The other nite , I was sitting listening to old music , and decided while I was listening, to go thru a box of photos I had under the desk. THese pictures are from many years to current , just not put in albums yet.
I decided , since I was feeling a little upset about something dealing with my oldest son, to dig up his baby pictures and when he was a kid. As I was listening to the music and looking at these pics the flood gates of a mothers tears from her heart came pouring out, they hurt and they felt good at the same time. I realized how fortunate I am to be a mother, to mean so much to someone eles, and to watch that little boy grow into a man, and not need me as much. For the saddness I felt at losing my little man, I saw in the more current pictures, a happy, confident , great looking young man . The tears even turned to laughter at some of the pics of him, and the things he did, looking at those pictures took me right back to that place in time.
I treasure my pictures more than diamonds that is for sure,and to me it is a little hobby of taking pictures, even posing my kids , getting just the right background , etc. I have pics of our travels to the mountains, the kids playing , the kids growing.
So I decide to make each kid an album just for them, from birth to the age they are now, carefully choosing pictures that spoke a thousand words of their personalities.
Well, the hours passed and the music played on, I did an album of my daughter and then of my youngest son. Then I did one of me and then one of my hubby. It was fun yet sad looking at all those babies pics , the years that have gone by.
Funny thing I noticed, in most of the pics we are all smiling. It seems that when pictures are taken of someone they look into the lens and bare their soul of who they really are. I did my album last and I thought it might be hard to look at mine, being that my mother has passed and my dad is not in my life.
But it felt good to remember the good times, I am glad I have those pictures to remind me that my childhood wasnt total hell all the time. Again for a moment in time, I got to feel like I was back with my mom , laying on a blanket in the back yard, playing with the dog. That is how I want to remember her. I have an album started of her but stopped several years ago. I am going to get it back out and finish it, sad but her album will have an end before all others, but it will end in a tribute to her , more than the pain I felt when I started it.
Even looking at the pics of me and my dad, riding a motor cycle together, me on the back, and holding him so tightly, like he was my safety, made me smile. I have one of us on vacation in a pool having a floaty race and we are looking at each other with laughing out loud. These are moments I choose to treasure. I guess it made me realise that at one time I was precious to him.
I looked at the pictures of myself and saw a little girl who went thru alot but was so resiliant. Nothing was going to stop me from laughing, from living my life, from my quest to be happy despite the trouble in our house. I looked at these pictures and remember , even thou I am smiling , I remember the day,,,,like the one when my mom came home from one of her nervous breakdown episodes in the hospital,you know those spa like ones. I remember being so mad at her , but I needed her and I missed her. I tried to be so strong for my little sister, and to comfort her, I had to be strong or my dad would not have it. Now I look back on that picture and I can cry for the little girl who really needed a hug back then. I guess I can say , I went back to that time and told the truth to myself , that it was ok to feel sad and alone, and it was not the end of the world to be mad at your mom for leaving you .
I guess I understand now when my kids see me down, either sick or in pain where I can't do what I want to, always when they want it. I can see both sides now, as a child and as a mother.
This little hobby turned out to be so healing to me. It made me see the wonderful things in my life , that every life has beauty in it , even if things are not perfect.
I showed my oldest son , who is alot like me emotionally, the pictures and we both had tears in our eyes....... especailly the albums with the two younger children in them, He really got emotional looking at how time flys and later that night his sister walked in the room and he said,,,,,,"Kelly.. I love you"..... she came to me and said what is wrong with Jake, he just said he loved me....??LOL
I know why he said it, it is the same way I feel. Looking at our family, makes everything eles fall into second place.