to your past faith." It just feels good, and I thought others might enjoy these points my wife and I discussed.
Edited by - whyhideit on 27 January 2003 2:20:50