Hard to let go of WTS & my dad

by cruzanheart 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  cruzanheart

  Okay, gang, therapy time. Big Tex took Monday night off to help me work through my latest wave of depression and yucky feelings, and kind of helped me look at things a different way. Your opinions too are welcome. My dad, as some of you have read in previous posts, did a complete turnaround when we put Mom in a nursing home. She was very controlling and when she went out of his life, it was like he snapped. He went from being an elder, anointed, rock, someone you could always talk to about anything, to a drunken, skirt-chasing sailor. He was in the Navy during WW2, by the way, so he had some experience in that area. He got himself disfellowshiped and then reinstated, but he's living a double life now, still drinking and sleeping around, tried to commit suicide, went on antidepressants and then off, takes Xanax god knows how many times a day, washed down with god knows how much wine. (Last Sunday he came over for Superbowl, had five glasses of wine and insisted on driving himself home instead of spending the night as he had originally planned. It was kind of alarming and we decided to ban all liquor when he comes over.)

  All of this happened as my reasons for leaving the organization rose to a crescendo, so I think the two events are entwined. I also think that my mom did a really good job of raising me to separate God from the organization, because I don't feel betrayed by him and pray probably more now than I ever did, and I feel like there's someone there listening to me. But I feel betrayed by both my father and the organization, and it's very unsettling to my inner kid to think that my entire life and upbringing was a lie. The father I thought I had didn't really exist, and the peace and spiritual security I thought I had didn't exist. Somewhere inside of me there's a little kid who feels abandoned and scared and embarassed for feeling loved when there was no love. Did he keep up a pretense for 53 years of marriage? Did he have some kind of breakdown or stroke? Is it the drugs he's taking? I don't know. I've asked his doctors and they say there's nothing wrong with him physically.

  I had dinner with some friends tonight who are still going to meetings but are also disillusioned, and I talked to them about how I was feeling. They tried halfheartedly to rationalize it, I think more to convince themselves than me. I left there feeling kind of flat emotionally, and kind of sad.

  Anybody else out there feel this way or work through it? I don't know if I'm expressing myself understandably, but I just needed to reach out tonight.

  Nina
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  Pistoff

  I am sorry you are in pain, cruzan; I don't know exactly what you are going through but I have in the last few years wondered too about the warm feelings I had about my past, and thinking they were a farce.

  I don't think they were, and I don't think your dad was fooling you all these years. I wonder if he too is not a little lost. I don't know too many witnesses that are not at least somewhat adrift these days, for good reason. He has to be feeling the pain of not being around your mom, too; he has a loss that he can't yet deal with.

  I have lately been able to separate my faith in God from the org, but it has taken a while and sometimes I slip back, feeling like I am a pariah on the family because I don't believe in the org any longer. It passes though, and the more I pray the better it gets.

  I think maybe your dad is late onset alcoholic/addict; maybe something to discuss if it does not improve. Talk to a CD counselor and figure out how to do it, it is worth it.

  Hang in there.
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  SixofNine

  I think God betrayed your father, and you're gonna be next if you don't take care of yourself. Choose sanity. Write me for details .

  ps. Tex, please don't get mad at me for winking at your wife.
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  LovesDubs

  Your dad is old school JW...and in those days you didnt tell anyone your doubts. You didnt cave...you didnt. He lived what he thought was the truth because I think like my parents, he stayed together for the sake of the kids long after he should have left. I wouldnt be so hard on him...he probably is now blaming himself for having dragged his family through a life with the Borg when they should have been free to live and worship as they pleased. I feel like your dad loves you...would do anything to have a chance to do it all over again differently. He probably is punishing himself enough for both of you. Please...dont follow him down this road. You have the whole rest of your life ahead of you...he doesnt have that option.
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  Big Tex

  ps. Tex, please don't get mad at me for winking at your wife.

  Hey Hey Hey Hey!
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  cruzanheart

  Thanks for your kind thoughts, all of you! It helped just to write it down. I think Dad is feeling lost without Mom - she was THE stabilizer in the family (i.e., she told him what to do and he did it), and I am certain he is addicted to drugs and alcohol, but he seems to like it that way. He gets very belligerant and lies to us when we confront him about any aspect of his drugs or drinking. We were hoping that his time at the psych ward would make him think about what he was doing, but all he did was tell the psychiatrist what he wanted to hear and checked himself out of the hospital. He was a good boy for two weeks and then started abusing substances again.

  Nina
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  jgnat

  Cruzanheart, I don't think there are any easy answers for this one. I know exactly what you are talking about with your child's heart. You must be very aware of your own feelings and motivations, a gift indeed. I started losing my mother to mental illness when I was twelve. It was not until I was in my thirties that I was mature enough and ready enough to work through my grief.

  I was very angry at my mom for a very long time for "abandoning" me. I worked it through by realizing my old mom died a long time ago. I grieved and let her go. This new woman is somebody completely new, and I had to learn how to relate to her.

  I also lean on my dad a lot more. He is becoming frail, which is very unsettling for me. He is supposed to be the healthy parent, you see, my rock.

  Maybe your dad is not mentally ill, but he sure sounds like a lost soul. No easy fix, I am afraid.
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  LyinEyes

  I am so sorry Nina that you are going thru so much. My mom was addicted to pain pills for years, as a JW. She was in and out of rehab, overdosed so much I lost count,,,,, even went to stay for long periods of time because of nervous breakdowns. I felt as a child ,,,,,,,,so damn mad at her, how could she be acting like the kid, I was the kid, how could she leave me to cook, clean, watch my baby sister, and comfort my sister as she cried for her mama? I didnt cry in front of anyone. I wanted to be so unlike my mother and tried to be the hard ass my dad was,,,,, did a pretty good job at it and I said many things to hurt my mother. I thought I hated her, I told her that after she finishd rehab one time and she took it well, and understood why I felt that way,,,,,,,, I was surprized she even noticed how neglectful she was emotionally to us for so long. But by this time it was too late to say our family,,,,,,,,, Daddy started an affair with a sister in our congregation who is only 8 yrs older than I. He divorced mama, and they all got d/f , mama got it for smoking before they did. She moved out and married a man she only knew from the rehab for a few weeks,,,,,,,,,, a few months later she committed suicide. Dad and I , never were the same after that, I wasnt his ally anymore, I started seeing how he used me to side with him over my mom all those years, and even made her turn agaisnt me for the way I acted to her. She saw me and dad as agaisnt her and I guess we were, we tried and tried to get her off drugs, I can't blame my dad for it all, but he was hard to live with, Elder and hypocrite all at the same time.

  I don't speak to my father anymore as of a year ago. No word at all. No letter, no email, no phone calls. He could be dead and I wouldnt know it. In a way he is dead to me, because he uses the JW to shun me,,,,,,,, he shunned me before , when I was an elders wife . For 18 yrs I tried to be the one to go and see him and his wife, and their child, my half sister,,,,,,,, I never felt welcome, I was the one who called, I tried for all those years, before I got sick of the distance he wanted between me, my kids and his new family. I realized I am better than that, I deserve all of his love as a daughter or I don't want a damn bit of showy love he gave when we saw each other at assemblies. He lives 45 miles from me. He doesnt know my kids at all,,,,,, he doesnt know me anymore.

  I have accepted this is the way it will be,,,,,, I don't want him in my life. He would have to admit alot and make some kind of amends to me,,,,,,,,,, there is alot more to this story but it is too much to even begin to tell. I think it is always a possiblity he might turn around one day,,,,,,, I have seen crazier things happen, but I am not wasting my life, my love or my time on him anymore. I charish the time we had when I was little and I feel like when my mom died , in away so did my dad.

  My mom didnt mean to hurt me by killing herself, I know that now. I have forgiven myself for treating her so badly,,,,,,, I was a kid who didnt understand chemical / drug dependenc or even depression, or emotional trauma,,,,,,,,,but boy,,,,,, do I now.

  Nina, I just wanted to tell you these things because,,,,,,,, maybe your dad is just hurting so bad he doesnt know his way up or down. I know ,,,,,,,,now , didnt know then, that my mom was lost when my dad left her. She had been with him since she was 14 yrs old. She lost her religion, her family,( I was getting married) and the only man she really loved, all in a few months. I wish so much someone would have given her the help she needed. She was so alone. I tried in the end to make amends to my mom and she did to me,,,,,,,, it was wonderful to be the daughter and her the mother for a change, and I loved the attention she gave me. I loved seeing the woman I saw glimpes of in my childhood , a bright, fun loving, very intelligent , gentle soul. I don't know what pushed her over the edge( literally) there was no note, no signs , nothing. She was just gone .

  I hope you can get help for your dad. If only I knew things like I do now, about suicide prevention, signs , maybe my mom would be here now. We can't always save someone who really wants to go,,,,,,, but I think if we open our hearts, not be so judgemental, be understanding, and just listen to them, call them , go see them,,,,,,maybe it can make a big difference.
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  xenawarrior

  ((((((((((((((((Nina)))))))))))))))

  I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this at one time !!!!

  I agree with Dede- it sounds like your Dad may be very out of sorts right now. Whenever I think of older folks, men especially, I have to think that they weren't taught to deal with emotions at all. And being in the JW faith only makes that much worse. I feel for them in many ways because we know that emotions don't just disappear because they aren't dealt with or the person feeling them wasn't taught that they were even okay, much less how to deal with them.

  It may be that your Dad stuffed all of those emotions over the years for many reasons, creating a pressure cooker that blew when things happened the way they did with his wife; your Mom. What you may be seeing is the "steam" from all of that and he's no more equipped to be able to deal with these emotions he is now feeling than he was at any other point in his life. But now he may be acting outward instead of inward. He may be terrified of all that he is feeling because he doesn't know what to do with it. Like touching a raw nerve inside him. And now, instead of stuffing it all, he may be trying to run and hide from it in a bottle of alcohol or pills. This may be the rebellion he didn't have earlier in life, now coupled with a great loss to him.

  This must all be very frightening for you to be witnessing and dealing with and that fear triggers all sorts of emotions in you as well.

  He may not be open to getting any help either and may eventually come around. That doesn't mean that while he's going through all of this that you need to be subjected to unacceptable behavior. You are doing well to set some boundaries for you and your family and what kind of behavior you are willing to accept and what you are not. I think it's a great idea to disallow him drinking in your home. If he wants to put himself in harm's way, at least you don't have to feel responsible for what happens to him when he leaves your home.

  Keep your chin up sweetie!!!!!!

  Hugs at ya !!!

  XW
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  pettygrudger

  Cruzan - I have a sister-in-law that went totally off the wall after she started on anti-depressents. They kept switching types, switching doses, etc. etc. - as so many of them did such awful things to her personality! She became someone awful... I also know that she was NOT supposed to drink excessive amounts of alchohol as this would really mess her up.

  I'm just wondering if the mixture of drugs & alcohol might not be a huge contributing factor towards his seeming unbalancedness - especially as this was not "typical" behaviour on his part. You mess with the seratonin levels in the brain - you can have a real mess on your hands. I would go with him to his next doctors appointment & discuss this situation with them, maybe they can help w/the mediation doses to help him find some stability, especially considering his age & life circumstances.

  (((Cruzan))) - sorry for all the pain you're experiencing right now.